The next couple of shit years

[AngrySunday]

I've broken up with XP. He's in the house and being an absolute arse. Nothing to be surprised about but I'm so so angry.

People keep saying after these couple of shit years you'll get through it and be in a much better position. I want to be there now. I don't want to be living with my mum and paying for him to be living at the house.

People who have been there please give me something to get through these awful days, weeks, months and hopefully not years.

Hi, I remember that feeling.

I remember, at around this time of year, telling my friend about how I wanted Christmas with my kids in a house of our own. She told me the next Christmas would come round quick enough. It really felt like it wouldn't.

And now this is our fourth Christmas in this house. Our little happy home. I can't believe how fast ita gone.

I know it seems like it will take forever, but I does pass and it's so so worth it. But honestly, I don't think that helps you. Because that feeling is awful.

Is the house in joint names? Is it being sold?

What's your plan? Have you started the divorce, agreed financial arrangements, child arrangements (if appropriate)? Going through separation and divorce is indeed shit but at some point, once you've put enough effort into change you stop seeing the pain as needless suffering and start seeing the point and the purpose of it all and so whilst it's still hard, the feeling of purpose gives you more strength to get through it.

When I was in a similar position I just really needed someone to tell me it would be all ok. And it really will OP. By the following Christmas I had a great social life, a safe home and had started seeing a lovely man. You will get there, but I don't think it will just come to you. You have to get out there.

Time goes very quickly. I am also 4 years in. And we are happy now.

For the first few years it was an emotional roller coaster. I did counselling and took anti depressants. Not for everyone but they enabled me to cope.

I focused on the small things. Ate far too much cake but each day I would look for the joy. Hang in there.

Thank you all. I'm in a dark place this morning after our toddler son was quite poorly last night. Thankfully he is ok. XP didn't really seem to care.

Luckily no divorce to deal with. Just the sale of the house. He is refusing to sell for less than asking and we don't have many views unfortunately. I just hope it goes quickly or I think I might need a court order for sale.

He has already moved on and for some reason this has got under my skin because I just don't want another woman in my own home when I'm not able to go there.

He wanted 50/50 but can barely be arsed to see our son and he won't pay me maintenance which really gets my back up as I'm paying for the house still.

I feel like I can't even begin to move on.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that he’s being such an arse.

I promise you that things will get better and you will be happy. Each day you get through is a day closer to where you want to be, and some days are better than others. Be kind to yourself and allocate yourself some time to ‘wallow’ - it can be hard not to bottle everything up when you have children to think of.

From a practical point, keep a record of how much time he’s actually spending with your son. Are there set days/ times arranged and he’s just not turning up? If so, keep a record of that too. If childcare arrangements are ad hoc to suit your ex, is that working for you and your son too? If the reality of contact is < 50%, maybe consider going through CMS.

I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas. This time next year you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come and how much has changed. In fact, I bet if you got into the habit of writing down a couple of sentences about how you’re feeling and what the situation is each day you’d be able to read back and see a difference a lot quicker!

Why's he not paying maintenance! Get onto CMS straight away. I'd also speak to a solicitor about forcing the sale of the house. Have you asked him to buy you out?

very unlikely he will end up wanting 50/50, if he can't be arsed now it won't get better.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through it.
Try and be pleased he's moved on, she is surely welcome to him, poor woman, you on the other hand have a better future that's coming if you just keep going

I will look at CMS. I've done the calculation. Came up with an amount I thought was fair to us both and he just refuses to acknowledge it. I will get on to my solicitor about forcing the house.

@Catquestion thank you. I'm going to keep a log of my feelings. I think that is a great idea.

And yes the new woman is welcome to him. I actually feel sorry for her tbh. But I don't want her in my house. Maybe it's petty but I don't. I hope it actually works out because he'll want to move on with her.

I was in your shoes this time last year OP, it was awful, I had got an order for sale of the house, and an order keeping him out, but because of Covid the order keeping him out ran out. I didn't have money to go back to court so was stuck with him for 4 months til the house sold.

In your shoes, I would try to get sale ordered, my ex tried everything to wreck the sale but knew I'd go back to court if he succeeded. Without the order I have no doubt I'd still be there.

You WILL get through it, take one step at a time and get legal advice.

Move back in, that'll give him a sense of urgency about selling! And you can just tell him it's his turn do some of his 50/50 parenting, leave the child with him and walk out the door whenever you want.

Get more legal advice. If I were you I would get a court order ASAP. He will will do his best to stop a sale, as he is of course fine living alone in the house and has no motivation to change things.

I hope today has been a more positive day @AngrySunday

@Catquestion thanks for asking after me. Things have deteriorated further. I've asked him not to contact me at the moment so I can have some space. He has been quite difficult about the house selling but we do have a buyer which is great. I just hope it sticks. I want him out my life but at the same time feel sad for the house and life we could have had if we were better for one another, if that makes sense.

I’m sorry things are still so horrible. Remember, you have the strength to get through this! And it sounds like you’re doing really well.

The feeling of sadness for the life you’d planned and expected as a family is, unfortunately, really normal and I completely understand it. I’d definitely recommend seeking counselling, even if you only have a couple of sessions. It can really help you to process what you’ve been through and how you’re feeling.

I hope all goes smoothly with the house sale- at least that’s then one practical thing ticked off the list

I had a long period like this, my ex was intentionally dragging his feet to stop me moving on and for his own gain , he was buying me out. We went to mediation and he was called out on it ! I threatened to move back in as it was cosy for him. In hindsight I should have never moved out, it felt easier at the time but meant he was in no rush.

Took about a year but all settled now. It is worth it and you'll get there.