Help me rescue my marriage after baby?

[Number7bus]

Looking for advice about whether my DH and I should start Relate sessions or not. We have been arguing and feeling building resentment over past few weeks / months. Context is that we had our first baby in 2020 and we/I have found it hard. We have no family to support, and we haven't found childcare as all the ones round us got booked up. I have had to stay home and let my company drift in order to care for DD full time. DH also at the same time had a number of issues in his work which is quite high octane long hours, with a number of his staff leaving and him having a lot of added stress.

All in all it's meant we have been barely coping, just surviving. I'm constantly tired (our DD is a very energetic toddler now) and lonely without support. I don't have many mum friends as NCT was on zoom and we never met up.

We are really trying to sort out a part time nursery ASAP but in the meantime our marriage has suffered. We try to have maintenance sex to keep things going as we are both aware of how things can go downhill but other than that we are like two people operating in our own worlds barely surviving and not happy.

It's so sad because before our DD was born we were so happy and almost never argued, had loads of fun abs loved each other so much. We do love each other now but the joy has gone. Our DD is gorgeous and we adore her. However that's not enough to keep us together I don't think.

How do I get my marriage back On track? Is it simply a case of sorting childcare first and foremost, as right now I don't even get time to myself or time alone ever? Perhaps once I get that I might feel stronger and like my battery is a bit more full?

DH is open and communicative but whereas in the past we used to be able to talk through disagreements calmly and end on a positive, nowadays we end up arguing and I feel anger resentment - I think he does too. Not sure if it's just because we are so tired.

I used to mediate everyday before baby came and it helped me to manage myself and relationships. I haven't done it for over a year now and I'm discombobulate in myself.

What should our next step be?

I looked into Relate but it's bloody expensive and money is another area of areas right now, as I'm not working. All's we are two intelligent people we would usually be capable of working problems though calmly, though as I said we are ground down at the moment.

If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful to hear it.

Is he as invested in repairing your relationship as you are?

I could have written much of your OP - I'm a SAHP married to a medic so yes to the long stressful hours at work for him, we have no family nearby, we couldn't do NCT even pre-pandemic because none of the classes worked for his shifts, our baby/toddler/young child didn't sleep well.

How involved is your husband as a father though? I would be concerned that however much he is (or isn't) involved now will not change even if you find childcare and are able to refocus on your business - you'll just end up working AND doing everything else that you're doing at the moment.

My husband got up with ours every morning from half five for two years (I did the night wakes), he did all of the bath and story times and then tidied up or prepared dinner while I put her to bed, he spent most of his time with him when he wasn't at work so I got a break (and he wanted to spend time with him!). I appreciate he may need to work a lot to support the family (but do be aware that many men will use this as an excuse to stay late at work as it's much less hard work than coming home and parenting) but he should at the very least be able to give you half an hour every day to meditate if that's something that's very important to you. If his job genuinely leaves him with literally no time outside of work then he needs to change jobs, not least because he'll eventually burn out if he keeps going like that.

My husband is very involved with raising our DD when he isn't working. We get up at the same time every morning and he gets her up abs dressed and feeds her breakfast while I get ready. Where he can duck home for bathtime he will, though he works long hours during the week. At weekends he looks after he for half the day abs I do the other half to give each other a break, although I'm usually using my time to keep business afloat or do those kind of chores. We then spend one weekend day all together.

I think (and he says) he's invested in making our marriage good again. One of our friends recently told us they're divorcing and we were so sad, not least because they have small kids. He said how much he did not want that to happen to us and our dd.

I guess the main question for me is about what our next step should be. Is it the case that if we get some childcare such as a couple of days a week where I can do work and / or have me time, and some babysitting at the weekend when DH and I can spend a couple of hours together - would this make a significant difference? Or do we seek marriage counselling now, before we have any childcare?

Hang in there op! Things get very hard all round after having a baby and you and hubby both feel the strain and because there's nobody else you vent and take it out on each other! It sounds like you have a supportive husband who is hands on daddy but the lack of sleep,change of routines and pressure at this time of year is immense. My little bit of advise is keep trying,surprise each other sometimes,book a babysitter if you can one evening and go bowling or out for a meal......if not treat each other to a steak date night meal at home....talk through your worries as its when communication breaks down that the little problems become big ones! I mt won't be like this forever,daughter will be off to nursery/school and you will find yourself and each other again 😊

From reading your post, the issues seem to be with you. (No blame but you seem sour that your life/work has changed and his hasn't)
You need to prioritise your meditation, can you do that when your toddler is in bed?
Can you have 1 night a week going out/gym/pub when he stays in with the baby?
You need to get a nursery and get back to work. Couldn't you have gone on a waiting list when she was born? Or at least go on one now.
When you have done all of those things I think you'll be in a better place 😌
Sorry if that sounded upfront but I mean it in the nicest, most supportive way.

Yes this is all good advice, thank you.

@Russell19
When she was born we were at the height of Covid. We went into lockdown right as I'd just started telling people I was pregnant. It meant that we spent the pregnancy worrying about Covid which was very unknown at the time, and never thought about putting her name down on a waiting list. That may seem odd but honestly I was only focussed on getting through the birth alone without my husband present and everyone staying safe and well.

You are right about my identity and I think those things will really help me.

I just can't understand how you are both so tired all the time - are you much older parents?
You have a baby not a pack of wolves to look after.
I was a single mum working full time as a qualified nurse from when he was 6 weeks old and still had plenty of energy in the evenings to do things and have a lot of fun with DS.
It all sounds so completely joyless.
Are you fit and well, doing enough exercise, eating proper food?
Getting into the habit of doing an hours hard exercise everyday can really energise you, going to a karate club, running whatever.
I used to take my baby, then toddler camping, go to festivals, go abroad, all in a sling with very basic luggage and we had a great time. We'd go sea swimming, down to the pool, all kinds of things.
What are you doing during the summer? Anything interesting.
If you get into the cycle of just working, cleaning the huse, then vegging once your LO is asleep you are going to feel tired.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I just can't understand how you are both so tired all the time - are you much older parents? You have a baby not a pack of wolves to look after. I was a single mum working full time as a qualified nurse from when he was 6 weeks old and still had plenty of energy in the evenings to do things and have a lot of fun with DS. It all sounds so completely joyless. Are you fit and well, doing enough exercise, eating proper food? Getting into the habit of doing an hours hard exercise everyday can really energise you, going to a karate club, running whatever. I used to take my baby, then toddler camping, go to festivals, go abroad, all in a sling with very basic luggage and we had a great time. We'd go sea swimming, down to the pool, all kinds of things. What are you doing during the summer? Anything interesting. If you get into the cycle of just working, cleaning the huse, then vegging once your LO is asleep you are going to feel tired.

Wow @Shehasadiamondinthesky just wow. I can't work out if this is a joke response posted by a man or something? If it's not a joke then how exactly do you go through life being so unkind, insensitive, and utterly tone deaf? Do you respond to your friends like this when they reach out for help? Please re-read your reply and have a good think about how you treat other human beings. I can only assume you get some sort of sick pleasure in belittling others and minimising their concerns.

Posted too soon @Shehasadiamondinthesky

are you much older parents?
Are you actually serious?

You have a baby not a pack of wolves to look after.
A toddler, not a baby anymore, and no childcare or support.

I was a single mum working full time as a qualified nurse from when he was 6 weeks old and still had plenty of energy in the evenings to do things and have a lot of fun with DS.
Working full time. So you had full time childcare then?

It all sounds so completely joyless
No shit Sherlock. Try not to make that sound like a criticism won't you? It's the whole reason I posted.

Are you fit and well, doing enough exercise, eating proper food?
Would you like to patronise me a little bit more?

Getting into the habit of doing an hours hard exercise everyday can really energise you, going to a karate club, running whatever.
Oooh yeeeah, how stupid of me! Gee I should have signed up to karate club!!! Oh wait. I have no childcare and my husband works late... oh.

I used to take my baby, then toddler camping, go to festivals, go abroad, all in a sling with very basic luggage and we had a great time. We'd go sea swimming, down to the pool, all kinds of things.
Congratulations.

What are you doing during the summer?
You do realise it's November?

If you get into the cycle of just working, cleaning the huse, then vegging once your LO is asleep you are going to feel tired.
Riiiight. Thanks for that.

@Number7bus

Posted too soon *@Shehasadiamondinthesky*

are you much older parents?
Are you actually serious?

You have a baby not a pack of wolves to look after.
A toddler, not a baby anymore, and no childcare or support.

I was a single mum working full time as a qualified nurse from when he was 6 weeks old and still had plenty of energy in the evenings to do things and have a lot of fun with DS.
Working full time. So you had full time childcare then?

It all sounds so completely joyless
No shit Sherlock. Try not to make that sound like a criticism won't you? It's the whole reason I posted.

Are you fit and well, doing enough exercise, eating proper food?
Would you like to patronise me a little bit more?

Getting into the habit of doing an hours hard exercise everyday can really energise you, going to a karate club, running whatever.
Oooh yeeeah, how stupid of me! Gee I should have signed up to karate club!!! Oh wait. I have no childcare and my husband works late... oh.

I used to take my baby, then toddler camping, go to festivals, go abroad, all in a sling with very basic luggage and we had a great time. We'd go sea swimming, down to the pool, all kinds of things.
Congratulations.

What are you doing during the summer?
You do realise it's November?

If you get into the cycle of just working, cleaning the huse, then vegging once your LO is asleep you are going to feel tired.
Riiiight. Thanks for that.

Amazing replies OP!!!! 👏👏👏👏 And I thought my reply was blunt.... *@Shehasadiamondinthesky* makes me look like an angel

Ok there have been some interesting comments so far.
I’ll add mine.
Having a baby is like a bomb going off in your relationship, second baby is a smaller bomb and this time you’ve taken cover so recovery is a bit quicker.
The relationship part. Accept things have changed massively. Agree to put things on ice for awhile. I would also stop having maintenance sex, no sex doesn’t help a relationship but sex when neither can be bothered is worse. So if you don’t feel closer and better after having sex stop.
Get a cleaner and eat easier meals including ready meals to free time up. Definitely find some childcare. Most preschools take 2 year olds if you can’t find something sooner and you could find a baby sitter now

I’ve put most of my pre children hobbies on ice and won’t return to them for years. I am embracing new activities with children in tow and really loving it but I wasn’t until I changed my mindset.

Thanks @mayblossominapril that's really helpful. I think the bomb going off is the correct metaphor. In our case it wasn't so much as a newborn but once she could move and became a toddler.

How did you alter your mindset in that way? I'm finding it hard as my career has gone and so gave my hobbies abs social life, not to mention dates with DH, so all I am is a feeding, wiping up, tantrum easing machine.

My only tip is going to be to try and get some time just you and DH doing fun stuff like dinner, movie etc. You say you don't have support but would you consider using a national agency such as childminders (can't remember the exact name). I think you could really benefit from going out and just being adults rather than parents if that makes sense.

Long-term hopefully you can get a spot at nursery to allow you to get back to work which will hopefully balance things out a bit.

Thank you @Fashionesta

I found different things that I wanted to spend time doing and I enjoyed seeing ds enjoying activities. We spend most of our free time outside. It feels like there’s less work and there are other people to interact with. We have annual passes to the outdoor attractions near to us. Think forests, gardens and historic buildings rather than child centred places. I enjoy visiting them asdo both children but they’ve not experienced soft play etc because it’s my idea of hell.
I take food with us and used to aim for them both to nap in the car after we had spent the morning outside. I would give them lunch, strap em in and drive until they nodded off. Then sit and eat my very nice lunch and eat read or catch up on a bit of work. I would get about 90 mins.
I look on Pinterest for activities to do with what I’ve already got at home.
My career didn’t take too much of a battering with first baby but I’ve had to have a complete change due to covid. I am self employed so it’s been ok.
Once I changed a few things and the days weren’t feeling as tedious it all improved.

I can't help but feel that jumping to the conclusion you might need to go to Relate is a bit of a trigger reaction

What are the waiting lists like for childcare spaces in your area? Can't you travel a bit further to get a space?

You say you want to make your marriage "good again" but honestly every marriage changes once you have children it won't ever go back to what it was before? . I would be worried about pinning the salvation for your marriage on finding childcare - just because you won't have your toddler home a couple of days isn't going to make you less tired? I'm a working mum and work is a lot more tiring and stressful than looking after a child (depending on what your job is obviously).
If you run your own business does that get you out more/ less likely to feel lonely? Or is WFH on your own in an empty house only going to add to your sense of isolation?

Feelings of loneliness aside you just both need to settle into the new reality of parenthood - it is knackering and full on and that isn't likely to change for a few years to come

@Shehasadiamondinthesky
😂😂😂😂😂 this has got to be a wind up. If it’s not, it pains me that people with this little self-awareness exist in the world.

@Number7bus you’re not alone and this isn’t unusual/uncommon - we’ve got no childcare or help either and it’s HARD. Oddly for us, things have improved since we have made sure that on our family day we get out of the house and out on a day trip somewhere. Just being able to laugh together (even with DD in tow) and not worry about the cleaning/laundry etc has really helped. It’s definitely a process though, one which we’re not out the other side of either yet!

Hi OP

Honestly the first 2 to 2.5 yeara are just, in some ways, something to endure. And that's in normal times, you have also battled .a no childcare b. Stopping your job and c. A pandemic

So first of all give yourselves credit for getting through it and for both still being in a place where you want the marriage to work. It will get better, there will be more time for each other in the future and your child will be in a place where they entertain themselves a bit more or play with friends etc.

Firstly does your toddler go to bed ok and sleep ok? If not then I'd focus on sorting this out first, having your evenings free and not being completely knackered makes a huge difference, to everything.

I I til 20 months and I felt like my body was not my own and really tied to the toddler and stopping helped these feelings a bit.

Secondly I'd ring around all nurseries and childminders in your area and check you're still on waiting lists and that nothing has changed around availability. Would you be able to employ a nanny even if part time or a childcare student in training or get an au pair for a while or something, anything, to break the cycle you are in?

You dont have to go out to spend quality time together. I know it's hard when you are knackered and busy but sometimes turning the tv off, doing whatever makes you feel good and having a bit of a pamper, getting some nice food in and having a drink and a chat can make you feel better.

I also think you both feel better if you've both got hobbies that you do, as its something outside work / parenting so if you can both carve out a couple of hours one evening each a week, it really helps how you relate to each other if you have a bit of a break.

Also I found with me and my husband, we got into a cycle of distance as I need emotional closeness for physical and he needs physical closeness for emotional connection. It wasn't great for a while and we had to really work at getting out the cycle we had got ourselves in. It was a fake it til you make it situation- we both had to really bite our tongue to stop snapping at each other through stress / tiredness and to not react badly to any criticism and to not have any 'who is more tired / busy' type arguments. We also had to force ourselves to act like a couple again - we found the roles of mum and dad had become so consuming that the roles of partners had got a bit forgotten. Just silly things like a snuggle on the sofa or holding hands on a walk felt a bit alien for a while but again I kind of forced myself to do it and now it feels completely normal again.

And contrary to a pp I did find me going back to work helped our relationship again. I felt much more like my old self, like I was good at something, I had more confidence, we had more stuff to talk about, and my husband said(afterwards) he felt less pressure as wasnt the sole earner any more

I used to mediate everyday before baby came and it helped me to manage myself and relationships. I haven't done it for over a year now and I'm discombobulate in myself.

@Number7bus I know it's easy to say but make a point of doing this again if it helped you- do whatever you need to do to make it happen. Your husband could have charge of the LO for 30 mins, an hour or whatever you need. Or do it before bed.

And/or you could make a point of doing something you enjoy each day- write a list of things you like doing if you need to remind yourself of options.

I don't have kids but from all I've heard the first few years can be pretty full on. You only have to hang on in there and eventually you come out the other side- especially if you can get childcare organized. But if the husband isn't present enough then it make the mother rightly resentful and that can last.

What's the rest of your marriage like?

I could get the childcare first if money is tight, as without it you can't see what you really have to work on in couples therapy, because you don't know what's just caused by knackeredness, overwork etc. Unless you have some ideas of what you need to do in therapy?

It sounds like your husband has a work/life balance that he might be able to somehow improve so he has more time to give to family life.

Do either of you see any friends to let off steam? You could think if there are any friends you haven't seen for a while that you can get in touch with.

If you know anyone's contact details from the NCT group you could contact them- or see if there are other online or IRL groups you could go to to meet people.

I know it's not something that feels easy or you wouldve done it by now.

But these are the sort of things I thought of. x

Hmm, it certainly is a tough time. Me and DH almost divorced when the kids were small. No sleep, relentless parenting, no support etc. It's really, REALLY hard.

I'd make getting chidcare a priority. And definitely make time for yourself at the weekend.... You need to get out of the house.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky this has GOT to be a wind up hahahaha.

OP, you sound like you've got great self awareness and it's good that both your husband and you have acknowledged the strain in your relationship. I have a 14mo and despite having family nearby, it's still been bloody tough. I do think things will get easier for you once childcare is available- you will have some time to fill your own cup finally, and then look at getting back on track with DH. It really is tough and very normal for relationships to be tested once there's a baby in the picture, but it can definitely be worked through :)

Thank you for these helpful posts. I think the idea of each of us trying to do an activity for ourselves one evening a week is a good one. Also the suggestion about holding hands and snuggling on the sofa as that is happening less abs less sadly. I am pulling out all the stops to try and get some part time childcare sorted ASAP and also a babysitter for the odd weekend date. I also think I might have a bit of depression. I understand that post-partum depression can be delayed till now. Whatever - it's just a label, but it's how I feel.