Throw this one back?

[BentleyStairs]

We’ve been official since May. Some things that have happened have made me feel a bit…unsure. Is it me? Am I reading into things?

Last weekend we agreed to meet between 4-5. I arrived at 4.25, traffic was quieter than usual (takes me around an hour). When I got there he was surprised and said he was still working. I said oh we said between 4-5. He just said yes technically that was true and it didn’t matter. He said he was finishing some work so I offered to wait in the kitchen and he got me a drink and then disappeared for 45 mins. He was apologetic but I felt uncomfortable.

He’s often telling me about his potential job moves (typically he’s in contract work but well paid). These potential moves are around 3/4 hours away. He never factors us into this even to the extent of asking how we’d work as a couple if that happened. I’m not at all saying he shouldn’t consider any job anywhere after only a few months in with someone…but to not even acknowledge me or us in it makes me feel uncomfortable.

He’s told me he loves me. However, I’ve since said it back and he’s never once said it again. I actually asked him about this and he said that he’s not used to hearing that, that’s all it is and that he doesn’t feel that it’s necessary to say it often. That would be fair enough if he didn’t also say in conversation on a regular basis that it’s so important that people hear they are loved

Some days I will hear nothing from him. I know many people are ok with this but personally I find it strange so many months in to suddenly not be in contact with even a one sentence message.

I actually raised all this with him recently and he said he loves me and sees a future. I asked about how he saw the next steps of a relationship and he said moving in. I said great, id want to consider that sometime next year with him…to which he said he’d rather wait 2 years before doing that. We are late 30s, he’s 40 in December. We are settled and solvent.

Would you throw this one back?

Sorry that should say official since March not may!!

Does either of you have kids? That's a huge consideration if so.

@ScaredOfDinosaurs no

Do you want children OP?

Actions speak louder than words. He's not really that into you.

Only you know if you want to continue with this relationship long term. Maybe review it again in say 6 months and if you are still unsettled or doubtful then reconsider your options.

Honestly your expectations would do my head in a bit.

His work overran and you were there earlier than he expected. I can't begin to count the number of times this happened to me when I was first dating DP. I was a freelancer, it was impossible to guarantee that work would fit into a set time, sometimes time got away from me, shit happens. Like your boyfriend I just had to apologise and finish off the work (while DP rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable). It wasn't a big deal.

If he's a contract worker of course he's always thinking about the next job. I don't know what industry he's in but in some fields you can't just limit yourself to your home town. And after only a few months there's no reason he should be doing that on account of a new relationship anyway.

As a zillion threads on here have shown, not everyone is comfortable with constantly saying "I love you" or daily messaging. Different love languages and communication styles. Does he show you he loves you in other ways? Personally I agree with him that it's not necessary to say it on a regular basis - DP and I don't really say those words to each other but we're not in any doubt that we feel them.

I couldn't be doing with daily messaging, too much.

I don’t think any of these things are particularly that bad, you might just be incompatible.

However, if you’re unhappy then you don’t need justification from us to leave. Clearly you’re not comfortable with the relationship.

I agree with @gannett above BUT, if the way he needs to deal with the relationship doesn’t work for you, there’s no need to put up with it, the sooner our the better as this is unlikely to change.

I think he also sounds quite cold and distant for what you expect so you may be not a good match. I hate saying I love you all the time but do other things to make my partner feel loved, if he thought this was not enough, it would be entirely reasonable for him to leave, your needs are as important as his, but you need to put yourself first.

@gannett

Honestly your expectations would do my head in a bit.

His work overran and you were there earlier than he expected. I can't begin to count the number of times this happened to me when I was first dating DP. I was a freelancer, it was impossible to guarantee that work would fit into a set time, sometimes time got away from me, shit happens. Like your boyfriend I just had to apologise and finish off the work (while DP rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable). It wasn't a big deal.

If he's a contract worker of course he's always thinking about the next job. I don't know what industry he's in but in some fields you can't just limit yourself to your home town. And after only a few months there's no reason he should be doing that on account of a new relationship anyway.

As a zillion threads on here have shown, not everyone is comfortable with constantly saying "I love you" or daily messaging. Different love languages and communication styles. Does he show you he loves you in other ways? Personally I agree with him that it's not necessary to say it on a regular basis - DP and I don't really say those words to each other but we're not in any doubt that we feel them.

I couldn't be doing with daily messaging, too much.

@gannett yeah I’m understanding with work - I work very long hours so I do get it. It was more the reception about me being early that was uncomfortable.

Similarly, I don’t expect him not to consider a job because of us, I said that in my OP. It’s more than there’s no mention of us in it at all, as if we are not part of a future.

Messaging yep - people are different I agree. I do think it strange to be in an allegedly committed relationship and not be in contact once a day though, however brief.

I think you probably should throw this one back. It's clear he doesn't feel as strongly about moving in and settling down, so if that is important to you, you are not on the same page. It may well not be personal, he doesn't come across as someone who particularly sees a relationship with anyone as high importance, more an add-on to his current life. Given that he's nearly 40, I'd guess he's just not the settling down kind.
If you don't want DC yourself, you have time to weigh it up, but otherwise move on asap as you could waste a lot of time on him.
Sporadic communication just shows he compartmentalizes, and finds it easy to block thoughts of you - which would annoy a lot of people, he's used to putting himself first and frequently does so.

It was more the reception about me being early that was uncomfortable.

It sounds more awkward than intentionally unfriendly? I know when I'm in the middle of work and DP talks to me I can sometimes come across as a bit frosty - it's not intentional, it's just that my headspace is somewhere completely different.

Could his talk of potential jobs be putting out feelers to see what you think about it? He may be essentially telling you what his lifestyle is (maybe what it has to be) - going where the work is. So maybe he's seeing whether you'd be comfortable with either moving, or with an element of long-distance.

You're obviously completely entitled not to be comfortable with that (and also to need a particular level of communication). But I don't see these as red flags so much as things that you can bring up in conversation. There may be compromises on both sides, there may not be, you won't know until you talk it through.