On & off with a guy: should I tell him I want to stop?

[liska5]

I’ve been dating this guy on and off - and every time we meet, there’s crazy chemistry. But we live in different cities and have very different lifestyles, so we both know it can’t be a stable relationship without some major compromises. I would be ready to discuss them, but he clearly isn’t. Instead, he prefers to take it very slow - and while it was ok for me for a while, it’s not anymore. So now we have agreed to maybe meet in a couple of weeks (and don’t misinterpret it as hookups - we meet to talk, make out but there’s no sex). Still, I have decided that I do want more - or otherwise I want to stop it. So my question to you all is this: do I just do nothing, let him initiate yet another conversation/invite/whatever and then tell him that I’m not interested in such an unstable connection OR do I just message him now exactly that? I mean, I know guys typically want to avoid drama so maybe just putting him quietly into the friend zone and acting accordingly would be best. But then I’ll be thinking about it - I know myself. So if I tell him now that such sporadic dating just isn’t working for me any longer - maybe then I can put this to rest and forget about the guy. And maybe it would also prompt him to act - although that’s unlikely, I think he’ll rather roll his eyes and think ‘whatever, what a drama queen, she doesn’t want to continue slow dating - fine,’ and that’ll be the end of it. What do you think? So please - no advice on whether to stop it or not - I have firmly decided to stop it and move on, unless he changes. I just need advice on whether to tell him I am stopping this nonsense - or just do nothing and think of him as a friend and nothing more. Thank you!

You don’t need to be friends with this random person who doesn’t want a relationship with you. Find other friends.
Text him now and say it’s never going to work living so far away and you wish him all the best but you’re going to date other people and it’s best if you don’t see each other.
Then delete his number.
Don’t waste your time

I would message and tell him no point in dragging it out and pretending to be a friend.

Why are you so worried that asserting your needs will be interpreted as 'drama'?
Telling him upfront is the best for both of you.

Just tell him straight, you are ready to look for something more meaningful, wish him the best and move on.

I've never actually blocked anyone's number, so that seems very drastic to me, but 100% no contact is so important, if you need to block to achieve that, then do.

I just need advice on whether to tell him I am stopping this nonsense - or just do nothing and think of him as a friend and nothing more. Thank you!

Say something and then stick to it, otherwise you might end up back involved with him again and waste more of your time.

Tell him that this weird non relationship isn't working for you. So either you figure out how you can make this work properly or at least give it a try or see ya.

I’m inclined to say stay silent. He has you where he wants you, and will turn up the heat to keep you interested. He’s an avoidant type. You’ll get sucked back in. I’m going through exactly the same thing. People like this do not change.

I should add, I told the bloke 3 times I was ending it as he couldn’t give me what I needed. He didn’t want to and I bloody well carried on. It gets more painful the longer it goes on. I have blocked as I can’t be arsed with his excuses; he even told me I was “over-thinking” it. Men like this make you question your sanity.

Be honest, you have nothing to lose.. good luck

@DGFB

You don’t need to be friends with this random person who doesn’t want a relationship with you. Find other friends. Text him now and say it’s never going to work living so far away and you wish him all the best but you’re going to date other people and it’s best if you don’t see each other. Then delete his number. Don’t waste your time

100% this.

Be really upfront and direct. Contrary to your idea that this is drama, its not its simplicity, unless what you're looking for is for him to decide to change as a result. 'I'm looking for X and I dont think we're on the same page so I wish you well' you can add extra niceness but in essence its an ending and what does it matter whether they think its drama. Its you respectfully saying it doesn't meet your needs and signing off gracefully

Ok I think everyone is pretty unanimous here with the advice to tell him straight :) Well, I just messaged him - so thank you, everyone. It does make me feel better. No more thinking about it. Sometimes you just know it won’t work out but you still hope - and now it’s time to be reasonable, not emotional and hopeful. Thanks.

Well he's not a mind reader, so you'll have to tell him how you're feeling about things. If you don't say anything, then it's certain nothing will change and you'll potentially be losing out on something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so be proactive if you genuinely like him. If he doesn't want anything more, then let him roll his eyes and move on. You've made a massive assumption that's how he'll react, which is a bit negative.

You've not mentioned timescales or how many dates you've been on, but taking it slow is usually considered a positive attribute.

I saw your posts from January - you’ve let it drag on for too long. He’s shown he won’t change.

I’d message
‘I’m wanting more from a relationship and get the feeling you don’t, so think it’s best we leave thing here. Wishing you all the best’