What do I do about my mother in law

[Ellieisdancing]

Just over two years ago me (29) and my husband (27) welcomed our little girl into the world. Both families were so excited at the time and especially my MIL who said she couldn't wait to look after and take her out etc. Following his divorce 15 years ago my FIL emigrated out of the country. My husband, as he knew how close I am to my own family, asked me to make sure my MIL and her parents were involved so with that I made sure I visited every fortnight and kept them updated in the meantime with photos etc. My MIL lives 20 miles away from us so I usually did all the running around. This continued for about 7 months until she suddenly became disinterested in her, I returned to work for a welcome day sometime after this and she looked after her for one morning at her own house. She had all the gear she needed, she felt confident in looking after her and my husband was too, I had my reservations, and off she went. 11am that morning I get a call from my parents to say she was at their house now as my MIL couldn't cope. Turns out she'd had her for 20 minutes and felt she couldn't handle it so took her to her own parents house where they kept her for 4 hours before then bringing her to my parents who they knew could deal with her. Only at this time were my and my husband made aware of what had gone on. My MIL wanted us to be kept out of the dark. After this my MIL said she no longer wanted to care for her when I returned to work and that she'd be better in a nursery. For the next few months our relationship was fraught and she never really took an interest again. We tried, by hell we tried, she was invited for tea and play dates etc and again she got photos and stuff but she wasn't interested. COVID then hit and it meant we couldn't see anyone for about a year. I dipped in and out with messages but again she never did this off her own back or asked much how my daughter was keeping. This year we found out we were expecting again and my daughter is now 12 weeks old, during my pregnancy because of Covid we've stayed clear of family to limit our risk and explained why, but we made it clear they could reach us or see us in other ways. My family have been really good to us during this time and we were able to create a childcare support bubble with them. His family again haven't been interested until she was born. My MIL has visited once but only quickly and she asked for photos for social media.

I just don't know what to do going forward, to me I feel she's only interested for birthdays and Christmas and not any other time. My husband is annoyed with his family and it's really upset me that I've wasted time trying to involve them and got nothing back. I want my husband to speak with them but he feels the tables will be turned against us and theyll blame covid and then when they do become involved he said it'll be forced as they clearly don't want to be here. But I feel this pressure to invite them around so I'm not the bad guy, but I know deep down they'll revert to their old ways. Help?!

I honestly don't understand what the problem is here . For whatever reason, your husband's mother isn't fussed about seeing her grandchildren. Sad but it's the way it is. Far better to have this situation that to have her demanding to look after the baby or child when she isn't fit to do so.

Be thankful that you have a lovely family yourself. Kids don't necessarily need grandparents but it's nice that they have your parents.

Leave any contact making for your dh to make with his mother. It's his business, not yours. Stop with all the photos and invitations.

Just get on with your life. I just don't see the issue .

also don't really understand the issue. Do you want them more involved? If so, you're on a hiding to nothing - you can't force people to be involved or interested in your life and your children.

I would feel totally relaxed about making less effort though - you don't need to keep running around after them if they're not interested. If your DH feels they need more engagement, then he can put that effort in, but I'm not sure I see the point.

I agree completely with @Chamomileteaplease & @Triffid1

Your MIL isn’t interested, you can’t force her to be , just get on with your own life and let her come to you if she wants.
It’s really not an issue Op .

It's a pity she's not interested, but you can't change that.

Just keep the door open with communication and news every so often, remind her she's always welcome but don't put yourself out or worry about it.

If she'd wanted to she would, she doesn't.

I don’t see that you need to do anything; there’s no point forcing anything and I’d leave it to your DH. It’s hard when it’s to do with your children as it feels like why wouldn’t someone want to be involved but honestly this is not your battle to fight.
Send Christmas amd birthday cards; invite her to family events and beyond that it’s up to her

Unfortunately you need to walk away

MIL hasn’t seen her 2 grandkids (only ones) for 2 years. FIL hasn’t seen DC1 for 6 years and has never met dc2

I used to try, I used to bend over backwards to try to facilitate a relationship, but I don’t bother now. DH speaks to his mum weekly (grudgingly) but we never see her

It’s their loss. You can’t make them be involved, and the more you try the more upset you’ll get/the kids will feel rejected

Fill your lives with people who love you and don’t give them any more headspace x

Thank you all for your advice.

Agree. Your mil isnt interested. Let your dh do any communication etc. Congrats on baby. Enjoy!

I understand why people are saying its a non issue, but I think the part that hurts me and my husband the most is that she shows when it only suits her. She's not interested in knowing how my daughter gets on at nursery and the day to day things. She wants to be there for Christmas and birthdays and other special occasions to put on a big show. She's really keen on sharing things on social media as well which we've put a stop too. She gets to walk in and bring presents then disappears again for another 6 or so months, and I think it's quite hurtful for the children in the long run as well.

Since this I've asked my husband to deal with them from now on. I will remain civil and accommodating when they are around but other than that they will get no interaction from me.

It's a shame she isn't bothered about day to day things, but many extended family members aren't.

If she still participates in birthdays, Christmasses, school plays etc. that's better than nothing. Try not get to bitter and let it affect relationships, just accept she's a bit shit and get on with things. Your biggest favour to yourself will be not letting this affect you at all, enjoy your little family and the support you gave from your family.

The social media thing is quite annoying though! I sympathise with you on that front.

I understand why people are saying its a non issue, but I think the part that hurts me and my husband the most is that she shows when it only suits her. She's not interested in knowing how my daughter gets on at nursery and the day to day things. She wants to be there for Christmas and birthdays and other special occasions to put on a big show. She's really keen on sharing things on social media as well which we've put a stop too. She gets to walk in and bring presents then disappears again for another 6 or so months, and I think it's quite hurtful for the children in the long run as well.

So she's a performance grandparent. This won't be harmful for your children, I shouldn't think - but it will be hurtful for your husband, as you've said. Well done for stopping the social media preening. I'd just drop the rope totally, let her make arrangements with your husband, be cordial and polite when you see her and don't expend any further effort. You've given her enough chances, this is how she's choosing to be for whatever reason.

This honestly won't harm your children at all. Children don't have your presconceptions of what a 'good' Grandparent is, so unless you criticise her ways in front of them, she'll just be Grandma who turns up at parties with a present then leaves again.

Honestly, just leave it be.

“This honestly won't harm your children at all. Children don't have your presconceptions of what a 'good' Grandparent is, so unless you criticise her ways in front of them, she'll just be Grandma who turns up at parties with a present then leaves again.

Honestly, just leave it be.”

This. You may also find she gets more involved when they’re bigger. She’s already shown she’s lost the skills for handling really young children but she may feel better able to connect when they’re a bit older. My maternal grandmother was quite like that and we grew to have a really good relationship with her.

This will not harm your children.

How can they miss what they have never known?

Leave his family to your husband and enjoy your family.

You are giving her far too much head space and energy.