Would you cut off your mum

prickferrari · 14/11/2021 20:45

Would you continue a friendship that hurt this much? We should hold our family relationships to higher standards, not lower. You deserve better. Have a Google of self parenting and inner child work. Do what you need to to make sure she can't hurt you.

Aussiebean · 14/11/2021 21:09

While you are working out your feelings about non contact, have a go at grey rock. You can google it.

You gave her a lot of information about this man. Any other mother would have been excited for you. But as she is not, give her as little information about your life as possible.

That way, she has less information to twist and turn and beat you with.

That might give you some breathing space while you work on the rest.

My background is that I haven’t spoken to my mother in 6 years. It’s lovely. I understand that this is not easy so take your time to work out exactly what you are able to put up with and protect yourself in the meantime.

Maybeonedaysoon · 14/11/2021 21:42

Yours sounds similar in some ways to my mother.
I think having my own children was big eye opener for me, I couldn’t imagine treating them the same way and ultimately it was too painful for me to continue contact, it dwindled over a number of years but it was still a very difficult decision.

Agree with PP, give her the minimum of information until you decide a way forward. Do you have siblings?

Anordinarymum · 14/11/2021 21:56

@Sprinkle444

My mums 68. She's hard work. She did what most mums do. Fed us and clothed us. Kept us warm and in a clean home. But she has been absolutely useless with emotional support and when I became a mum myself 6 years ago I remember resenting her alot. Her opinions. Her lack of help. Taking the pee out of me and judging me. But really I just realised She's not motherly and she never even flicked the kettle on after I had My babies and asked me how I was. Other people's mums seem to be so supportive.

Anyway I feel so so uncomfortable with myself. Introducing her to boyfriends has been cringe. Always thinking of the reasons they wouldn't be good enough. To shy. To boring. To fat. She loves to point out my flaws too. My friends notice how she is with me on Facebook etc too.

Anyway to cut a long story short I'm starting a newish relationship as I've separated from my children's dad. I have just mentioned him this week because there's a chance they might see me with him in the streets. So I've made it clear to her it's early days and only mentioning it for that reason. She asked questions. He's from near London and his life has been very different to mine. He has a couple of links to footballers and stuff although he doesn't claim to buddy's with them. Just has spent time with them In the past. My mums just made a comment that he has alot of claims and questioned If he does drugs etc.

It has been hard for me to open up to family about my life lately and the breakdown with my children's dad. I've finally got some happiness and she's making me feel so embarrassed and awkward. How could I take him round to meet her when she's already behaving like he's not to be trusted.

Anyway what point do you decide your life is better without her. That would mean my kids loosing their grandparents. I also love my dad but I feel I can't ever do what I want and I'm so sick of feeling trapped and unable to be comfortable. The thought of introducing them is just horrible and I don't want to do it. I feel like can I have this relationship and keep him away from my family?

Ask yourself what good things your mum brings into your life. If the answer is nothing then you will know you need to do something to make it all stop. Think about how she speaks to you and how she affects you and then either do the 'grey rock' thing they talk about on here, or stop having anything to do with her.

If you introduce your boyfriend to her you know it won't go well so why even bother?

It doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement if you go NC, but it does sound like you need a break from her

LionelMessy · 14/11/2021 23:26

I disagree with others, and think you may regret if you cut your mum out your life entirely.
By all means hold back info and keep your distance a little, but one day she may be in poor health and you may regret taking any harsh decision.

supremelybaffled · 14/11/2021 23:34

Perhaps you could rather severly cut down on the level of detail in the information you share with your mum. The less she knows, the less she can say.

Develop the art of the non-committal comment, and probably some 'grey rock' too, as another pp suggests.

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 15/11/2021 06:40

Thank you I will look into some of the suggestions. It just feels such a horrible situation because of my kids and my dad. But I don't feel myself around her. I feel useless and silly and nieve. She makes me feel shit and unconfident. Even though I know she has no confidence herself and she does nothing without my dad. As kids she stayed home and cleaned and tidied and read books. She never mixed unless rarely a school mum invited her for a coffee. It's like she's lived her whole life believing home making is the only thing that should come first.
She has harsh opinions. She does odd things like putz kisses to my male cousin who she thinks is lovely but won't ever put kisses on messages to us. She said it's sickly. .

I am only guessing but I think she hates to see her daughters as attractive confident women. She wants to beat us back down. Yet she gets frustrated if we don't perform. Because of how she is and the way she's picked on my looks over the years I've often refused to go to family stuff with her. She gets annoyed then because my cousins are all dressed up and I'm at home. But she has convinced me I don't look nice with her words over the years so I don't want to be on a position feeling that way.

She's just a nightmare and I don't feel myself around her and the thought of being me infront of my boyfriend and her is horrible. But it makes me worry about when we progress further. As we are taking it slow but the end goal is to eventually move in together.

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PermanentTemporary · 15/11/2021 06:47

Do you have to introduce him to her? Why?

I'd drastically reduce her involvement in your life before I actually cut contact, and I'd consider some therapy. You sound as if you feel really under attack from her - that's horrible. In the end, if you have to cut contact to be ok, do that but I think there may be another path first?

MotherHen0 · 15/11/2021 06:54

I think your I'm a pattern of explains to your mum.

I wouldn't of told her or anyone about your new partner if they saw you in the street... it could be a friend! I would of waited if that happened and just said it was a friend.

You can distance yourself OP just step right back. Just txt on Birthday and Christmas.

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 15/11/2021 07:00

Thank you. I do feel attacked and like I'm still under her authority. It's so stupid. I just can't imagine that If I choose to move in with him eventually and they haven't met him how that would affect the family as a whole. I guess I'll be isolating myself away from my dad aswel.

I guess I need to just focus on myself. It was the thought of them walking round the corner and the look on their faces if I was holding hands with him. I am so fed up feeling like this.

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CovidCorvid · 15/11/2021 07:11

Only you can make the decision about whether her behaviour is enough to mean you need to cut her out your life.

I cut my mum out of my life for 7 years up to her death and I never regretted it, I wish I’d done it sooner.

Have you ever told her how you feel?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 07:15

You mention your dad.

How often do you see him on his own?

How often does he message/phone privately? (not drop dad jokes in a WhatsApp group)

Has he ever acknowledged your mums abuse?

Crumblinginside · 15/11/2021 07:18

I'm not in contact with mine at the moment. She stormed out in a temper here a few weeks ago. Haven't heard from her since.

She's very nasty (has severe depression but mocks and makes up stories about everyone)
She's put me down all my life. Told me I'm boring. Rolls her eyes when I talk. Every occasion in my life she made it about her (needing a&e at my hen, had to be taken out for my graduation)

I would go grey rock be honest and low contact.

Juniper68 · 15/11/2021 07:23

I was just going to ask the same EvenMoreFuriousVexation

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/11/2021 07:25

I feel you op, my Mum was very much like yours growing up. She did everything for us as kids, gave up work and her life revolved around us. Sounds like the perfect mother yes? Nope, she was emotionally unavailable, it was a job to her and as soon as we left home that was it. Not a finger lifted from there on in. No phone calls to see how we were. When I left, her parting sentence was 'don't be thinking you can come back if it doesn't work' and when I told her I was pregnant, no congratulations, only 'don't be thinking I'll be babysitting for you'

Anyway, now I've got that off my chest, I continued a relationship, but it was on my terms, I didn't see her that much, I kept in contact primarily for my Dad, luckily they moved 6 hrs away so I only saw them once a year. I didn't share much about my life, I think once you stop relying on her for emotional support and realise that this is her it'll start to be easier to process. My mum would also make cutting comments like yours, she seemed to think that because she was older than me she had the right to be rude. I'd either just ignore her or laugh and tell her to stop being so judgemental

harridan50 · 15/11/2021 07:26

I stopped being subjected to the toxic and damaging woman that was my mother
it is hard but felt like a cloud had lifted you are strong and your own person take your time and do what is best for you

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 15/11/2021 07:26

I don't see him one on one unless he rarely gives me a lift or something. He calls occasionally if he hasn't heard. He only ever occasionally will say its because she cares.

It's like we have to just accept it. She's turned on my sisters at various points and judged them for making changing in their lives. She calls it acting false. She's just a nightmare.

I think we

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MultiStorey · 15/11/2021 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyButteredBread · 15/11/2021 07:30

Yes, I've cut contact with my mother. Very similar story, really. I was belittled by her, for most of my life. She's probably a narcissist. I couldn't manage low contact, she would get really angry when I kept information away from her, or if she wasn't the first to know. She was very good at manipulating and wheedling information out-of me and I couldn't protect myself from it, so I cut her off.

She stalks me now, unfortunately. I'll get some sort of contact or message every few months. She can't let it go, and blames me for everything that went on between us, despite some really serious, negative shit she pulled- tried to get me fired, lied about me to a social worker, etc.

She claims to not understand why I won't speak to her, but if she doesn't get it by now, after all she's done, nothing I could say would make a difference. So I don't.

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 07:32

She sounds awful and very similar to my mother. I wouldn't tell her anything if I were you. Not unless the new partner is permanent, and even then tell her the bare minimum. Close down facebook and keep your private life private.

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 15/11/2021 15:43

I certainly put her in her place more than I used to..but I don't like being that way and feel like coming across like a stroppy biter. But I did tell her yesterday he had a different lifestyle and lived in a different area so his life is different. Told her it's possible for people to just be nice aswel.
I will definitely keep contact to a minimum and try ignore her yesterday. Had a suggestion today that i tell someone when I'm staying at his so people know where I am. Whatever next! I said to her my children's dad always know where I am and that I have a phone if I have any emergencies. So she's still suspicious that I'm at risk. Pointed out I've been staying over at his since August and never needed anyone to know.

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