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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't cope with DMs mental health and anger

13 replies

Crumblinginside · 13/11/2021 13:03

Sad

My mother is a loud and dominating women. She's very critical and rude. She has lots of friends (but really bitches about them behind their back)

My father backs her up on everything even when she fell out with my father's favourite brother.

All my life she has told me 'such and such thinks your boring'. When I applied to m&s for a Saturday job she said they take on disabled workers. Unkind comment from either perspective

She's very racist and my sil is black. The last time she visited it got too much. Went too far. I busied myself and she left on a temper. The sad thing is my brother doesn't know why.

The criticising and anger never stops. She hasnt worked in 20 years. She's a size 26 to 28 yet shouts at me if I put a few pounds on. Or my hair is too dark. If I get dc new clothes they are too small 😒
My dc are too bright and will get bullied (just because I went part time to get more time with them and its worked)

No one in my family jas contacted me in nearly a month

I don't know how to move on.

Do I try and forgive her ?
My father hardly speaks to me now and we used to be close. She's the centre of attention. I am quiet compared to her. But tougher inside.

OP posts:
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 13/11/2021 13:06

The way your mother treats your DC would be the line in the sand for me. My DC would come 1, 2, 3 for me.

Crumblinginside · 13/11/2021 13:06

I try and be a good person. No one would believe what she is like behind closed doors.

One of my brothers said a year ago I'm selfish and only care about myself. I think they've told everyone that I am a bad person (but in more colourful language)
My dh doesn't like them but he thinks I should make contact (he rings his mother everyday and visits very regularly) it's so upsetting.

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Crumblinginside · 13/11/2021 13:07

missmarples my dc adore her they are very young. She is nice as pie to them.

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Crumblinginside · 13/11/2021 13:09

I think she liked it when I was single. She could really put me down then. Now I have a career dc beautiful home and lovely dh.

She spoilt my hen and hardly talked to me around the wedding.

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EnigmaCat · 13/11/2021 22:05

She sounds insecure with low self esteem and abusive, you don't have to be her emotional punchbag.
Just because your dh has regular contact with his mother doesn't mean you have to, he might not understand how it affects you.
Even IF they have said bad things about you to others, would reasonable people believe them anyway?

seriouslystressedoutmama · 13/11/2021 22:07

If she doesn't make you feel loved and worthwhile what's the point?

category12 · 13/11/2021 22:22

She's toxic as all hell. Try the "Stately Homes" thread for ongoing support.

And no contact or low contact are probably your best ways forward. She won't change and while she may not treat your dc badly yet, she may well turn on them as they grow older or use them against you.

"Forgiving her" is pointless - she's not sorry, she probably doesn't even think her behaviour was wrong, so she'll just carry on. You've a duty to yourself and your own family unit to protect your mental health and wellbeing. She's a threat to that.

Crumblinginside · 14/11/2021 09:10

Thanks so much

Its so hard but so sad no one has made contact with me either. Obviously they all think the worst of me. But I have a lot of peace (I do wake in the middle of the night at times stressing) but day to day I don't miss the constant dirty looks demands and criticism

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 14/11/2021 10:48

So you have lovely DH, kids, career.

Just focus on those things for now and start to build up a couple of friends independent of your family.

Only speak to your mum about visiting with DC. Only be around family with DC present so they have to behave.

Any calls/conversations that veer into criticism just shut them down. "Sorry gotta dash one of the kids is calling."

Basically distance yourself.
Develop a thick skin.
Expect the criticism.
Have ready made comebacks. "Well it would be boring if we were all the same" etc

Crumblinginside · 14/11/2021 12:52

Thanks frozen. I do try and be vague and don't engage when she rants about everyone she hates.

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category12 · 14/11/2021 14:15

No-one's reached out because the family dynamic is such that your mum dominates.

I honestly question what good a racist toxic grandma can bring to your children's lives - the harm she does to your mental wellbeing and happiness affects them, and once they're old enough, she'll do her best to drag them into the dynamic.

Take a look here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/11/2021 14:18

Ohhh I had one of those. The best way to deal with this is keep on smiling serenely, don't rise to the bait and carry on doing what you're doing. It's very hard to accept, but you are not the problem!

Crumblinginside · 16/11/2021 17:51

The isolation from my whole family is quietly eating away at me. But I feel stronger too as I am not engaging with the toxic atmosphere. Thanks to all of you for listening. Flowers

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