Is there a specific name for this?

[RoseMartha]

Or is it just generally abusive?

There seems to be a pattern of behaviour when my abusive exh calls me to speak about the kids.

I text or email him things anything kids related re school and health, contact times and days and anything else I think is important. If essential I will call him.

He will usually call me after I have text him, we speak about the kids. Then he turns the conversation to be about him and how hard done by he is and he thinks I dont consider his feelings relating to the health and school issues for the kids and various things he thinks I am doing wrong and how he feels I am not communicating with him properly and he thinks I need to grow up and not text or email as that is childish and not a suitable form of communication. Apparently his friends agree with him.

Every single time! I am fed up with it now.

Sometimes when he gets very irate I will end the call and later get texted more names and told he is recording it all and it will not look good for me as he thinks I am digging myself into a hole.

Then the whole thing plays on my mind for days.

Back away. Unless he has specifics to know about the dc and he asks just don't bother.. Set contact days so no need for calls anyway.. He is using the dc to abuse you.

It sounds abusive and really horrible for you. He is trying to control you and upset you. Personally I'd move to just text or email communication and not answer the phone to him. That gives you an evidence trail of his abuse.

Hugs to you

Nope he's being controlling and abusive still.

Stop communicating about school things - the school has an obligation to inform both parents.

Tell him you will no longer communicate by phone due his ongoing abuse and it is now email only.

Block him on your phone apart from when the DC are with him.

Consider having rigid fixed contact to lessen communication required.

He wants to keep you still focused on him rather than moving on with your life.

Don’t answer the phone. He doesn’t get to decide how you communicate. I’d just text him saying sorry don’t have time to talk, if anything urgent/DC related please text or email.

I bought 2 cheap calenders. Wrote contact dates on both and gave 1 to exh. Got sick of his leering whenever I had to see him. Urgh made me crawl.

He is getting a nasty cheap thrill from his control over you.
I can only tell you what worked for me. I bought a phone, gave the new number to everyone but him. I put the old phone in a little used room, on silent, and only checked for messages at once day. I chose a time that was before the dc bed time. I took off the voicemail option.

I had an email account he used. I made a new email account which I gave to everybody but him. Same thing. Checked once. I made a file for storing all the messages. I gave the file a name beginning with the letter 'z', so it didn't pop up first and make my stomach roll.
I made every reply, short, succint, to the point and devoid of emotion. I did not reply to any rant or accusation or blackmail.
It got easier. Sometimes I would file the emails unread.
He is using excuse phone calls to poison your day. Take away his control.
It is so hard, and that old story about 'his friends say', he is lying.

You can do this xx

My ExH was like this. For years I felt the fear of seeing his name appear on my phone. I eventually learned to ignore the threats as they were always empty and designed to intimidate. My guess is that he wants to talk on the phone because if he abuses you over text you have evidence. I would record his phone calls and after an abusive one when he's telling you that he's recorded you you can say 'that's fine, so am I so we can share both our recordings when the time comes'. Play him at his own game and show him you're not intimidated by his threats.

Why do you need a name for it? If you're able to terminate the call when he gets irate, you can terminate it whenever you like. If you don't listen to this crap any more, it won't need a name, because it won't be in your life.

If that doesn't work, don't pick up his calls. There's plenty of other ways to communicate these days, in brief or at length. Nobody needs to be in the phone to anybody they don't want to, and he can't force you to pick up.

He's playing the victim.
Stop giving him a platform and watching the performance.

End the call.
Start logging everything.

Block him; the whole point about being an ex - is that you dont give a flying f!!! about his opinion.
You communicate in the way you choose. He can take it or leave it

Don't get into a to and fro about it. It doesn't matter what he thinks, or what his friends think.

For school stuff, he can have his own relationship with the school, no need for you to be his go-between.

Just email him about the practical stuff you have to and don't ever respond to anything outside of that.

Have a few boring, non-committal stock phrases if you really really have to speak to him, "grey rock" him.

I used to put the phone down on the side and not listen, and he never knew...

I stopped listening,

there is no reason you need to contact

get school stuff sent to him directly, if he wants to attend - he will

He is doing this to provoke a reaction from you. That’s his sole motivation and purpose. Just leave the phone off the hook and go and make a cup of tea, or have a Twix, or go and watch an episode of Strictly. Don’t give him the time of day he doesn’t deserve.

He wants the phone contact to continue as that's his only way to continue to abuse you.

And that's why you should move to email as your primary contact method for arranging contact, agreeing anything to do with school etc and text messages for anything urgent such as running late for pickup etc.

Phone calls only if there is a 999 situation involving the DC.

Date and time stamped emails and text messages from provable sources are much less fun to use as abuse mechanisms....

There is a name for it, its a 'game' called 'Courtroom', the theme is 'everyone agrees that I am right and you are wrong' and its a common bullying tactic in couples that are going for relationship counselling.

If you read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne (and I'm OK, you're OK by Thomas Harris) you can find out about Transactional Analysis and relationship 'games'. 'Games' is the name given dysfunctional ways of relating to others.
There's a list of games here;
www.helps4u.force9.co.uk/TA%20games.pdf

Thank him for the beautifully effective reminders of why you no longer wanted anything to do with him. Its so hard when you have dependent children, you have to maintain ties with adult children that don't deserve your time. Good luck

Thank you all for your feedback I will certainly start putting some more distance between us and reduce the contact we have further.

I thought text and email was sufficient so its good to know it is.

I ought to block him on SM too as he has a habit of 'telling me off' if he sees me on it late at night. Now I just avoid using it in the evening.

Thank you for the second email address and phone tips.

Thank you @Thelnebriati that was interesting. Will look into that a bit more.

@RoseMartha

Thank you all for your feedback I will certainly start putting some more distance between us and reduce the contact we have further.

I thought text and email was sufficient so its good to know it is.

I ought to block him on SM too as he has a habit of 'telling me off' if he sees me on it late at night. Now I just avoid using it in the evening.

Thank you for the second email address and phone tips.

Thank you @Thelnebriati that was interesting. Will look into that a bit more.

Definitely block him on social media! Cheeky controlling bastard.

You really need to take steps back and make sure you're strengthening your boundaries all round so he doesn't continue to exert control over you like this. He doesn't get a say on what you do in the evenings or at any other time, and his opinions (many and frequent and loud and domineering as they may be) don't matter.

😳

Can't believe you have him on social media. Block block block, email only!!

Funnily enough they don't like being abusive in writing when you then have evidence against them!

Text and email is sufficient and right because it keeps a log of everything said between the 2 of you. If you ever end up in family court or in a dispute you want it written down. If he calls you after a text ypu don't have to pick up. You can text back 'id rather you said what you need to say over text'. I'd remove him from SM. And don't reply to anything which isn't related specifically to the kids. As a PP said. Grey rock him