Extreme guilt and remorse

[Beckandcall85]

I sold my flat so me and partner could place together but I now feel extreme guilt because he wasn’t ready and his mental health was in a bad way - I think partly because I was putting so much pressure on us getting a place together - more commitment etc...he lived in the flat too. And I sold it despite knowing he was suffering. I pushed it went ahead and neither of us was ready coz when it came to moving we realised our plans were total crap - couldn’t agree on whether to rent while we look for new place to buy. It’s an absolute fucking mess. Now I’m homeless, we’ve broken up. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. There were problems in the relationship and I was v frustrated with the relationship not moving along and I thought I didn’t like the flat coz only one bed without garden. I got caught up in dreaming of the perfect home. I totally fucked it. His mental health has been v bad - mine is appalling. Can’t sleep absolutely. I’m everywhere partly staying at my mums. I’m 39 by the way so should know much, much better. I was so one track minded. I miss the flat. I miss him. I feel completely bereft.

It’s like I created this crisis because I was feeling so stuck and life going nowhere. But the flat wasn’t the problem!! It was me. It was us.

So he lived in the flat with you, it was sold before plans on where to move to were made? Was he paying towards the rent and bills etc in the flat? Seems he had no issue living with you, but didn't want to take equal responsibility and pay equally to a joint place?

He was paying a small amount towards bills because he was paying a mortgage on a flat he was doing up in totally different city from where we lived and worked. It took ages to get done and wasn’t ready for rent by the time we’d finish the sale. So that meant he couldn’t pay rent for another interim place. And that’s when I started to freak out. I just had no control over the situation. It all happened far too quickly.

This is what happens when you get so frustrated and you end up taking extreme measures and completely forcing the issue with someone who was always a bit reluctant. This is what happens when resentment builds and you decide to take matters in your own hands. When you desperately want more from the relationship - to the extent of pissing your own security to the wind. When you pile on the pressure - absolute madness!!

It’s just really made me question my own judgement, the lack of appreciation of I’m having my own assets and protecting them - and always wanting more, better etc...falling into lockdown dream of outdoor space etc...what a lesson. Stop fixating on getting the ‘perfect’ imaginary place and appreciate what you have!!!

Wee-elll, there's appreciating what you have, and there's getting stuck in a rut. Yes you've lost your property but presumably you've had the money for it? Are you in a position now to look for somewhere new, or do you need to look to renting for a bit? Where is all your stuff - are you paying storage?

It honestly sounds like the relationship needed to end, and I think he was taking advantage of you by the sounds of things. Women are not rehab centres for broken men!

I was in this "kinda homeless" situation this summer while between tenancies. It made me feel very untethered and unsettled. Be kind to yourself - you made your decisions for what you thought were the right reasons. Concentrate on getting somewhere to live, even if it's a shitty rental for 6 months it will give you somewhere to sleep and relax and store your stuff. You can do this 💐

Thank you so much. That’s so kind of you!

Sounds like you're taking on vast amounts of blame that isn't helping you at all.

You did the best you could at the time. No need to think any more about that part of it.

It went tits up. Sometimes things do. In everyone's life. Be kind to yourself. If there are lessons to learn, make a gentle mental note to try a different way in future. Then let go of the guilt and anguish. Put it down, walk away from it. You don't need it.

So, as the person now free of guilt and regret, where now? It's a new day, a fresh start. You deserve good things, we all do.

Honestly OP be kind to yourself, it doesn't sound like you've done anything outrageous or wrong. I'm sure you'll find somewhere you like when the time is right.

You’re being very hard on yourself. You have maybe pushed something too hard but you can come back from this and try and focus on the positives. You wanted outdoor space so maybe it was the correct decision but not the right man? Take some time to look after yourself and remember you haven’t killed anyone xx

Thank you. The only probably is my mental health has taken a nose dive and the thought of looking for somewhere to rent then buy - the choices is just so overwhelming. I’m jittery, can’t sleep, can’t stop ruminating and kicking myself. Moan, moan, moan....I know I’m in much better position then others but this has brought my confidence tumbling down. I’m also having suicidal thoughts. Which is not good.

(The only problem) I meant to write...

Suicidal thoughts are a thing and don't necessarily lead to suicide. Speak to your doctor - help is available.

Sending hugs . Sounds like maybe your partner was passive and you were the one to take responsibility and drive things forward .There is nothing wrong in wanting a larger space and a garden !

You sound very insightful and thoughtful ,give yourself a break .Go and see GP ,lack of sleep can be dreadful.

Where are you living at the moment?

@AlbertBridge I’m partly WFH at my mum’s and then when I need to be in London, I’ve rented a room. Its pretty awful. Not doing my self esteem or mental health much good.

@peridito Thank you. That’s so kind of you

I didn't fully understand your complicated situation and sequence of events but the way you write about things sounds like you're panicking and your thinking is somewhat clouded still. I'd focus on your mental health, calming down, getting to a place of peace where you can think clearly. Counselling can help if you can get access to it. Worrying quite so much about what's already in the past isn't very helpful but you're probably in shock so better times will come, in time. It sounds more like bad, complicated circumstances than your fault, to me. Best wishes, you can get through it xxx

Thank you @aLittleLfe. Basically I sold my flat too quickly. Partner and I didn’t have a proper plan because I was forcing the situation and he wasn’t really engaged. I bottled it because there wasn’t a plan plus I bottled it because of the relationship. He has a drinking problem. Something which runs in my family. I decided not to stay in his flat in Glasgow which would have never worked because I partly work in London. He didn’t want to do interim renting. And he was going away for 6 weeks. And I ran back to mummy. Who also has a drinking problem. Talk about messed up ey? I used to have my shit together - was very cautious, organised, dare I say anal and it has all imploded from my stupid mistake of signing the bit of paper which sold my flat. I got caught up in the momentum. Didn’t stop to think. Thought it was brave and the start of something new. How bloody stupid!!

But you'll be in a great position to buy ,no chain etc .You'll be an attractive to people selling as you won't be in a chain .

It's what savvy buyers do if they can manage it .

Thank you. I think what I'm realising is that I should have rented out my flat and we rented together - that's what everyone said, but I didn't listen coz I was after the 'dream'.

Get yourself together now and go househunting! You weren't keen on the other flat because it only had one bed and no garden, so surely the thing to do is go out and find something better?

Thank you. I think with the partner - I messed it up. The thing is if I now know what I know about codependency from Al-anon etc...I could have been much more patient and then have the ability to reach a compromise with the renting etc....by selling I was putting him on the spot - really asking him to commit but it just put way too much pressure on him and led to more drinking. Now he’s gone T-total but maybe he would have never done when still in the relationship. I think relationships for people who have addictions are just too difficult - they need you but they also push you away and for the other person it’s usually someone who loves to be needed because they are insecure but then the rejection is just too much (and by rejection I mean the other person escaping into drink). I am the child of an alcoholic so it’s all very familiar to me which is probably why I was attracted to him.

If I had the patience of an angel and incredible wisdom and lots of time and fewer of my needs - we might have got there in terms of moving to the next stage - but I’m human as well and damaged as well.

I think I was in fight or flight mode to a certain extent. Maybe I wasn’t keen on renting coz I thought it might be more of the same with the drinking and the old patterns...selling is a bit like saying fuck to it all - we either build the dream together or I’m fucking off by myself. Very extreme.