Too scared

[Itsallmyownfault]

Flame away. Had an affair - he doesnt want commitment, just a shag! I've fallen for him, told him that, been going on and off for years. Lost my self-respect, self-esteem and don't want to carry on - just sit and cry all day. I should tell my husband but too scared to break his heart - not his fault that his wife is a trollop. My life has come to nothing at all.

I'm not going to flame you at all. You're clearly miserable and unhappy.

You know what your choices are. He will never commit to you. Its like all breakups, messy and painful. You have to go through that pain, and it may last a while, to come out the other side. You know this isn't working for you. You either stay living with this misery and self-loathing, or you may a brave choice to end it and slowly start to rebuild yourself as a person.

When you are free of this man you can also start to make choices about your marriage.

@Itsallmyownfault

Flame away. Had an affair - he doesnt want commitment, just a shag! I've fallen for him, told him that, been going on and off for years. Lost my self-respect, self-esteem and don't want to carry on - just sit and cry all day. I should tell my husband but too scared to break his heart - not his fault that his wife is a trollop. My life has come to nothing at all.

And what's your actual question?

@Itsallmyownfault if he doesn’t want to commit to you I would cut all ties. He doesn’t sound very nice but I know that doesn’t help you. Life is hard and complicated sometimes. I’d cut him out and start some therapy.

@Monalotmoore. Sorry I suppose I haven't really got one. Just ruined everything.

He's been very honest that he's never going to commit. Do you want out of your marriage? Be honest. Do you want out of the affair? Just block him.

Do you want out of both?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation. Honestly? - I want out of the affair and never see him again

Can you nuclear end it? Say things that will mean he will never want to see you again so you can't be weak and go back?

If want you want is out and to never see him again, the good news is that is entirely within your control. It will just take resolve. Life is tough like that. Anything worth doing requires hard work to achieve and quitting with him this is one of those things.

I'm confused. So, when you started the affair it was just shagging, then you fell for him but he tells you it's still just shagging and now you're upset? Have I understood that correctly, OP?

@chocolateicefan

I'm confused. So, when you started the affair it was just shagging, then you fell for him but he tells you it's still just shagging and now you're upset? Have I understood that correctly, OP?

I don't see why you are confused. It is fairly common for people to want something casual at the start and then for one of them to develop feelings and want more.

@chocolateicefan - I have always been attracted to him and fell for him. To me it wasn't just shagging. He is the one who just wants a shag/bit of texting with no commitment. Thats what I am struggling with. It wasnt like that in the beginning.

No @TableTopTennis I wasn't confused about the process generally. I was confused about OP's feelings, because she said she wants the affair to finish, but earlier up she said she'd developed feelings and she sounds really upset so wanted to get a bit more from OP, which has now happened.

@Itsallmyownfault did you tell him early on that you were developing feelings or have you only just told now and what was it like in the beginning?

@chocolateicefan - I only want the affair to finish because he doesn't want me if that makes sense. I can't just be an occasional romp. I just can't go on like this anymore. Its having the strength/courage to walk away and not accept the breadcrumbs I get that I am struggling with. I am pathetic waiting for the next text. I thought that by posting on here I would get told how horrible I am and then I could do it. I've always wanted him in my life, always will.
I told him very early on how I feel but he has never told me and lots of periods when he ghosted me/refused to talk to me. At the beginning we talked most of the day, met, talked, laughed - now I get very little. I'm scared to tell him how I feel again because I know he will ghost me or say he can't handle it. Texts are closed questions now, ie. hope you have had a good day (if that makes sense). I answer and then get nothing.

Aww you're not a horrible person @Itsallmyownfault
You've just fallen for someone who is not suitable for you.
We've all been there.

Well, you know the score now. Considering the affair is going nowhere, you could just finish with your husband without having to say anything more than 'my feelings have changed'. Presumably that is true and you don't love him anymore in the way that you should.

End things and make a clean break with them both. Financially could you afford to take a long holiday and then move to a place of your own? Even if it means going from owning to renting. Until the divorce and division of the assets that is.

I know it's hard but we all fuck up spectacularly from time to time but we have to try to practice kindness to both ourselves and to any party who may have been injured as a result of our actions. 'Love' is not an excuse to be a dickhead. You were caught up in things - but now you see things clearly so put your big girl pants on and start being a grown up. Time to stop fucking up (and stop fucking the married man).

Block him.
Don't tell your dh. It might make you feel better but at the cost of a lot of hurt to him.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Focus on getting through each day doing something positive for someone else.
Fake it till you make it. Be too busy to spend time wallowing in heartbreak.
Give it time.

Only when you can honestly say that you have really tried and it's not working, have the conversation with your dh about ending the marriage.

Youre in the miserable and confusing situation of being infatuated with someone who shows you no care or respect and uses you for his own gratification.

The very behaviours which hurt you, will increase your sense of urgency and attachment and dependence on him. So you're really quite stuck.

There's cold turkey, there's therapy to support you through the cold turkey...but he won't change. And it won't get better. And it won't hurt less.

Telling your husband as the affair ends would seem pointless, cruel and self destructive.

[quote Itsallmyownfault]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation. Honestly? - I want out of the affair and never see him again[/quote]
No flaming At All.

But let's separate out the two things.

The Affair Partner

I understand what you really want is him, but he doesn't want a relationship with you - that hurts. But I think you need to call an end to it, because you're just going to keep getting hurt if you carry on seeing him & having sec with him wondering why he doesn't want to commit to you. It's like any relationship where one wants commitment & the other doesn't. It's hard to let go, bloody hard, but you have to look forwards to a happier future than you can have in this limbo. You can be sad, hurt, pissed off, but you'll work through it. You'll get there in the end.

Then you need to think about your marriage. You need to decide if it's over or if it's something you want to work at. I don't think it's as simple as saying 'if you had an affair your marriage can't be what you want'. We can live/be in live/have sex with more than one person and sometimes that can be at the same time, without meaning you don't love them.

Only you know how you feel about your DH. Do you love him? Are you in live with him? Was there something missing before?

But I do think you need to either set your husband free or commit to making a good marriage, for both your sakes. If there are things that aren't right/working in your marriage you need to talk to him & work through them together.

I'm sorry I can't tell you that you're awful... you're not. You sound lonely, sad, hurt & confused... it's crap. Don't beat yourself up, but make some decisions and move forward xx

Tell him you are going to tell your H about him and see how fast he runs away . You won't have to end it then as he will do it for you . Years ? Oh dear , you have a task ahead of you . How do you feel about your H ? Should you be leaving him too and starting a new life on your own ?

Thank you all. All your comments are spot on. I’ve got a lot to think about .

He is and always has been after an easy fuck.
You provide that. And you’re a fucking idiot for not understanding
Personally I’d dump you for being a fucking idiot, not the affair.

Get over yourself.

We’ve all made mistakes.. don’t mind marbles there..can you work or get busy while you get over the twat? And figure out life with your husband?

You want to be told how horrible you are? Well you are. To yourself. You are putting yourself through hell when you could be free. Free from guilt, free from checking your phone and the constant roller coaster of emotion, of being happy or sad at his whim. Free to do other things and really concentrate on them rather than be there in body with your mind on him. Free to experience Christmas, holidays and so on without wishing he was there. Theres no happiness in a half relationship when you want more and the highs are not worth the lows. You need to grit your teeth, get your head down and get through it. You will be so much happier and have so much more peace of mind when you do.

Hard as it is to accept, you’ve been played by someone who just wanted sex. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. But, you’ve stayed around whilst he has continually treated you like shit. I don’t think you’re a “trollop” at all, but I do think you’re vulnerable and have been naive. I would strongly suggest some kind of therapy to help you understand why you would accept this shitty behaviour, from the AP or yourself (because it has obviously done nothing for your self esteem?) . And to decide what to do about your marriage, because whilst I sympathise with your situation, I also feel for your husband .

It's a horrible situation and I know you are feeling very sad about the affair partner... but if this has been going on for years your husband deserves to know. And the happiness and excitement that you got from playing away, he deserves to find that elsewhere with somebody committed to him. Or perhaps with you, if you can re-commit to him and work through the fallout. Either way, he deserves to know and to make a choice as to whether he wants to stay in this relationship or not. I know you are focussed on your affair partner but I can't overlook your husband in this.

I'm not going to say you that are a terrible person or not. We all make our choices and have to live with them. You sound very upset and that isn't pleasant whether you are the cause of it or not. I hope you are able to see the affair for what it is and move on from it and heal. Either with DH or on your own.