Being pushed away by husbands relationship with daughter

[Hailly]

I feel awful about how I feel towards my step daughter when she's around. My husband has three kids and i have two. His older children are lovely and get on really well with them, his youngest (around the same age as mine) is treated very differently by him. She is a nice girl most of the time, it's more about how he is with her. He has made it very clear to me that she is more important and it's clear that her feelings are considered more than mine. He hasn't said it in a while but he used to say that if she didn't feel welcome in my home that he would leave. One time this comment come after a conversation about her having nits for the 100th time that month, I wasn't happy because my daughter had very long think hair and an absolute nightmare to treat. But because my reaction upset her it promped him to say what he did. I have never not made her feel welcome and always made an effort to include her. He's very strict with my children (thankfully, they don't always see it that way). He gets at them all the time for not doing things, thats my job haha. I know this is supporting me because they are very forgetful and need constant reminding to do the same simplest job everyday....anyway. I just feel this has got worse and he has stopped having fun with them. He fuses over her when shes here, offers her food, drink, sweets which is fine, but he doesn't offer my two who are sat right there. He doesn't tell her off for the same things he would tell my two off for. She's rude to my children and speaks down to them often and he never pulls her up on it. I have made comments here and there but he is very defensive over her and it courses arguments. He also insists that we do things like activities and days out when shes here, even if we can't afford it. But he shows little to no interest in doing things with me and mine when shes not here. On the odd occasion where we have played a board game or something hes not as engaged. I used to have routines for my children before he moved in like strict bed time and no treats in the week (mainly because they were getting greedy). But this didnt apply to her when she was here and of course my children questioned the special treatment, so i gave in and I kick myself for it. Recently i have started a new job which means the only days off we have together now falls on a weekend which means we always share them with the kids. I love the time with the kids but when we go on days out or simply to the shops she is constantly attached to him and makes me not want to hold his hand anymore. He doesn't encourage her to go and look around and explore. Is it bad that I want his attention and want him to hold just my hand sometimes? I understand that he feels bad that he and his ex split when she was very little and wants to spoiler her when he sees her but he can't see that it's wrong and what it's doing to us. I've been feeling really down about this for a while now and don't know how to approach him about this without it errupting. I'm important too!

He sounds awful, and you sound like your minimising for him. It's not fair to bring kids up in an environment like that, they'll notice theyre treated differently. You need to leave for their sake.

@whistleryukon

Wake up and stop prioritising a relationship over the well-being of your children. I feel sick when I read these sort of posts. The cumulative impact of growing up in a home like this is massive for children and will shape the way they see themselves and the world around them, what choices they make in their future, everything. You're an insipid passenger on this journey, watching your own children be used as props for this man to demonstrate to his child how insignificant they are compared to her. Wake UP.

This! 100%. Wake up.

I was wondering what it is that most annoys you. I think it's absolutely normal that he puts his daughter first. I assume that any parent or mother would do that ahead of their partner, so I am not sure that this is at all unusual.

It's also not that strange that he treat your kids differently. By the sounds of it he lives with them. That is very different from seeing a kid on the weekends or p/t. In a way, he will have a more involved relationship with yours than he does with his daughter just because of our set up. In turn, this might mean that he is a bit stricter with them. He probably would be with his daughter as well if he'd actually live with her but he doesn't.

However, both your DH and his daughter absolutely shouldn't be rude to you or your kids when she's over. That's out of order and something that you should be able to talk to him about. and hopefully change.

He sounds really unkind and unpleasant. Not offering food to your children but letting his eat in front of them?

Agree it's time to prioritise your own children above a relationship. He's not worth it.

So because of his spoiling his daughter, the whole regular routine in your house with your dcs has been discarded?

And he doesn't even offer your dcs treats or sweets when he offers his daughter?

That's just rude.

Why are you putting up with it?

Re-establish your parenting routines. Don't let him take the piss because threats what he's doing and you're letting him.

He's creating a spoiled child who will grow up to be a spoiled adult. Meanwhile your dcs will learn to accept second best treatment.

That's not threats.

Sorry, only got half way down your post before I was screaming ‘kick him out’.
Really, just end it.

OP, there is a huge power imbalance here. Your H and SD are up on a pedestal and their wants/needs reign supreme. It is appalling that you and your DC are so devalued and disrespected in your own home. Where is your anger for them?

H is too strict with your DC and “gets at them all the time,” but doesn’t say a word when SD does the same thing. They both feel entitled to humiliate your two with no consequences, while you are not allowed to call out SD on anything or set any boundaries for her. H has also withdrawn his ‘fun,’ bonding energy from DC and now channels it all to SD. Your children see and feel all of this unfairness.

Your running behind H to offer DC snacks does not make up for his intentionally blanking them, thereby showing all the children that only SD is worthy and DC are Less Than in his eyes. I highly doubt that he treats his friends and relatives with such disdain. He would surely go nuclear if you excluded SD in this manner.

You are foolish if you believe H’s contemptuous treatment of your children isn’t affecting their self-esteem and view of relationships. This kind of damage will have far-reaching ramifications. It is mind-boggling that you are subjecting them to this horrid man.

* He hasn't said it in a while but he used to say that if she didn't feel welcome in my home that he would leave.*

Agreed

This.

I don't think you are really grasping how damaging this will be to your children. Put yourself in their shoes and think how it feels to be them.

It's going to take a lot of honest conversation and probably a half decent family therapist to navigate this successfully. You seem scared to broach it with him. Why is that?

He sounds absolutely awful OP.

And this.

Why would a man like him bother to make sure that he treated all kids respectfully and the same, when their own mother doesn't feel it's important but is MY MAN COMES FIRST AT ALL COST?

Men like that see clearly that the woman is more desperate for a relationship than to ensure her children feel valued.

I cannot imagine tolerating even ONCE him doing the food thing yet it has been a regular occurrence in the house.

Your children are going to judge you very harshly and you will 100% deserve it.

I feel so sorry for children that are reared in an environment where they are clearly made to feel less valued as their mother stands by and allows it to happen.

So damaging for them.
Poor kids.

Sorry no words of support or that I think you should work on it. Seriously this is so wrong for your children. Let him go and live with his spoilt little princess and carry on prioritising her above everything else in his life, and prioritize your own children by getting this toxic pair out of their lives. Nothing is worth the long term ramage this sort of negative shaping will do to your kids when they are older if you don't stop it now.

How dare he treat you and your dc like this in your own home !!
Why are you putting up with it ? Why are you not angry?
Your children will be taking note for sure. You’re prioritising a man over them.
He at least is doing the right thing in prioritising his daughter over you but he should be treating your dc the same.

Op

You are totally and utterly failing your own children
Think of it like that and surely that will galvanise you to take action. Today

I know it may not be what you want to hear and you've had some really harsh replies, but you have to prioritize your own kids. He is doing exactly that himself anyway. I think he told you from the start how this was going to pan out with the comment he made about how he wouldn't be staying if his little princess didn't feel comfortable. Well as a result now your children don't feel comfortable. Just calling him out on that simply isn't enough. It shouldn't be happening to them In the first place. You won't see it now but this is going to be so damaging for your kids. They are going to grow up feeling less important and with lower expectations of how they allow themselves to be treated by other people. You can stop all that now by making a sacrifice. They are more important than being with a man who allows a child to control his relationship and be rude and disrespectful to her hosts.

This sounds a lot like my DP and his youngest, even down to the constant nits. He’d literally be sitting there picking them off her head and I wasn’t allowed to say anything or it would be me “making her feel unwelcome”.

If we took the kids out and gave them a limit - eg you all have £10 to spend in the gift shop - mine would spend ages choosing and making sure they kept within the £10 and he would just get her whatever she wanted. Or if they all chose a pack of sweets she’d get a £5 magazine. It got to a point where I’d just say “oh DP is buying magazines if anyone would rather have one of them instead” but honestly it’s the main reason we don’t live together after nearly 10 years together, as even now they’re all teens, I couldn’t bear the favouritism and adoration.

I mean I love my kids, but his eyes just lit up when this kid walked in a room. The one I felt most sorry for was his other daughter, who was also desperate for attention but was closer to her mum. When we’d go out for dinner they’d both fight to sit next to him or on his lap etc and then spend the entire time monopolising his attention and he didn’t understand why I wasn’t that fussed about going out with us all together, but it really was just him & his, me & mine, like two totally separate families.

One time when I thought I’d really make an effort and take everyone out for a big trip to London I barely got to speak to him all day as they both held his hands and sat next to him the whole time. At one point he reached behind one of them to touch my shoulder and she turned round and licked his arm. Just total territorial marking!

These days I only choose to spend time with him when his DC are with their mum. It doesn’t stop them calling him for no reason when he’s here “Dad where are you, what are we having for dinner? I need some money. I’m bored etc” when their mum is supposed to be looking after them. One night we were out for our anniversary dinner and he had 14 missed calls from his DD as she’d just keep ringing and ringing until he picked up. But I know that’s on him for not having any boundaries. It used to piss me off that they just called for no reason every time we were out. And he would get annoyed by it as it made him feel guilty for being out, but I wasn’t allowed to be annoyed by it.

Things have improved somewhat as they’ve grown up. They have friends and boyfriends now so aren’t so dependent on him for their entertainment.

The sad thing is even as adults I can see that they will continue to impact my life more than my own kids. We talked about moving in together when they’re all older and his first thought on it is “I want my kids to feel welcome whenever they want to come round, I want it to be their home too”. We have 5 kids between us - if they’re all welcome all the bloody time, with their partners and kids of their own, I’m moving out He said “I’m sure if your DS wanted to pop in for a cup of tea on the way home from work you’d be delighted”. Yes once a week. If he does it every day I’ll be telling him to get a life

@RaisedByPangolins Why would you allow someone to behave like that towards your kids? So, they’ve had 10 years of his blatant unfairness (the shop thing is just awful), because…why?

No they had a couple of incidents of it and then I put a stop to it because I could see it was unfair on them. When he’s here he’s lovely and generous to my kids (he bought a Nintendo switch for my DS’s birthday a few weeks ago) so he certainly doesn’t treat them poorly. It was just that in comparison to his own (younger) DD everyone else faded away. Without her present everyone here is treated more fairly, me included, so as long as we keep things separate it works well for us. I understand his reasons for being overly generous and the favouritism etc as she was poorly as a baby and then he split with their mum when she was 3 so he feels he has a lot of making up to do for her sad start in life. However it doesn’t make it any easier to live with in the moment. So my way to deal with it is not to blend our families, but to have two distinct families so that he can be 100% present for them when he’s with them and can be more attentive to me and mine when he’s here.

@billy1966

Why would a man like him bother to make sure that he treated all kids respectfully and the same, when their own mother doesn't feel it's important but is MY MAN COMES FIRST AT ALL COST?

Men like that see clearly that the woman is more desperate for a relationship than to ensure her children feel valued.

I cannot imagine tolerating even ONCE him doing the food thing yet it has been a regular occurrence in the house.

Your children are going to judge you very harshly and you will 100% deserve it.

I feel so sorry for children that are reared in an environment where they are clearly made to feel less valued as their mother stands by and allows it to happen.

So damaging for them.
Poor kids.

This!!! with bells on!!!

So damaging to your own children OP, read back what you have written about what they have to put up with. That should be your priority, not being jealous of your partner's daughter and the amount of attention she gets off him rather than you.

I am sorry he doesn't sound like a good match for you. You deserve someone who cherishes you. He's making you feel horrible in your own home. Love is not a competition. He doesn't need to choose between you two.

@RaisedByPangolins
How can you be with someone like that? If nothing else, the favouritism over his other biological child is pretty sickening

@Hailly

I do need to say that my children are happy and nothing seems to bother them, I just want it to stay that way. It's more about how I see and feel things

Christ this makes me so angry. Your poor children - they are utterly helpless and they are having to 'manage' their stepdad and act like it is all normal. I bet they are 'managing' you as well, desperate not to upset you.

How have you let this happen? How can you not understand what it is like for them?

WHY are you letting your husband discipline them and treat them like this? Your children are more important than you 'needing attention'.

Step up and be a proper mother.