I don’t know what to do..

[LucyLovesCheese]

Long marriage, posted before not changed my username.
Long story short I’ve been unhappy for years, low level emotional abuse (I’ve come to realise this recently) we have teen aged children.
I have finally told my H I want to separate, which he has agreed to.
The problem is this was months ago we agreed to tell the kids when we have a plan. I’ve realised the process of separating is going to take a long time.
We have nothing concrete to tell the children.
My question is should we tell the children even though we are going to be stuck together for a while (at least I have an excuse not to sleep in the same room) or wait it out until we have something solid in place.
We are ok but it’s a bit awkward and it seems like he still is expecting me to continue as normal- giving lifts and sorting things out.
If anyone can help with coping mechanisms also I’d be grateful.
Thank you for reading.

Yes you tell them.

What actual concrete actions have been taken to separate? This all sounds very half-hearted and like he has no intention of genuinely separating.

What have you done to make your own plan? Instructed a solicitor? Filed for divorce? Anything?

I think you need to weigh it up and think about what you want to achieve by telling them.

My view is why upset or unsettle them when nothing has changed. I would wait until you start setting things in motion.

However, if there's an unpleasant unhealthy atmosphere that's a completely different kettle of fish and I would tell them.

So far I’ve set up my own bank account (everything previously was joint) looked into the how I will financially manage and requested and been granted more work hours. I haven’t instructed a solicitor as I was prioritising saving some money so he can rent somewhere else and money is tight.
The house we live in is council so I am going to do what I can to stay as lifetime tenancy.
Very recently he has opened a new account and gone on housing register.
I don’t really know what to do. I was thinking of separating money completely but then it falls to him to save and I’m not sure how motivated he is or continue to jointly pay for things then set up a standing order into his account to save deposit. It’s hard really.

Good question notmoresugar what would I achieve? Well selfishly I find it hard to cope with essentially lying to them especially round Christmas, pretending to be happy when I’m not, it’s awkward and they are not young so I’m sure they have picked up on something on the flip side as you said if nothing is going to change why say.

All your assets are joint as married, so any savings are classed as joint regardless of who does the saving. Who earns more, him or you? It makes no sense to put more of your wages into savings than he is doing, in effect you'd be paying for him to move out when you have your children's costs to consider. You could take the hit and save his deposit up (which he should add at least half to), but then he still needs enough income to cover rent. A single man on a housing list, who is not currently homeless, I would think would take years, if ever, to get a council place, could he go private rented, even if he has to share with others?

Your children are not stupid, and neither are they totally 'unaware' of the current weirdness and general atmosphere.

Treat them with honesty and tell them what has been agreed and what your future plans are, because they need to be able to come to terms with the separation too.

Agree with your H that neither of you will speak badly about the other and that you will be respectful about each other so that your DC can see how 'adults' can behave sensibly when separating.

I think also, until you instruct a solicitor, you are being half-hearted about it. You can divorce but still live together, if you mean it, get the ball rolling.

I earn less then he does, I know I’m going to be basically paying for him to leave but as you said the housing register will take forever. I’ve suggested a shared house which has been shut down. Private renting is the other option but needs deposit, first months etc but he could afford it after that- he is not a high earner though.
I have been keeping my overtime in my account but am questioning if it’s worth doing as you say all savings etc are joint …

Do you think it’s better to instruct a solicitor rather then save for the deposit ? Sorry I’m not quite sure what to do for the best I’ve been with my H since my late teens so struggling with this.

Tell them. It makes it real then. While you're drifting on as normal your H might not see it as definite as if no one knows and nothing changes it may never happen. Its also better for them to think they were told early rather than find out preparing were happening behind their backs as it were. Could cause trust/security issues in future.

I felt bad opening my own account and I don’t even know why- I need to be strong but have a plan what’s the best to do as when I talk to my H he makes me seem so unreasonable. If I’m completely sure what’s the best route I won’t waiver.

I’ve had to be a bit sketchy with the details as he has hacked my account before.
It seems most seem to think tell the kids I’m just scared of how they will take it.

Unless your partner has a vulnerability such as a disability, he won't be considered for housing at all. You need to understand this as a solid fact and not waste your time waiting for him to be rehoused because you will be together for ever otherwise. He needs to accept that he will be privately renting just like many people who separate.

I know you are right Whatabambam going to have to focus on saving up for him to move out- it will just take time.
Has anyone got any ideas how to cope in the meantime? I feel suffocated.

I’m living with my husband pending separation. To be honest we’re doing the usual things with the kids for now, but I’ve started to separate our finances, we don’t sleep in the same room and don’t spent time together without the kids eg sitting in the evening. He’s made a commitment to move out by the end of the month and I’ll help him with his deposit, because I really just want him to go.

It’s hard, but can be managed in the short term. In saying that I’d be expecting your husband to be making concrete plans to go - I basically told mine if he didn’t go, I would and would take the kids with me.

I’m afraid this isn’t going to be short term that’s what’s hard psychologically I could threaten to move out but he would know I won’t want to as we have a council house. I know I sound like I’m making excuses, every time I bring moving up he tells me it isn’t that easy etc and what can I do? I can’t force him to leave. If I tell the kids I can probably be harsher as in separated in the same house.
We moved hundreds of miles from my family as he wanted to so I can’t go there.

Don't tell your dcs until he is actually on the point of moving out. Once they know, it will be a dreadful situation to put them in, especially if you see it as an opportunity to be 'harsher'. They're not breaking up with their dad. You'd be putting them in an impossible position and they might end up siding with their dad instead of you.

If your kids are older then I would tell them because they will be noticing changes.
It took 3 years for me to get rid of my abusive ex from deciding I’d had enough.
First thing I did was separate the finances.
Like your H it was low level emotional / psychological abuse and manipulation/ gaslighting etc.
If it’s going to be a lengthy process for you, your children will be wondering what’s happening.
If you agree to separate officially, your money saved after the separation is yours. Anything before separation is joint. Unless I misunderstood.
I’m in Scotland. England is probably different.

See a lawyer

Thank you for your comments. Thymeout harsher was probably poor wording what I mean is sleeping separate, not giving lifts and washing clothes- basically being more separate in the same house. I do want things to be amicable but I do need to move things forward as he won’t.

When I was in a similar position, 3 dc, 10-15, we didn't have a spare room but I started sleeping on the sofa. Said I had a bad back. Easier because he worked long and irregular hours, so there wasn't much 'family time' anyway.
Took 3 months. Didn't cook or do his washing. Dcs didn't notice. Behaved 'normally' at family events.
But he had a girlfriend, with dp, and so, eventually, he had somewhere to go when they moved into a flat together.
Good luck!