Had my heart broken for the last time. Talk to me about a life without romantic love?

[WhereIshappinesss]

I’m 36 and over summer yet another relationship ended. I loved him. I really believed I’d found someone right for me. Turns out he didn’t value commitment long term with me as he started talking about jobs in America. Anyway. My heart can’t take anymore. I’ve had it. I took some time out and thought I would feel like dating again soon but I don’t. I feel even more entrenched in the idea that I can’t go through it all again…the meeting, the dating, the introduction to family and friends, the compromises that are unique in all new things, the investment and the faith that it might work this time. I just can’t do it. I’m angry and upset and deeply sad about the fact that I haven’t found love but something in me has shifted now. As sad as I am, I can’t do it anymore and that’s a bigger part here than the idea of missing out on love completely.

Where does that leave you in life? Not just now but potentially years on, when you’re older and alone? How do I make my life as full and happy as it can be? My friends are all settled down but I do see them a lot.

I guess I’ve spent so long hoping I would find someone right for me, that now I’ve written that off I have this blank canvas of where that side of my will be filled. I have hobbies etc but I mean more how you deal with the lack of romantic love? How do you deal with that day to day, going to bed alone? Cooking alone? Fixing a broken pipe alone? Etc…

I would start with deciding do I want children? But otherwise - you can still meet someone unintentionally.

I don't think you need to worry about that far ahead. You don't want to meet someone at the moment, so live a single life and see how it goes. You don't have to make a life long commitment to it. If you don't want to be alone at some future point you can try dating again.

Fixing a broken pipe alone?

Anything can happen to your partner do it’s good to be self reliant.

You don't need to take a decades long vow of celibacy, signed in blood and then worry about life 40 years from.now.

You can decide to take a break from dating, make new friends, travel solo, try new hobbies, try therapy to understand who you are in relationships etc

Its great to try something new after a failed relationship!

There are no certainties in life...people married now will be widowed, or abandoned, so the question of how you find joy in your life every day by yourself is a great one.

Learn a skill, go somewhere new for a holiday, take a demanding qualification, build routines (Sunday is brunch and a book day)....undertake a home makeover, look at volunteering opportunities with local vulnerable kids who need adult mentors, get a dog, get involved in local campaigns to improve the neighbourhood...join a yoga class, join an adult ballet class,

I mean you can do anything! And maybe you won't like everything you try, but you will get to know yourself better and enjoy your time with yourself, and then these fears you have will have less power.

Have long as you need to heal, don't place too much expectations of having a long term partnership, in the future when you want to date again and I'm sure you will, let things evolve naturally, any sign of non committal men, dump them sooner than hoping they'll change, I'm sure you've learnt a lot from the past relationship and what you don't want, concentrate on what you want for now and the right man will fit in one day. It's ok to be single, give yourself alot of self love.
No one can tell how long a relationship will last and it's only worth it if it's a good relationship.

How do you deal with that day to day, going to bed alone? Cooking alone? Fixing a broken pipe alone? Etc…

I find your examples odd because I'm in a relationship but still do all of these.

I wouldn't say they are particularly important things but maybe they are to you?

Maybe I'm out of line but i would worry that if that is what you want out of a relationship maybe you will be choosing to stay with someone a bit mediocre rather than remain single?

Hope you are ok

If you're imagining your future stretching in front of you as a lonely, desolate place then perhaps you haven't really given up on the idea of romantic love but are rejecting it for the time being as a way of protecting yourself from futher hurt.

I'm happily single and intending to stay that way, my life feels complete and I feel liberated by not dating or seeking a partner but I never say never, life happens and things change. Going to bed alone is the best bit, I sleep so much better. I don't mind eating alone, I have free reign over what and when, no one to judge when I eat celery with peanut butter and ketchup for dinner, but I also cook for friends because sharing a meal is nice sometimes. I like being practical and resourceful and have, in all but one instance, always been better at DIY than partners. I'm nearly 50.

Rather than decide you will never have another relationship why not build the life you want for yourself and think about relationships being on the back burner. You may or may not change your mind in the future but if you create the life you want you won't be wasting time waiting for someone else to make it feel complete.

The hurt after a relationship ends can last for a few years, be kind to yourself, don't make any resolutions just get on with the business of living life your way.

'Romantic love' ?

I'm just so much happier since I stopped wondering/expecting to meet somebody. I haven't ''given up'' in a walls up around me way even though I'm 51, but realistically, you have to have quite low expectations of meeting somebody. I do nothing to try and make it happen. Nothing. Which means I'm never disappointed.

I'm not afraid. I did OLD for years. I put my heart on the line. And I was dumped, played, used, love bombed, passed over, ignored, you name it. The one thing that never happened was that somebody valued me above all the others in the sweet shop. so I called time on it. Being single wasn't making me unhappy. But yet I was trying to ''fix it'' and that was making me unhappy.

I have my job, my home, friendships, my health, my hobbies, my teenagers, my freedom, my plans for the future.

Unless somebody amazing sees me for more than my ageing body then I will be single forever and so be it.

@Ufucofi

'Romantic love' ?

As opposed to the love of friends, siblings, parents?

I think I’m about to join you. If this one doesn’t work out (which I can’t see) I’m done. I’m 45 and only got involved because there’s history, would not have given a chance to a new person.

I was thinking about this today, how to be ok on my own, what to focus on etc. I think for me it’ll be getting a nice little house and making it a home.

Don't take this in a cynical way that it sounds but there is no such thing as love. Like yes, love for your children, yes.

You really liked him and for some reason you found that he was the one, until the next one comes along.

I'm not saying you can't care for someone deeply, I'm not saying that you can't miss someone purely because they have been in your life for so long. I'd miss a slug if I talked to it every single day. You'll 'Love Again'

Be happy, make yourself happy, don't rely on another person to do that. We need people, we need companionship. Do we really need 'Relationships' in that romantic sense, I don't believe so, I believe we've all conditioned ourselves to think so.

Follow your own path.

Often the more you look for something the less inclined you are to find and attract it.

Embrace falling in love with yourself and your life so that you never need to feel like it's a second best. It doesn't have to be lonely, or cooking alone, even going to bed alone. Surround yourself with friends, family, associates, lodgers. Make your life so you choose not to be with someone, rather than being resigned to it as it's not worked out that way.

Yeah, my husband dumped me. I don’t how long it will take for me to heal, so I’m not looking for another relationship, I’m hoping for a FWB at some point as I think it’s the better option for me. I won’t be hurt again.

I’ve decided I’m not going to attempt to look for/have relationships with men.
I’m content with having good friends, planning things with them. Volunteering to work over Christmas, when the kids are with their dad.
Long term, I will probably look into doing shared lives, and sharing my home with adults who need support to live independently.

Oh, and my dogs. I’ve embraced being the mad dog woman, and it suits me

I think it's the 'dating' that is the problem.

In days gone by, we went about our lives, and maybe we met someone that we clicked with and a relationship began; maybe we didn't, in which case we'd built a single life.

OLD is so artificial, the notion that we can choose a partner from a checklist, and it plays straight into the hands of those who are not what they like to present themselves as.

I did it on and off for a few years, found it utterly bruising & demoralising, realised why, and decided I'd leave it to chance. I'm enjoying my life anyway....

As the years go by, it seems to me that a successful long term human pair bond is a rare thing indeed (I only know 5 couples out of lots who've gone the distance) and a fulfilling life as a single person probably offers the best chance of happiness.

Nourish your friendships, OP, you are not alone

I get it OP. I spent decades trying to find someone and it was all very disappointing. I have a bf now but if we don't work out that's it for me.

You are still young and you may still find someone. But you are whole as you are and as you get older you will care less.

Many of us face disappointments and I'm sorry you feel so low about this. Life is what you make it but it's still possible to be happy even if you're alone. I think it's good to be as self-reliant as you can.

I'm widowed and life will never be the same. Practical stuff like washing the car, pumping up the tyres, all the house and garden maintenance have to be dealt with alone and this is when I miss my practical DH - he seemed to deal with those things so easily.

Look for the small compensations. If you want to eat cake for breakfast or eat no breakfast at all it doesn't matter, no-one will raise an eyebrow (not that DH would have minded, in fact he would've laughed, but you see what I'm getting at) and you can please yourself. It's having no-one to do nothing with that's the hard bit but most of the time it's not insurmountable. Try to make the best of things. One day someone may come along and you'll be ready, or not, as the case may be. Life is still worth living.

I wish i knew how to help.

I have the same problem.

35, never been in a relationship.
Never loved or been loved.

Biggest help has been telling myself that love isin’t real, many couples are together cause that’s what you’re supposed to do and not many people liver/are loved, really.

It’s so easy to fantasize about love.

I've got a thread about this. I was happy single but dipped into OLD and have just been dumped by someone who wasn't good enough. I have a child whose young and a good family and job etc. I'm done.

Honestly you just get on with it. It probably helped that I was massively self sufficient before I entered relationships and so when my marriage ended 5 years ago I just defaulted back to doing everything on my own. I have DC and a flakey ex so most of the parenting falls to me too - no option but to just crack on. I'm quite happy without a partner. Two of my DC are young adults and have already moved out of home, my younger one aren't even teens yet, so by the time they leave home I'll be in my early 60s and still happily single.