Life without a partner has become completely meaningless

[ButtonsShoes]

I’m just so sad.

I don’t know what I’m expecting by posting on here.

I’m late 30s and have had some good and bad relationships. My latest one ended this summer. I was devastated but also strangely numb to it. I’d thought he was the right one and so when it ended i felt more hopeless than anything else, as well as heartbroken.

I can’t stand my life and I know it’s for me to change it I don’t like it. I take anti depressants since summer after this all happened. Ive not heard from my ex since and probably a part of me was hoping he’d come back. I’m not sure.

But I just hate where I am in life. My career was good but I’m not performing like I used to. I’m on decent money and so part of me thinks I will give up now, I don’t care about getting higher up in the company.

I’ve got great friends but I am desperately alone. Im the only single one now. I don’t get invited to the couples evenings and it’s awkward when I go to weddings (there’s been two the last month). I know being single doesn’t matter. I know it’s not a bad thing and lots of good is in being single but I think for me it’s more about the idea that I have nothing left to give to a life alone. I’ve travelled, I know what it’s like to have money to splurge on yourself, I have had a good career, I’ve lived that free and single thing.

I don’t want a family alone. For me it’s as much about a partner though I would love a family.

The only thing that mildly sparks my interest is moving to a new home and starting afresh with a new location or even new driveway and road. A bit of a project to do up. As soon as I think of that though I just panic and think I don’t want to move somewhere random alone

Everyday I wake up and it’s a struggle. I don’t even think I’m depressed - I have counselling and take anti depressants. I don’t always feel depressed but I do always feel left out and alone.

Not sure what I’m asking, I just want to chat to people who might feel the same I think.

I've certainly had times when I've felt like this, though I have to say sometimes in a relationship.

It sounds as if you are not really over your most recent relationship at all, that it meant a great deal to you. I think that's very normal. It took me a good 18 months to begin to feel ready to look at another relationship after one ended in my 30s. I felt as if I'd invested everything in it and had lost the lot. I had six months on antidepressants.

For me, a change of job and a change of place to live made a big difference. And I met dh after 2 years on my own.

I would just check in with your GP in case they want to tinker with your medication. But if going somewhere else is something that sparks interest and even hope, follow that thought.

@PermanentTemporary thanks. Can I ask, how did you feel in those two years? Did you start dating?

Strangely I feel over him but not over the failure of the relationship if that makes sense. I am so sad I am alone and when people say get a hobby or you need to be happy with yourself first, I despair as I’ve been very happy and I’ve filled my life with hobbies, it doesn’t magic a happy relationship.

I don’t even have the strength to date anymore. I feel like it’s all over and I’m far too old to start again and have loads of emotional relationship baggage now.

I had a fling with an ex boyfriend within 6 months - 2 one night stands, really. That was awful. But I dated at the very end of the two years. I had one date which was deeply unsuccessful and then about two months later, one group event where I met dp. By our second date we knew it had legs.

To me you still sound depressed. I needed to lick my wounds almost literally for quite a long time.

Honestly if I was in your position I'd keep looking for someone. Perhaps give yourself a time period in which to grieve a bit...then get back out there. I know sooooo many women who were in exactly the same situation...late thirties, single, really wanted to settle down... feeling low about it and they went on to meet someone. You're situation isn't at all unusual... especially in the career driven, middle class London bubble. Chin up

You won’t feel better overnight. There is no magic fix. Break ups are shit. If it didn’t hurt you wouldn’t be normal. It took me about a year to feel ok again after my fiancé left me for someone else. Each day gets easier but you have to sort of accept it and be kind to yourself as you’re going through it.

Ps as another poster said it’s not time to be thinking of a new relationship yet, work through the feelings. Be kind to yourself and forget about it for a little bit. You’re kind of torturing yourself over this.

Giving you a virtual hug.

I despair as I’ve been very happy and I’ve filled my life with hobbies, it doesn’t magic a happy relationship

Sometimes people say those things flippantly or insensitively. There is a strange assumption that unless you are content being single, there must be something wrong with you. This is unrealistic at best and dismissive and ignorant at worst. It is perfectly natural for human beings to want to pair up and to want to have an intimate relationship one can only really have with a romantic partner.

Others might say it because they simply don't know how to help you so they think that by encouraging you to find hobbies, they're helping.

I'm not sure if there is anything that can replace the type of emotional fulfilment that a partner brings.

However, I'm going to risk stating the obvious by saying that your need to have a romantic partner should go beyond not wanting to feel left out or going to events by yourself. Some men just want 'A Wife', so I'm just checking out your motivations to make sure you don't end up with 'A Husband' (someone who fills the role of a partner but who doesn't fulfil you). I mean, fair enough if that's what people want and if it's a mutual agreement, but otherwise it's to be avoided. Maybe in your case your need for a partner does go beyond that, but I found it interesting that of all the things you could have mentioned, you chose to mention going to weddings alone, starting a family, being alone generally and not being satisfied with your life....but no mention of intimacy, affection or shared experiences and sharing your life with another personality.

If you feel left out, I would first try to address that somewhat by seeing if there are social groups for single women out there, or simply join any group where you are likely to encounter women of the same age.

@Comedycook

Honestly if I was in your position I'd keep looking for someone. Perhaps give yourself a time period in which to grieve a bit...then get back out there. I know sooooo many women who were in exactly the same situation...late thirties, single, really wanted to settle down... feeling low about it and they went on to meet someone. You're situation isn't at all unusual... especially in the career driven, middle class London bubble. Chin up

@Comedycook I’m in the north so not London. It feels pointless dating and I worry that I now have huge emotional baggage I didn’t have before.

Most people over 30 will have some emotional baggage.

@evabream

You won’t feel better overnight. There is no magic fix. Break ups are shit. If it didn’t hurt you wouldn’t be normal. It took me about a year to feel ok again after my fiancé left me for someone else. Each day gets easier but you have to sort of accept it and be kind to yourself as you’re going through it.

@evabream so sorry that happened to you. I just feel so sad that it’s over. I thought we were so in love and he’d say all the time how wonderful it was that we met. I honestly felt like this light had come into my life and felt so lucky. The fact that it’s over has made me lose all faith in everything. I wanted to spend my life with him and even though I’ve somehow carried on and it’s not affected me like other breakups, I think that’s because I was just so shocked he could leave me after all the things he said and all the things we shared..it almost felt like I’d been played the whole time it was so unbelievable to me. I don’t think I will ever open my heart again.

I would look to adopting a child.

This was always my back up plan

I am adopted myself and can say with certainty that love is not biological it's nurture.

Fill your life with a person who will love you regardless. That is a child not a partner. If you have love to give them give it.

I felt like you and there’s no getting around it, it’s so horrible.

I thought everything he said just have been a lie and it all felt so hopeless. In the end I just had to treat it as a chapter. People change their minds, people meet other people, it’s a bitter pill to swallow but people are unpredictable. All I can control is myself and my life.
I see it as I had a good time with him, okay it ended shut but it was a nice enough chapter. He’s with someone much better suited now. It’s not easy to get to this mindset though but I’m glad I did. After 2 years I met someone much better suited and I was very low, and never thought I would. I wasn’t too fussed either way as I had trodden a hard road to feel content alone, not always happy ( I feel chasing happiness is the road to misery anyway) I know this man might change his mind or get ill and it will be heartbrea king of course but I know I will be okay this time in time.

I know you’re trying to soothe on here, it won’t be instant but you will feel better again promise.

Apologies for the flipping formatting and typos, I’m bed with virus.

I think you are right. I think you are still grieving for the relationship. I also think that counselling and antidepressants are helpful but they’re not magic bullets and overcoming depression is something that needs to be worked at as part of a whole lifestyle. The end of your relationship is still pretty recent so give yourself some real time to heal. I like your idea of buying a house that needs a bit of work - can you do that locally? I think that’s potentially something that could catch your interest.

I think people are way too flippant about how tough it is to be a single woman in your late thirties. It's really, really tough because you DO get excluded from 'couples' things and parent bonding activities. It's a horrible age socially that's just that bit too old to be doing things like going out drinking regularly and too young to be doing coffee mornings and things for older people, so what do you do? I have a few friends in this situation.

I think the whole 'make yourself happy and find hobbies' thing is glib. As you said, you've got hobbies, you've travelled, you've got a good job and life. There's nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner. I don't think it's pointless dating, and everyone has emotional baggage. Not having kids is a big point in your favour - lots of men would prefer to avoid step parenting, and you have no worries about what to do with the kids while going on dates. If I were you, I'd date with an open mind because I think you have a good chance of finding someone. Thirties is not old, it's just harder when the majority of people are already settled. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

@ButtonsShoes I completely sympathise, I’m v recently out of a relationship where I thought he was the one. Just figured out he was a narcissist and that hurts. It’s really sad and makes you question the whole thing.
I’m like you, good job, enough money, hobbies..it doesn’t take away the fact I just want to share it with someone. Hugs