Can you be abusive but love your child?

[Overwhelmed83]

I’m struggling so much with this.

Can a man abuse their wife, be a bully to people they don’t like but genuinely love their child?

He was found guilty at the fact finding, refused to admit any of it and just blamed stress and me etc. Child witnessed his behaviour but wasn’t towards them. Child was only 3 at the time.

He is mentally unstable, I suspect some kind of personality disorder so I can’t see how he will be different around our child. He will manipulate emotionally like he has always done won’t he?

Some people are inadequate parents. Doesn't mean they don't love their children (and their children live them) but something within them or their own formative experiences makes them unable to be a good enough parent*

Nailed it , and that’s the case with my ex
And on some bad days , me

So do they get to be in there children’s lives if they are inadequate on all days. We all have off times.

If that child’s sole purpose is to fit in and make your life better not being able to act selflessly but to be alive to meet your needs. My husband did that to me and unfortunately my boundaries were weak. I became an extension of him and when I didn’t do something that was what he wanted I was in trouble. Will this happen to my child if she sees him. What will this do to her because I had a breakdown in the end.

I’m terrified of my ex getting contact because I KNOW he will use her to get his needs met and it’s a bottomless pit in his head of need.

It seems there are a lot of us out there going through this, it seems unfair.

@Oblomov21

"Can a man abuse their wife, be a bully to people they don’t like but genuinely love their child?"

Yes.

"He was found guilty at the fact finding, "
What was he found guilty of specifically?

I have very strong feelings about this topic. Depends what you mean as abusive. Not everyone agrees. I've seen many MN threads where posters have said that OP's behaviour / parenting / way of dealing with a situation is abusive, others disagree.

A fact finding deals with specific dated events and allegations. So it is entirely possible for a judge to find evidence of this in a family court on the applicable standard of proof

@Overwhelmed83
In answer to your question I think no
Abuse of the other parent is abuse of the child ( ren)