Hi all,
Sorry in advance as this all sounds a bit pathetic and is very long but I'm just at a bit of a loss.
I told my husband I no longer wanted to be his wife around 3 months ago after finding marijuana in his bag. We had first discussed that I was unhappy in the marriage about 18 months before so this was a final straw moment.
I knew he'd previously smoked marijuana regularly but we discussed this before ttc and he'd agreed he wouldn't do this when we had children. I made it clear before we started trying that I did not want to co-parent with someone who was dependant on any substance to function. I'd smelled it on him one time he came back from putting out the bins when our child was a few weeks old in 2018 (she's now 3). He said it was a slip and it would never happen again.
In 2020 he had a really difficult year including family illness, being diagnosed with ADHD and starting medication, moving house and an incident with the house. I knew he was really struggling and he said he felt like he was going to have a breakdown before I found the marijuana. He'd also said he thought he needed his medication reduced.
Anyway I'd initially thought the marijuana was in response to a period of great distress but during subsequent conversations he admitted he'd done this throughout the past 3 years (including before an interview which he was not remorseful about and has left me massively concerned about his judgement).
In the few weeks that followed he refused to leave the house (or take up my offer to move out) and made a number of suicide threats if I wouldn't let him live with his daughter. He produced a 3-page plan about the benefits of him living in the garage and generally it was a time of huge stress and trauma. He eventually left the house after I took our daughter to my mother's to stay.
He subsequently has started undergoing further assessment as he believes he has asd.
Basically in the past few months he's now been pushing the boundaries and wanting the three of us to spend time together, asking questions repeatedly via text if he doesn't get an answer he likes and has recently said I'm gaslighting him by omission because I'm not giving full answers to his questions.
He is the classic nice guy and that's how everyone would describe him. I've always felt that im the 'bad guy' who nagged him and upset him as he was sensitive.
Now he's been trying to push me into all three to us doing things together, trying to get in my car by saying in front of the wee one "is there a reason I can't get in the car?" and sending lengthy texts that have numbered sections which leave me exhausted and confused.
I just dont want to have to speak to him anymore (that sounds so immature - my head is just a mess having to deal with him) and I'm wondering what my options are. Can anyone advise whether they think it would be unfair/unreasonable to say to him I only want to text about contact drop off arrangements? Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? Good tips/practical phrases to use when someone is repeatedly asking a question you don't want to answer?
I'm just at my wits end and not sure whether I'm being unreasonable or just pathetic by not deciding on my boundaries and being clear about them.
Thanks.