How can I leave him when I have a 1 year old

[Luckyme30]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we have a 1 year old, own our own home together and we both work, though he is bread winner and I earn around £1000pm but with mortgage, bills and household expenses that gets eaten up very quickly.

I won’t go into my reasons for leaving but I feel I need to leave him, we’ve tried to work through things and it’s not worked, I am not happy and I don’t feel this is fair on our son.

How do I leave? We own our house together but I’m only likely to get a small amount back once the house is sold due to our deposit.

What do I do about work? I only do 3 days a week which wouldn’t pay the household bills if I stayed in our house (currently bills are around £1.5k pm)..

Would I be entitled to benefits? Would my son be eligible for free nursery (otherwise I won’t be able to work and look after my son)

I just don’t know where to turn, I need to hear some positive success stories of leaving when you have nothing..

Sorry to hear. I left my partner when my daughter was very young (he was cheating)
I moved back in with my parents for a year. Is that an option for you?

@Luckyme30

Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we have a 1 year old, own our own home together and we both work, though he is bread winner and I earn around £1000pm but with mortgage, bills and household expenses that gets eaten up very quickly.

I won’t go into my reasons for leaving but I feel I need to leave him, we’ve tried to work through things and it’s not worked, I am not happy and I don’t feel this is fair on our son.

How do I leave? We own our house together but I’m only likely to get a small amount back once the house is sold due to our deposit.

What do I do about work? I only do 3 days a week which wouldn’t pay the household bills if I stayed in our house (currently bills are around £1.5k pm)..

Would I be entitled to benefits? Would my son be eligible for free nursery (otherwise I won’t be able to work and look after my son)

I just don’t know where to turn, I need to hear some positive success stories of leaving when you have nothing..

He isn’t the breadwinner. He is not bringing home the bread and looking after you if you are crippling yourself with mortgage and bills on your small take home salary.

He isn’t actually doing anything for you.

Do you have a friend who you can sit down with in front of a benefits calculator? You will be entitled to help.

I was in a similar situation to you. Verbally and emotionally abusive, physically threatening, manipulative, gaslighting, bullying. This may not be the same as you, but for me it made seeing a path ahead very complex.

He's the breadwinner, I went part time when I returned to work after maternity leave. Take home of 1450. Financially I seemed trapped. In the end I couldn't take any more and left.

Move on 18 months, I have a 40%share in a shared ownership property. We split our daughter 4 nights to 3. He pays me maintenance. We split the property equity in half. With regards to to benefits I'm not actually entitled to too much. My daughter is now on 30 free hours, but I suggest you get some legal advice regarding your situation, and particularly the house. If you arentennants in kind and your name is on the mortgage and deeds you shouldn't have any issue with a 50,50 split. Perhaps more depending on your financial situation. Most solicitors will do a free consultation.

I can't advise with regards to whether you should stay or leave, however but from my personal experience, if you've tried working and nothing is changing, and you are thinking this way, the end has pretty much come. Get as much advice as you possibly can re finances. Some other people may better be able to advise you re benefits.

I left my daughters partner when she was 1. Controlling manipulative man who made me v unhappy. Best thing I ever did. Worked part time, rented a house for us and got help with housing benefit and council tax. Was difficult financially for a while but I was so much happier. Life is just too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

@bluejelly

Sorry to hear. I left my partner when my daughter was very young (he was cheating) I moved back in with my parents for a year. Is that an option for you?

@bluejelly my parents are great but they don’t have the room for me - on a short term basis ir coukd work though but definitely not longer term :(

@Suprima apologies my first post wasn’t clear, I meant to say that if I were to stay in the house we both own with our son (and my partner move out) my outgoings would be £1.5k - they currently are.. we split our bills, he pays the bulk but i obviously contribute. I don’t have any savings either so nothing to fall back on.

@ThirdTimeIucky thank you for your reply. I only earn £1000 a month working part time, to fit around my mum looking after ds whilst I work. This is what concerns me, renting a property in my area would cost around £900pm and then there are bills on top of that plus providing for my son.
Because I part one a house with my partner I don’t know if that would be taken into account when being assessed for benefits which is my problem.

Thank you for your story though it’s made me have some hope for my future.

@Jj987 you are right! It’s too short to be unhappy! I really am unhappy with my life.

No advice on the financial side, but on the living unhappily........ get out! Life is too short! I should have left years ago, but never had "a reason". Over the summer, he provided me with "a reason". The day he moved out I felt so relieved. Having been a few months now I've realised that actually all he contributed around the house was loading the dishwasher (it would take him all evening- a ploy to make me think he was "doing lots") and putting the bins out. He also contributed to my mental health being rubbish with little digs/ nasty comments

I don't think you'll be able to buy him out because you don't earn enough to remortgage in your name only.

You would just have to split the equity 50/50 and rent instead. Obviously your equity would be spent on rent before any benefits could kick in . A way to counter-act this would be for you and your ex to do a deal whereby he buys you out in exchange for some of his pension. The pension isn't touchable benefits wise although I appreciate it's of no use to you till you're 55, but it would be one way of protecting a lump sum.

Use a benefit calculator to see what you may get. Something like this
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Universal credit will top up wages to help with rent and pay some childcare costs. You may get more than you think. The problem will be finding a place to rent while on benefits as many exclude tenants for this reason.

Would he leave while you sell the house then you can use the funds for a deposit and renting which will ease the path having 6 or even 12m rent in advance? It sends course how much you would have after selling and repaying the mortgage and fees.

Go to citizens advice , where I live you can get your rent paid for 6 months while they house is sold ( you obvs need to find so where to rent ) . And you would be entitled to some benefits as a single person .
Go get advice asap , help is there !

Isn't it against the law to exclude tenants on benefits now? Maybe if you have enough equity you could look at shared ownership properties? Citizens advice may be able to suggest other options.

If you jointly own the house thdn you can force a sale and buy your own property.

I left when my DD was 1. Best thing I ever did.

If you can stay with your parents short term whilst you sort everything out it will take the pressure off you and get rid of the reasons you are not leaving.

Move in with your parents for a short time and re build from there. It's easier to do this when children are small

Other options could be moving to a cheaper area and/or finding childcare that would enable you to work more days a week. Your soon to be ex should be paying half the childcare costs.

Use the benefits calculator as you may be entitled to something.

What equity is in the house? How did you buy..joint tenants or in common?

Your likely to get cms so use the calculator to work out maintenance.

At the start of a separation it feels impossible but there is always a way. I separated a few years ago and the thought of starting again was daunting, I definitely had some sleepless nights but I found a way to house myself and the dc.

You work, that's a good start. If will get easier as your ds gets older.

Believe you can leave and the solutions will come.

I left when dc was 6 months, retrained when ds was 9 months. It was hard but best thing I ever did, had no family support df had already died and dm died shortly after I separated. I didn't know I could do it and exh said I couldn't, my life now is great. It is so worthwhile my advice do it and take some time ( years not months) to get back to you, good luck and you can do it

Probably if you split the equity, it will mean you have too high savings to qualify for support immediately, but when that runs out you will be eligible. You’d probably then be eligible for UC which includes a childcare element.