Helping a friend after her husband walked out

[Tattybogle3]

Okay looking for advice so I can help a friend.

After 17 years of marriage, my friends husband announced that he wanted out of the marriage as they had little in common anymore, that he had found someone else and was leaving with immediate effect.

Friend say things hadn't been great for a while, but they were talking about how to make it good again, then the bombshell.

He leaves a shocked wife and two shocked teenage children.

So trying my best to help and support her through this trauma, the emotional side is bad enough for her then there is this;

So, he's gone but has told friend that she and the children can stay in the house, that he has no plan to sell the property YET and will continue to pay the bills until the youngest child is 18, just over a years time.

Friend tells me that the house, the cars, all the savings, bills, etc etc are in his name only, that there are no wills, no joint bank account, the car insurance policy in his name with her as a named driver, there is now no paperwork in the house, no bank statements, no house or mortgage details, no car documents, no house insurance documents, no savings books, nothing ! She now says that she has not dealt or had anything to do with the finances since they married.

This was a complete and utter shock to me as I thought friend was much more savvy than that. Prior to her marriage she was financially independent and had owned her own properties and rented these out, so I thought she was on the ball financially and legally.

She acknowledges that all of the above should have been red flags to her, that she tried to talk to him about this numerous times, but this was the way he wanted it !

Friend asked if I knew a good solicitor as she wanted to start divorce proceedings, I forwarded details of someone I have used before.
It seems to have taken weeks for friend to get around to getting legal advice, today she tells me the solicitor told her to do nothing regarding divorce proceedings, getting a legal separation or even getting what her husband promised- to continue to pay the mortgage and bills - put on a legal basis.
Friend says solicitor says to do nothing for now ? !

I'm amazed that any solicitor would advise doing nothing in this situation, but maybe I'm wrong ?

So, I have my own thoughts as to what might be happening here, but would welcome your thoughts on the facts I have outlined and how you would help or advise a friend in this situation.

Thanks.

If he has taken her property and put it and everything in his name, it sounds like coercive control, which is now a crime.

Has she told the solicitor this?
She needs to hire a forensic accountant.
It will be expensive but well worth it.

Undoubtedly he has planned this.

The solicitor needs to be a good one.
Are you sure the one she has seen is?

Where is the proof of the property she used to own?

Has he cleared the house of all her paperwork?

She sounds spectacularly naive.
She had better cop herself on quickly and get with the program or she will be rightly shafted.

Hopefully others will have some useful information.

Is it possible her husband knows this solicitor?

Phone another solicitor.

Do you think she is being threatened by him to not seek legal advice?

Get in touch with Women's Aid, explain exactly what has been written here, it does sound strange.

He sounds dangerous.

Doesn't matter who's name the assets are in, they're all jointly owned as a married couple. No harm in speaking to another solicitor.

Yep, different solicitor ASAP. He'll (and she) will have to fill in a Form E for the divorce that has all the financial info on it and it takes a while to do. Does she work? If kids are off to uni I'd suggest she agrees to sale of house, split proceeds 50/50 and get something a bit smaller that she can afford alone. Most importantly, she does not listen to or follow info given by him about what she's entitled to.

Thanks for the responses.
It seems my thoughts are not so different from yours.
I was thinking this sounds like coercive control too and that his leaving has been planned for some time.
He hasn't taken control of any of her personal money or funds from property that she previously owned. He has chosen not to include / share assets, documents, etc, etc with her since they were married and has now removed every bit of financial documentation from the house.
The solicitor is sound, no problem there and I am aware that any solicitor presented with these facts would immediately have alarm bells ringing and want to put something binding in place re continued bill paying and want all the financial details too, I just don't think she has actually spoken to the solicitor but made this up. But why ?
Yes, if you are married all assets (unless legally ringfenced) are considered joint .

So what to say to her ?
I have already asked if she feels threatened in any way, she says no.
I have suggested a solicitor, to start the legal process, to get financial disclosure, to get the verbal agreement re bill paying made legally binding and she claims the solicitor said do nothing for now !
So,
Is it coercive control that is continuing even though he has left and they now (she says) have no contact beyond child visiting arrangements ?
Is she ridiculously naive?

Is she hoping he will come back and that is why she doesn't want to start the legal process ?
I desperately want to help her but don't want to overstep and wade in.

OP,

You can only help someone who wishes to be helped.

Be careful here.

You think she may be telling you that she has spoken to a solicitor when she hasn't?

Could she be lying to you?

Are you over involved here?

Are you the person who listens and takes on all this worry for her?

Be careful.

You cannot fix this or her.

Give her advice and recommendations, but it really is up to her what she decides to do.

billy1966
In answer to your comments
Yes, yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes, yes !
It's just worrying when you find out that someone you have known for years has been living in a way so out of character, all sorts of alarm bells ringing but you are right, you can only help someone who wants to be helped. I won't jeopardise our friendship by overstepping, just offer advice when asked and hope she is able to see the wood for the trees herself.

You sound like a good and caring friend. Just be there - he will have to declare stuff and if they are married she will get her share

Your poor friend. She will be all over the place atm with the shock. I feel for her.

Re the solicitor, mine did a similar thing after I wanted to start divorce proceedings. He left, out of the blue, I found out 2 weeks later about his affair and went to see the solicitor. She advised me to do nothing for six months and see how I felt then. She said she’d seen so many people who filed for divorce in similar circumstances and six months later had worked things out.

I instructed her to go ahead with divorce proceedings and eight months later it was finalised. Best thing I did but I was vulnerable emotionally and I can see why she suggested waiting. Oh and he did try to come back. No thanks!

It seems odd that she knows so little. Was the house bought in joint names and is she named on the mortgage? She can check the title (whether she is a named owner) by getting a copy of the Land Registry entry for £3. This is a public document that anyone could request.

A solicitor telling her to do nothing about divorce proceedings is odd but again the solicitor may have said do you WANT a divorce or are you hoping for a chance that things might work out. If your friend is still shellshocked and adjusting she may not be sure a divorce is what she wants. If her husband hasn't started proceedings she may be hoping he will have second thoughts. I don't know what's going on in your friend's head though!

Alternatively the solicitor may have thought that H paying all the bills for a year is quite a good position for your friend and that if she antagonises him with a divorce before he is ready he might pull the plug financially before SHE is ready (and leave the solicitor open to allegations of poor advice). So it's certainly not beyond belief that the solicitor has said "do nothing yet".

The LR entry will also state of there is a mortgage (referred to as a Charge) and the name of the lender. If your friend believes she is a party to the mortgage she can contact the lender and ask for copies of the last mortgage statement and terms of mortgage.

If she is NOT on the Land Registry title she could lodge a restriction (as she has legal rights as a spouse) which would prevent the husband disposing of the property without her agreement. That could be seen as quite a hostile move however and might rock the boat in terms that the H might reconsider his agreement to pay the mortgage and build for a further year.

Any assets in his sole name she can't easily find out about at this stage. When a divorce is in progress he will have to disclose all this at the relevant stage. Your friend should note down everything she has a clue about (how long he's been working and fund which employers will give a clue about pension contributions etc).

Has the car been left for her use? She can check if it's insured via askMID.
MIB will be able to provide further details about the insurance if she is still a named driver. www.mib.org.uk/managing-insurance-data/requesting-your-data

She really ought to check this even if she's burying her head about everything else.

It sounds like she is currently digging her head in the sand pretending this isn't really happening, which is why the solicitor has told her to do nothing. She hasn't actually spoken to a solicitor.

I don't know if you can really do anything about it if she won't accept what has happened. Have you asked her what she would like you to do for her here and now? What does she say?

Great advice and insight, thank you.
Sonjadog and waitiekatie, I think you are right, friend has not really accepted the reality of the situation, she clearly needs time to come to terms with him having gone in order to take the next steps. Perhaps she has spoken to the solicitor and they have recognised this ? Perhaps she didn't feel ready herself and just said she had seen solicitor ?
As for all the rest : fruend clearly needs to take some immediate actions to try and protect herself financially, but I imagine again friend probably needs time to work through the hows and whys of finding herself in this bizarre financial muddle.
The rest of us can probably see all of this for what it is, but it is going to take friend time and pain to see this whole thing clearly.