Tell me about your first relationship after an abusive one?

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

A little back story: I was with my ex for 8 years, very controlling and abusive. Used to fly off the handle very easily, everything was my fault, regularly had me against walls by my neck and shoving me around. It ended when he finally left me for the woman he “told me not to worry about” for 2 years beforehand.

I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years now with a wonderful man who is the polar opposite of him. Caring, considerate, we’ve never so much as raised voices at each other. But despite this I still carry a lot of trauma with me; I constantly try and read his moods, or fix them if he seems a little down (he is on ADs). I also get incredibly anxious about him going on night outs without me; he’s on a work night out this weekend and I’ve felt upset about it all week. I have absolutely no reason not to trust him, but it was classic ex behaviour to regularly go out without me, pick a huge fight before he left so he could excuse staying out all night whilst I was unable to sleep and dealing with DD alone the next day. I haven’t voiced any concerns because I don’t want to upset him or ruin his night for him. I’ve been to the GP for counselling but never heard anything back and pretty much got shooed out of the office with an anxiety medication prescription that didn’t help in the slightest.

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship how do you let it not affect your new one?

Can you get in touch with your local women's DV charity? I approached mine after leaving an abusive relationship and they referred me for counselling with their bank of volunteer counsellors (qualified, DV aware, etc). They also have an open door policy, it doesn't matter when I need help, could be 20 years from now, they will accept my self referral again.

I would say, though, that you seem very self aware, and that's great. You can heal from this, you've got a lot going for you. You probably just need support from someone who can guide you through it.

@MyButteredBread

Can you get in touch with your local women's DV charity? I approached mine after leaving an abusive relationship and they referred me for counselling with their bank of volunteer counsellors (qualified, DV aware, etc). They also have an open door policy, it doesn't matter when I need help, could be 20 years from now, they will accept my self referral again.

I would say, though, that you seem very self aware, and that's great. You can heal from this, you've got a lot going for you. You probably just need support from someone who can guide you through it.

I haven’t, I wasn’t aware that was a service they offered. I’ll look into that, thank you x

Good luck.

I'm so sorry your GP wasn't more helpful. It sounds like CBT might really help you as you're very self aware and just need some techniques to manage day to day. In most NHS areas you can self refer for online CBT. You could also try this book Managing Anxiety With CBT for Dummies - please don't be put off by the dummies name, it's their brand name they are not patronising at all!

Speaking from my own experience, I left a 9 month abusive relationship where I was regularly raped, shoved around and verbally abused. I spent a year single just having occasional ONS. I then got with a guy who in retrospect was low grade abusive - selfish as fuck, lazy as fuck, sexually coercive. But because he wasn't pinning me down I told myself he was a good guy. He was not!

Long term it sounds like you need to talk this out, honour and acknowledge your pain and fear in order to put it behind you. That will need hard work in therapy. Is that affordable? This is an investment in your future self. Look for someone experienced in DA and PTSD.

You deserve to be happy OP

I met my husband not long after an abusive relationship ended. I was suspicious of him, made him show me his divorce papers because I didn't believe he was divorced (despite me having met his kids and stayed over in his house). I walked on eggshells and flinched away from him if I said something that would have led to a beating from my ex. He was really confused by my behaviour. Eventually I told him about my ex and he understood, was very patient with me while I was a nightmare, continually testing him and expecting him to be abusive. He wasn't, and he wasn't scared off either. I am ashamed of the time I wasted being awful to him, he deserved so much more from me. But he was amazingly kind to me.

I started a new relationship with a nice guy I met through friends about a year after leaving my abusive ex. Unfortunately, I was quite cold and detached, and withdrew emotionally when it became evident that he'd fallen in love with me...a real shame as he was lovely. I just wasn't ready for a new relationship at that time, whough I really wanted one. I ended things as I felt pressured when he wanted me to commit to booking a holiday 2 months away (I know...I was in a bad way!). After that I had a few fairly casual relationships (monogamous and saw them regularly, but no talk about the future) and got together with DH after 4 years of living alone.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'm so sorry your GP wasn't more helpful. It sounds like CBT might really help you as you're very self aware and just need some techniques to manage day to day. In most NHS areas you can self refer for online CBT. You could also try this book Managing Anxiety With CBT for Dummies - please don't be put off by the dummies name, it's their brand name they are not patronising at all!

Speaking from my own experience, I left a 9 month abusive relationship where I was regularly raped, shoved around and verbally abused. I spent a year single just having occasional ONS. I then got with a guy who in retrospect was low grade abusive - selfish as fuck, lazy as fuck, sexually coercive. But because he wasn't pinning me down I told myself he was a good guy. He was not!

Long term it sounds like you need to talk this out, honour and acknowledge your pain and fear in order to put it behind you. That will need hard work in therapy. Is that affordable? This is an investment in your future self. Look for someone experienced in DA and PTSD.

You deserve to be happy OP

Thank you so much. I wish I could go private with therapy, I have “daddy issues” from being abandoned as a child too but it’s just not possible for me financially. I’ve applied for self referral with two local services though, so thank you x

Just wanted to thank everyone again for their advice, I’ve managed to get booked in for some counselling sessions with Fort Alice which should hopefully be helpful :)