Grieving loss of family unit 3 years on

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I’m at the 3 year anniversary of ExH abandoning me after 14 years together. Now divorced and co-parenting DD8 50/50. On the surface doing well with busy FT job, friends, birth family, hobbies, nice house, new partner, etc.

This time of year casts such a huge shadow and it often makes me relive the trauma. All the BS he threw at me. I’ve just bailed on a walk with good friends, as it was due to be 3 nuclear families + me, and I just couldn’t face it. Sometimes it’s unbearable to be around happy families, and I’m in the (unusual?) position of all of my friends still being married/ together with their kids’ fathers. They’re a great, supportive bunch, and I’m happy for them but it’s a stark reminder of what I’ve lost. I miss being a family so, so much.

I feel frustrated and stuck. Like I shouldn’t be feeling this raw 3 years down the line.

Can anyone relate to this? What helps the feelings of isolation/feeling like the odd one out? Maybe I need more single friends? I’m having monthly therapy which is a space for me to offload and to consider different approaches to these feelings. But today feels like such a backslide, and I’m feeling altogether hopeless about my chances of recovery.

I’m there with you op. Exh left four years ago after 25 years together and a 15 year marriage.
On the surface I’m doing great, amicable co-parenting on the whole, progressing in my career, dc so much happier and a lovely new dp.
I still miss being a wife and having a full time partner. I still cry even though I know I’m better off without a cheating narcissist as a dh but it’s hard.
Our life isn’t what we imagined and it still hurts (especially when I’m hormonal!). Take care op x

I'm in a different relationship breakdown - my parents have a toxic marriage which spills out onto other relationships and 5 years ago they walked out of my house after I tried to hold my ground with them. They live abroad near my only sibling so I've lost her too as she's their enabler. I find it difficult to be around extended happy families seeing grandparents and aunts together. I am lucky that my dh and ds are lovely but I feel cut adrift in the UK.

The only thing I can say to others is that you absolutely cannot remain in an abusive relationship. Moving away from that is absolutely a major win. OP if you are having therapy and are working through things it will take time so don't feel downhearted as it's part of the process.

By the way I read somewhere that a major emotional upset takes on average 5 years to work through. I am feeling much better five years on.

Its grief though isn't it - grieving for the life you planned, the man you thought you'd married... a big dollop of shock too.
Three years is nothing really. The big feels need to be felt & worked through & it sounds like you're doing a really fantastic job of that OP.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Nothing wrong with lying low if you're not up for a happy family walk.

Feeling your pain although in a different way. My husband died in July 2019 and I'm feeling so low. I have a 14 year old daughter and lots of friends but they're all couples. I just turned 50 and am so scared of the future. I have also just been dumped by a guy who I thought was kind and caring, we only saw each other for 6 weeks but it was a release I really needed. Now I feel old and terribly lonely. This is not where I thought I'd be.

the80srock

I am so sorry to read of your loss of your dh in 2019. You are still young at 50 (I am this age too) although you may not feel it. I am sorry that your recent relationship has ended but do not be disheartened by this for the long term. You are probably going through the menopause too which will also exacerbate feelings of lowness. Would you consider checking in with your doctor to see if there is an underlying physical/hormonal reason that is adding to your sadness? It is still possible for you to meet someone who is decent and caring. This is just a blip. Take care x

In exactly the same although it was me that left my husband due to abuse after 12 year marriage. I’ve now an amazing boyfriend we have been together 1.5years. It is not the same though, I also miss being a wife, having a family unit and a dog. Had to leave the dog behind. I by no means want to go back to that life, I have my own house and doing ok but I miss what I thought we were working towards with a partner. Turned out he was a narcissist bugger.

Two years separated here and I know exactly how you feel. I miss the security of being a wife and the family unit/routines. ExH has a new family now and is very happy whilst I still feel alone and lost. This is around the time of year we split too so I associate this with deep sadness and grief. I do wonder if I will ever feel light and happy again.

7 years here. There are occasions when I’m reminded about the passage of time-and some triggers too, like birthdays, Christmas, Facebook memories, and those times are difficult.

But I was 55 when my H left (usual story, affair at work, left for OW) and I worked hard at creating a different life. Initially I felt that the life I thought I would have had been taken away, given to someone else.

As has been said, it’s ok to grieve what you have lost, to think about what’s changed, to be sad, scared and doubtful. It’s also ok to have therapy to work out what you want, and how to achieve it. It gets easier with time I think to remember you too have a life and you can choose to love it, love it to the full, or regret what you can’t change. It’s your choice and of course it’s not an all or nothing thing. Today you couldn’t face the happy married crowd, but tomorrow you may feel differently, and that’s ok too. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks for empathetic replies, all. Sadness from being a wonky family clearly comes in many forms, and all involve a degree of grief. Your kind and straightforward words are a great reality check @GroggyLegs

This is not where we thought we’d be. Nothing’s quite the same as the future we’d sketched. What I’m hearing from you all (and from within) is acceptance and patience are key. Easier said than done.

I get that being able to forge a new life is empowering, in theory. In reality, it’s a slog. I’m killing it at work, being a good parent and partner, a decent mate, etc. Crafting a new life feels really hard though. The fact I’m supposed to sketch a vision alone. The fact that I never actually had a masterplan before – things just kind of came together in a way that worked. The fact that time is pretty tight with a busy job, a house to run, and a youngish kid. The fact I don’t have the cheerleader I used to have (dicksatchel that he turned out to be). The fact that I feel so bloody odd among most of the people I meet (and yep – I realise this is an illusion).

@Theoscargoesto, I’d love to hear more about how you created a different life. I’m only early 40s so lots of time and possibility. Just feeling low on creativity right now.

I really do feel for you. But then you list what you achieve on a daily basis and I think, wow, how do you fit that in, do all that and have time to eat and sleep? I guess that raised questions in my mind about what else you want, what does a new life look like? Therapy helped me to decide that, and also I think I can hear that at the. Moment you lack a cheerleader, someone that has your back. I understand that feeling very very well. For me the answer was to try (ongoing work, for sure) to take responsibility for myself. It turns out I’d long sought approval elsewhere rather than being sure of what I wanted. It helps I think to learn to accommodate what has happened and whilst I regret it did, this is my life now. I try not to fight against that.

To start with, I just said yes more. After all, a crap evening out at least meant I looked forward to getting home!! But I was different to you as were my circumstances (for example the children had left home).

Anyway sorry this has turned into an essay….if I can help please message again. You’re in a tough place but things will change, you will change. It does get easier.