How do you carry one when it’s continually awful?

[Hatingitallo]

I feel so vulnerable financially, health wise, socially as I’m single.

I had a dealt difficult few years with relationship breakdowns, family rifts, career pressure. I was at rock bottom a year or so ago. I managed to pick myself up and got out there, met people, and met someone I honestly thought I would never be apart from.

He became distant when the year mark hit and I wanted things to progress, thinking about moving in etc. It’s over now as he clearly didn’t want the same commitment but I’m devastated about it. I’ve no desire to get in touch and know that I wanted to settle down and needed someone who didn’t want a casual arms length relationship. But fuck it hurts. And I feel so alone.

Work has become difficult the last few months too. I’m paid ok, 65k, but the pressure of knowing everything falls on me is immense. I am realising more and more how fucking awful things would be if I wasn’t working. And so work becomes more stressful. My family has some money but I can’t take much comfort in that because I’m still reminded that I’m alone, just me, no support. That’s my parents money, not mine. So there’s financial vulnerability I feel all the time.

I was unwell last week and couldn’t even leave the house. Nobody was here to even get me a cup of tea or paracetamol. I feel so alone.

I don’t think I can cope again with all this. I tried to drag myself out of an awful time and managed it, only for life to come crashing down again.

I don’t think I will ever feel happy and settled and I just wish I wasn’t here a lot of the time. I’m not about to do anything silly but it’s just hard.

Has anyone else felt it’s never ending horribleness? I feel like nothing good has happened for so long

Have you thought that this 'never-ending horribleness' might be depression, hatingitallo?

When you describe all the things you've been through, it's hardly surprising your brain chemistry has become unbalanced. From personal experience, I think you should think of consulting your doctor.

You think that nothing good has happened for so long. I think that posting here is a step towards changing that, because it signals that you do want to leave all this behind and just need the right help and support to move forward.

I'm not the only one here, I'm sure, that has trodden this path and is wishing you well.

@charmingthebirds I’ve been offered anti depressants and have taken them in the past. I just feel alone all the time.

Nothing seems to make much difference. How do you become happy?

I feel like I have done everything I ever wanted. Yet never had love in my life that I crave. And you can’t force that. So life feels empty. You can’t magic romance out of nowhere.

The other side to this is to look how much you have achieved and to be super proud you have done it all alone. Set yourself some new goals and be proud of who you are. You sound very resilient.

You really need to learn to be content with yourself. A relationship would be a bonus, but it’s never a definite.
List all your negatives and try to solve them.
No one to get you food when ill, make sure you’ve got home delivery sorted.
Worried about not working, get a pension and illness insurance.
Most things are fixable, you just need to be motivated to do it.

I'm not really understanding your worries about money. 65K is a very good salary, especially for someone with no dependents. Why are you feeling financial vulnerability? I spent my twenties in genuine poverty, am now on similar money to you and it feels incredible. I can pay my rent and bills and have plenty left over to do nice things and save. Do you have debts or some other reason you feel so worried?

I know it's hard to see it that way when you're very depressed, but it doesn't seem like life itself is that bad for you. We've all had an absolutely shit couple of years. Mine also included a relationship break up, family rifts and job issues. That's just life really, isn't it? 'Terrible' would be losing family members to covid or being diagnosed with cancer, both of which happened to one of my close friends in the past six months. I'm not saying that to minimise your problems, but I just don't think it's useful to wallow in self pity. It really just gets you nowhere. Your life isn't 'crashing down', at all.

I also feel like nothing good has happened in so long, because we've been in a pandemic and things have been shit. But it won't always be this way. Have you been able to get out and about at all and meet any new people? It feels like you expect someone to waltz into your life and make you happy and that's not how it works. You can't magic romance out of nowhere, but you can build genuine connections and friendships, and sometimes they develop into more.

Thanks @OneDayInMyLife I don’t feel that’s the case but thank you

@GoodnightGrandma thanks. Didn’t think of insurance cover

Normally I sympathise with these posts but I I think you’re highly catastrophizing and woe me.

The reality is you’re on a very comfortable salary and lots of people to look after themselves when they’re ill. Also you're very lucky that you come from money and have that safety net to fall back on.

Perhaps it’s time to stop looking at the glass half empty

Sorry I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I just meant that it all feels overwhelming as it’s all on me. I want to be part of a team and I’m not.

@Hatingitallo

Sorry I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I just meant that it all feels overwhelming as it’s all on me. I want to be part of a team and I’m not.

What are you doing to work towards that, though?

Reading some of the threads on here there are many, many people who would trade places with you (but I do appreciate that that's cold comfort).

For financial security make sure you have at least six months living expenses in a readily accessible bank account. Max out your pension contributions and look at PHI before even thinking about critical illness cover.

For both financial and social purposes think about taking in a lodger. I was desperately lonely in my late 20's and 30's and having someone to chat with made a huge difference (one woman was with me for two years in London and in Dublin I had male lodgers - one for a year and the other for three years).

Also consider getting a (rescue) cat or dog. They can lift your spirits in an instant!

I echo what @Sarahlou63 says exactly: a lodger who will find me if I fall down the stairs, and a dog as my adoring team mate, make me feel far less vulnerable and alone. And No one is immune to Financial vulnerability, but if you save, budget and keep very close track you’ll be ok. Don’t catastrophise.

I agree about the lodger idea, if you have a spare room. I've had good experiences with that. Pet also a good idea if you like animals - it seems people out walking with dogs always chat to each other. You earn a good salary, but maybe you have experienced financial insecurity in the past (or your family place a lot of value on it and you've learned to be over anxious about it.) more insurance might help. It sounds like maybe you need some other stuff in your life other than work and hoping for romance. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Op, have you posted before under various usernames and tweaking the story each time?

I remember a very similar sounding thread and the man in question your ex was withholding physical intimacy as well as appearing not to be on the same page as you...

I'm sorry you're still feeling low.

Is there a way to be closer to family/siblings? Although lodgers sound like a good idea I'd be wary of putting too much emphasis on 'socialising' with them, they may not want to and are perfectly entitled not to, plus it's a very transient dynamic and it might make you feel worse. Lodgers won't care the way you want them to obviously.

It does depend on the lodger of course. I’m on my fourth and they’ve all been very sweet.

Sorry you’re feeling low. I can relate to the emptiness, though mine is for a different reason. For me, private therapy helped, as well as medication but it was a bit of trial and error and 18 months of CBT. I really believe there is always hope. My dog has also been a godsend as having to look after him means I have something else to focus on besides work. Keep going, you won’t always feel this way

Speak to your GP and follow the treatment they suggest for as long as they suggest it. Accept a prescription. If you don't get on with a particular med then go back until they find something that helps you. There are loads of things they can try. If something helps a little but you still don't feel 100% then go back as they could change the dose or try something else. Get on the list for counselling.

Have private therapy ASAP, I'm not earning but I pay for it with my PIP. It's well worth it. If you don't feel you're getting far with one therapist then try another one.

I have a severe mental health disability but I do really well, if I have any issues I just speak to my consulting team.

I'm on my own and I love it but it wasn't always that way, I've learned a lot over the years and changed,.

Start doing everything you can to help yourself- there's loads you can try.

You need to be be Team You. Just you. You need to recognise that getting your own cup of tea and paracetemol when you're poorly is a strength that shows your independence.

You need self respect. You don't get it by choosing to feel it; you get it by doing things that you respect. What do people do that you really respect? Play a musical instrument? Run marathons? Donate blood? Volunteer for charities? Make a list. Then decide which ones you want to/can start working on. Then start finding out how to take the first steps,

This project is nothing to do with finding a partner; it's about learning to do for yourself the things you wish a partner would do for you.

I would hate to have a lodger, have hated the idea after the age of about 37, I like my own space too much. Before then I used to love the idea of sharing with someone.

Support groups of any kind can be really good too, people are so friendly and you don't have to watch what you say as much as in everyday life.

TheFoundations is right- Why would you want someone around when you're poorly? I get what you mean of course, but not having to bother with other people more than you have to when ill is great. You can just veg out and do what you like, watch rubbish programmes, nap, whatever.

Maybe you should live with an annoying, moody man and then throw him out. Then you'll realize the extent of the joy of not having one around.

You could make another list- things you enjoy that don't cost a massive amount, or make the most of the money you have right now. Make a point of including something you enjoy and/or that relaxes you in your life every day.

If you take care of your mental health it sounds like you'll very rarely be out of a job as your skills are highly valued.

I get it.
That feeling of utter despair when something you thought would work out didn't. It can be devastating and I'm not surprised you're feeling low.
It is difficult to pick yourself up and to me it sounds like you're almost grieving a life you nearly had.
Ultimately, you need to get back out there and find someone else who is better matched, however you can do this, but go gently

You’ve just had a break up. It’s normal to feel bereft. It doesn’t last forever but yes it’s shit and you feel empty and alone. But bit by bit things get brighter and brighter. I’ve been as low as you describe here and I’m here now knowing whatever happens with the partner I have now that I can make it alone, and I’m great on my own, no one validates me or my life. Takes a fair bit to get to that though like all good things in life.