My DD and my dad, advice please!

[Confused2]

Regular posted changed name for privacy.

Quick background. My dad was a complete bastard to me/my mum during my childhood. Abusive alcoholic, my mum finally left him when I was 12 and I pretty much lost touch and its only been in the past few years since I married that I have made any effort to see him.

He is sober now, and is desperate to see my young DD he saw her once after she was born, but that was very tense and I did not let him hold her. My mum says she thinks I should try to rebuild a relationship with him, but I am unsure. Part of me wants to heal that rift, but the other part does not want him having anything to do with my daughter or me. I know my mum is still attatched to him, which is one of the reasons she stayed with him for so long...

The other issue is my DH's father has had alcohol problems in the past, and we do let him see her all the time. So I feel like a hypocrit not letting my dad see her.

I am sorry this is so depressing, just wondered what people thought. Thanks.

speaking from a child POV who doesnt have a good relation ship with her grandparents, i do feel its importnant for children to kow their grandparents. Is it possible that you could drop your child off at a different relatives place who you both trust, and let your dad see her there? would your mums place be a good one? i'm assuming your mum is on good terms with you and our family.

the reason i dont have a good relationship with my grandpanrets is that they couldnt be bothered. dd1 sees her great grandad who lvies about 200 miles away mroe than her great grandparents who live in the same town.

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It is completely out of the question that my dad would see her without me or DH there, we do not allow DH's dad to see DD unless we are there too. I know what the right thing to do it and I feel awful that I am bringing my own issues to my DD but at the same time he has made my life and my mother's life very hard so why does he evern deserve to see my DD. Oh thats awful isn't it

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I have a different pov on this. I think the relationship any grandparent has with their grandchild is dependent on the relationship they have with that child's parent, their own child. I just don't think you can separate the two really. If I had an awful relationship with anyone I wouldn't expect them to have a great relationship with my children - it's just not going to happen.

I have to say though, if he is sober then maybe you should give him a chance. Is he going to AA? If so, he should at some point get to the step which is about making reparation and maybe then he'll want to talk to you about what happened and try to make amends. You obviously still feel angry and that's understandable but why don't you give it a try and see how it goes? Seeing him doesn't mean you forgive him or that it's all all right. Have you tried talking to someone from Al Anon? That might help. Good luck.

It is bound to be painful and bring back memories, for you to see your dad with your DD. But is there also the potential for it to bring a sense of your dad's worth? There must be love there, for him to be so keen to see her. That might be painful in itself, but perhaps it could be a good thing for you to see?

Can I ask a question, confused2?

Are you concerned about allowing your dd to see your father because you feel it might be bad for her, or simply because you haven't yet been able to forgive him for what he did to you and your mum. Maybe you can't resist this opportunity to punish him? (and I don't blame you).

Very sorry for you, but I do feel it might be worth giving it a go... it must be painful, but if you look ahead say 5 or 10 years, will you be happy that you at least tried?

Lots of love,