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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he triangulation?

17 replies

PieTastic · 14/11/2021 09:45

I've been with my partner 18 months, we both have kids so taking it slowly. At the moment we're at the stage of very gradually meeting kids - just an afternoon a month or so. We've both said we hope to live together sometime next year, all being well.

He's been divorced 5 years. His ex wife used to phone him a lot (help/advice/kids) but it's reduced since he told her about having a girlfriend. I've felt he's triangulated in the past, using her 'neediness' to make me jealous (I ignored).

Yesterday he told me a longish story about how he'd helped his exwife with some work issues recently (legal related) and she'd been so grateful that she surprised him by having a big box of chocolate waiting for him when he collected the kids. I felt the whole story was a bit unnecessary (my exh has helped me at times, I haven't mentioned to my partner as not relevant). Its not the first time though that my partner has said similar things which I feel can only be intended to make me jealous/compete.

Previously he's mentioned things like 'she asked if I'd like to get back together with her'. I dont think he wants to be with his ex wife, otherwise why divorce...plus both of them have had relationships since. In general he's very kind, loving, I'm happy with him. Just not sure why the need to triangulate us?

OP posts:
PinkSkirt · 14/11/2021 09:47

Sorry, I need to ask what triangulation is? I thu

PinkSkirt · 14/11/2021 09:47

…..I thought the body of the thread would explain the title but I’m still clueless sorry.

Yummypumpkin · 14/11/2021 09:47

It would sound fairly classic triangulation.

But also..it could just be he doesn't want to hide anything from you.

If he's just reporting facts and not praising her or reporting nasty things she has said about you id be more inclined to go with the latter.

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 14/11/2021 09:48

I don’t think helping or telling you about helping is the issue at all. I’d rather hear about it so I know he’s being transparent

The issue is ‘she’s asked if I wanted to get back together’
So lines are being crossed, is he shutting it down? Is he being clear with her that he’s not interested? Doesn’t sound like it.
So is he interested? Or is he leading on a woman who he’s supposed to care for and respect and who he’s known a long time? - if he can do that to her, know that he can do it to you too.

Branleuse · 14/11/2021 09:49

Id definitely be feeling like he was trying to make me jealous. Well done for not rising to it

Pumpkinsonparade · 14/11/2021 09:53

I would be concerned he enjoys the ego boost tbh..

Cocovivid · 14/11/2021 09:56

Sounds like he is just trying to be honest.

What if a few months down the line you found out from her or the kids that she bought him chocolates or asked to get back together?

Wouldn't you be here posting about him keeping things from you regarding his ex?

Suprima · 14/11/2021 10:03

Definitely triangulation

PieTastic · 14/11/2021 10:09

When I've mentioned in the past about being concerned about his discussions of his ex wife he has been adamant he doesnt want to get back together. I agree he may just be being honest.

There does seem to be an ego boost/triangulation element though. It's not usually just a 'quick comment' about him helping her with something, which I have no issue with. I feel like he's trying to make me jealous.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 10:13

I think it's more that he's trying to prove how much of a nice guy he is for helping someone out

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 10:13

Which, as you know, genuine nice guys don't need to do!

justgettingonwith · 14/11/2021 12:03

Could be just trying to keep you in the loop, which would include telling you things his ex has done/said which could have the potential to concern you if he hadn't told you but you later found out?

PieTastic · 14/11/2021 12:24

True, he could be keeping me in the loop. Although mentioning her buying him 'thank you' gifts seems like trying to make me compete in some way.

Not sure there's much I can do but ignore?

OP posts:
Lifewith · 14/11/2021 12:54

Depends how he's saying it? You will know OP how it's coming across

altmember · 14/11/2021 15:26

What if you found out (from the kids, you finding them etc) that his ex had bought him chocolates? Without the context it might look suss, so he was probably just trying to preempt that by being open with you.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:05

Not sure there's much I can do but ignore?

Or talk to him and tell him how you feel?

justgettingonwith · 14/11/2021 16:49

@altmember

What if you found out (from the kids, you finding them etc) that his ex had bought him chocolates? Without the context it might look suss, so he was probably just trying to preempt that by being open with you.
This sounds likely to me.
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