Can PND affect bond later on?

[Cleopatricia]

I had PND after DC1 was born and she is now 8. Her brother is 4.

I really struggled to bond with her as after some post birth complications, my inlaws took over to the point that I didn't get an opportunity to bond with her easily. They were always there and telling me what to do next, breastfeeding didn't happen because they were always there and ready with a bottle even though I wanted to try to breastfeed. They would take her to their house so that I could rest, thinking they were helping, but it always felt like my baby was being ripped away from me.

I eventually realised what was going on and made them step back. I felt much better when they did, but I know now, having experienced a close bond with my second child, that the bond never really came naturally with her, but with a lot of effort. She never really smiled back at me much and in baby groups, would happily toddle
over and sit on other mums knees like I was just someone else in the room. She would sleep on anyone, eat for anyone, never really cried for me.

She is much more needy of me now and she smiles a lot, we clearly have common interests and she comes to me for cuddles a lot. She doesn't quite know her place in the world still and struggles to form any meaningful friendships, she is a real free spirit.

I've wondered about ASD in her a few times. But what bothers me is that I still don't really, deep down feel bonded with her. When her brother chatters away it makes me happy, but when she does it, I just feel irritated. I love her so very much and would do absolutely anything for her, but I can't deny that I don't feel the same bond as I do with her brother.

She is loud and screechy. I find recoiling at the sound of her voice as she's so loud such a lot of the time. I often feel the same level of anxiety when I'm with her as I did when she was a baby. Mainly because of her incessant energy which I find extremely overwhelming. I feel like I can't think straight.

We spend time together, just me and her once a month doing something special together which I thoroughly enjoy, but day to day life is difficult. We feel out of sync somehow.

Is this related to having PND when she was a baby? Or is something else going on? Please be kind. I wrote about this in the Parenting forum a few years ago and was slated and accused of hating my child 😥

Oh that’s so hard for you.

Have you had any counselling around your PND and how you are feeling now?

I had PND too and it was so, so hard. Before we split up i refused to have another child with exh as I just couldn’t face getting it again.

I had counselling, I took antidepressants (still do) and I joined a lot of PND groups online for support from others who knew what it was like.

I have a strong bond with my DD now but doubt I would have done if I hadn’t had counselling.

I'm sorry op, that sounds really difficult.

My own mum had PND with me and I'm pretty sure it affected our relationship - but she's also very toxic and probably personality disordered so it's hard to see where that line is iyswim.

I agree with a PP that therapy would undoubtedly be of help here.

You are not a bad parent. You're trying your best. That's more than my mum did. Be kind to yourself 💐

Hmmm, I experienced similar and then much later my child was diagnosed with three special needs. I think my brain was subconsciously picking up on something “not being right” and then the postnatal hormones went into overdrive with it. I’m not saying that is the case here but I just want to acknowledge that it could have something to do with her not just all from you, if that makes sense? I had lots of counselling but it was only when we got the first diagnosis that I realised why I’d felt these things like “my baby didn’t love me”, looking back the eye contact wasn’t right, interactions were off. It was very subtle though, so not as obvious to an outsider until they were at primary school. I spoke to their paediatrician about it recently who said “isn’t it amazing that you were so connected to them that you knew something was going on, even if in your sleep deprived haze you couldn’t quite work out what” which was surprisingly affirming. I also have other children for whom the bond came very easily and are neurotypical. I also found the bond with my child with SEN is so much stronger now. I would always have done anything for them, but now it’s easier to love all of what makes them, them.

Again, I’m not saying that’s the case for you, but worth considering perhaps.

@Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss
"isn’t it amazing that you were so connected to them that you knew something was going on"

This one line is so reassuring for me to head too. Thank you so much.

I've had counselling since she was born. A lot in the beginning and now once a month for the last 5 years as I also have past trauma that I have to deal with. The relationship with my daughter comes up but my counsellor always reassures me that I'm well bonded with her and a good mum. Sometimes she will point out that her behaviours are typical child behaviours and other times she has suggested possible ASD. The counselling is great for othe things but hasn't managed to fix the lack of bond I feel.

I suspect her Dad is ASD. We're now separated. I see traits of a few social/learning difficulties in her. ASD, ADHD, dyspraxia. I spoke to her teacher, but because she's so conscientious at school and well behaved, they practically laughed in my face. The only thing they have said is that she daydreams.