Infidelity??

[Jordanla]

Do all men watch porn?, in secret or do you know about it?
Is watching and chatting to live cam girls different , does that cross a line?, found history of partner doing that on his iPad, help and advice appreciated

In my relationship porn is ok, but communication is not. We've talked about our boundaries. It's up to you to set your boundary on what you feel is acceptable. If you aren't OK with what DP is doing, tell him that, you should not have to accept something that makes you unhappy.

I'm sorry you're in the position and having to ask.

It's very subjective, for some it's discussed and known about and fine, for others it's a complete shock because it's furtive and secret.

My situation fell into the latter although more extreme in what I caught him doing. Over a year later and with the benefit of being able to reflect, it's not necessarily the acts themselves but the behaviour - its keeping something from you, it's possibly (in my case) to the the detriment of the relationship/intimate relationship and then further down the line, how he behaved after the event was pretty awful too.

What do you want to do? Confront him?

Thing is, if you ignore it, it will eventually rear its head again. It's no way to live.

But seeing as you've titled this thread Infidelity, I'm assuming you're feeling betrayed and that really is normal.

I found this when dealing with my situation helpful to articulate why I was feeling like I was.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202102/so-you-think-you-weren-t-cheating

If my partner was using porn and not having sex with me I would feel upset, but hey.

However if he was interacting with the girls, I would consider it cheating. Just the same as if he was in the same room as him. They are performing just for him.

Line drawn, crossed and he would be out the door.

My story:

Discovered now ex performing on cam sites 2016. Did it all all times of the day, including when our primary age kids were running round the house. He'd moved a couple of the girls off Chaturbate and onto Skype, so it was very personal and became relationship styled rather than just virtual sex. He got help. We moved on.

Discovered it again in 2018. I chucked him out for a month while he got help. Tried to rebuild, but the trust had completely gone.

Again, 2020. I ended the relationship. This time he was "in love" with a US camgirl, after only 4 weeks of wanking. His daughter can't stand him and hasn't seen him for months. His son is very bitter about it all, but sees him because it's his dad. All our friends want nothing to do with him as he was the great husband, fab dad, do anything for you my friend type of man, which all his friends now know as a double life and feel betrayed by him.

I pity him. So much lost.

When I discovered it in 2016, I found records dating back to 2010. Ex didn't deny it had been going on that long. He said he started by watching porn. He began to need more thrills to cum, so kept pushing the envelope. I found a whole load of crap and content he'd created. Resulting in him performing on webcams for tokens.

All started with him watching a bit of porn in secret. It became an addiction. The more I read, the clearer it became that my story is far more common than known. Because it's around sex addiction, it's far more hidden and feels much more shameful than drugs/drink. This woman is the leading expert in the country

www.paulahall.co.uk/

If I'm honest, the secrecy more than the cams killed my 20 yr marriage...of which my husband was cheating on me for 10 of those years.

My advise OP? End it now. Don't get stuck in the spiral of addiction and thinking it'll get better like I did. Had I known in 2016 what I know now, I'd have ended things then.

All the best.

It would be a deal-breaker for me.

I personally view it as cheating as they engaged with someone else but I suppose it's a conversation everyone needs to have with their partner. My exH cheated on me more times that I can count according to me definition of cheating. In his eyes he "only" cheated twice... He apparently didn't count one occasion as cheating it was just oral sex, him on her and vice versa. I mean most people regard that as cheating I think, but my point is, conversations need to be had.
But at the end of the day, if you don't want your partner knowing about it, then you know you're doing something wrong

For me, porn use killed the love and respect I had for my DH. It was the secrecy, the repeated looking up of the same models, a couple of real life people too. I never got over it and I tried so hard to.

Porn use also kills the love and respect for their partner, as the porn-user will, over time, normalise the sex witnessed in the porn (which often represents a power dynamic of the male over the female; rarely would you see a porn clip featuring romance, caressing, love, etc., these days).

Thankyou xx

Thankyou