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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tolerating/dealing with a draining, 'cling on' ex partner when co parenting

15 replies

cool4cats2020 · 10/11/2021 16:00

Split up with my ex 6 years ago. Relationship was particularly difficult as ex never pulled their weight and created constant drama, which I found it emotionally and financially draining. We share 3 children, now aged 8 to 12, who live with me, but stay with ex every other weekend.

Since splitting up ex has continued the drama, taking many forms - threats, emotional blackmail, self harming (numerous overdoses, apparent suicide attempts), getting into constant scrapes/arguments with others, toxic relationships (new partners), financial issues - debt collectors, evictions etc.

But I'm always the person that ends up getting leaned upon when thy have problems. This is despite ex getting into a new relationship several years ago (where they got married within 2 months of first meeting each other!).

When they got married I was relieved - finally someone else to take over as emotional and financial crutch. But no, new partner isn't any better themselves - social services have been involved, and described their relationship as a 'toxic co dependency'. So instead of the new partner making my life easier, it's been worse - I've ended up being support to both of them!

Every time, I've started dating, ex has been really difficult and nasty when they've found out - despite apparently moving on, having many one night stands, inappropriate relationships and now this marriage. I've been in a loving, stable relationship with someone for a couple of years now, an my ex is still exceptionally bitter about it.

Ex has never paid a penny of child maintenance (and I've never bothered asking/demanding/going through CMS as their financial position means they'd never have enough to pay, and it'd be a trivial amount anyway).

Most frustrating though, is that ex keeps asking to 'borrow money' from me as they're always broke (neither of them work/manage to hold down a job). Benefits never seem to be enough to survive on. Having said that, even when they did have plenty of money coming in (benefits), they were still getting into debt. It's usually when their contact weekend with the kids is coming up: "we've not got any money for food, so you'll have to lend us some or else we can't have the kids". Muggins here usually ends up sending money over (usually way in excess of what it should cost to feed the kids for 48 hours). As you can imagine they almost never repay me anything. But the alternative would be to not let my kids have their regular contact, and that risks making me the 'bad guy' in their eyes. I want them to have a meaningful relationship with both parents, and do need a bit of child free time for my own sanity.

I even bought them a car at one point as they were stranded, living in a rural area (just a cheap runabout so they could transport the kids safely). It would have helped me too - not having to do all the driving back and forth to enable contact. Couple of weeks later they changed their minds, said they didn't want it any more and sold it, spending the money after promising to repay it to me.

I'm thoroughly fed up of it all now, I thought separating would free me from all the drama and draining support needs. But no, now I'm a single parent supporting an ex who behaves like a delinquent teenager half the time.

I guess I've been a bit of a walkover, and if it wasn't for having kids between us I certainly wouldn't have put up with all this - would've ended our relationship sooner, and gone NC.

OP posts:
Motherlandismylife · 10/11/2021 16:09

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Double3xposure · 10/11/2021 16:19

Just step back. Stop being a support person. Stop discussing your love life with them.

Stop buying them cars.

Stop lending money for food. If they say they have none, go to the supermarket and drop off a bag of groceries with the children.

There’s a happy medium between being involved in every details of each other’s lives and going NC.

How old are your children and what do they make of the new partner and all the drama ? Why are social services involved ?

pinkblood · 10/11/2021 16:24

In the nicest possible way it's your own doing OP. Why are you helping them out. Would your kids even miss not seeing their dad if you didn't facilitate it?

dataqueen · 10/11/2021 16:31

Stop being a mug op.

Send the kids with a bag of Tesco shopping sufficient for the kids to be fed for their visit. But nothing else.

Why on earth would you lend them money or buy them a car?!?!

coffeeisthebest · 10/11/2021 17:03

Have you looked at your own codependency? You chose to marry this peach of a man and have children with him so you can't be that surprised by his behaviour now. Why are you continually letting him back in? Your children don't need to be part of the games you play with him, you won't be 'the bad guy' if you are as age appropriately honest as you can be with them. He sounds like an absolute tool. Let him live his own life and take a massive step back. You left him physically once, do it emotionally this time.

Cherrysoup · 10/11/2021 19:01

Just stop, this is ridiculous! If they have no food to feed the dc, then tell the dc that and let them stay at home. Stop lending them money, you don’t even get cms! Sorry, OP, you’re being a doormat and an enabler. Time to stop and tell them to stand on their own two feet.

Glassofshloer · 10/11/2021 19:04

There is no alternative but to step back. You can’t change him and he is taking the piss out of you. I admire that you’ve tolerated him for the sake of your children, but you certainly shouldn’t be giving him money. At a push I would’ve sent the kids with a cool bag with food in, just a few bits from the kitchen, but no way would I hand over money.

NoPrivateSpy · 10/11/2021 21:39

OP, no offence but your post reads like a joke.

You are not helping your children by enabling their father's uselessness. All you are doing is setting them up for many years of disappointment when they realise their father can't do anything for them. Soon it'll be then lending him money or sorting him out when he fucks up again.

Stop.

Tallisimo · 10/11/2021 21:59

OP, you have created a rod for your own back through your kindness. You need to just stop. Stop giving them money. Stop buying stuff (I can’t believe you actually bought them a car 😱). Stop being there for them. Step back. Start saying no. Don’t offer any help or support. You need to properly extricate yourself from this mess.

Only you can change things - not by changing your ex or his partner(s) but by changing the way you respond. Start now!

Rhioplepog · 10/11/2021 22:21

You should have therapy for yourself

The way you have allowed this person to treat you and the way you have continued to let him into your life is insane

You owe him nothing, maybe try to find out what has compelled you to be like this with him? Have you been like this with other people? Have you got any unresolved issues of your own?

When I read your post it reminded me of how I let one of my family members treat me for years

I went to therapy and discovered that allowing yourself to be victimised like this (or constantly be someone’s rescuer) is a form of codependency in itself.

You need to put yourself first and let him be , I know he is your kids dad, but in time they will see that his problems are of his own makings and not yours.

NoPrivateSpy · 11/11/2021 14:16

Also really confused about why you're not angry? You are being taken for an absolute fool but first your ex and now his partner and all you say is that you are 'fed up'?

I don't think your reactions to this situation are healthy. You need to get angry, agree some boundaries and start focusing on valuing yourself.

cool4cats2020 · 11/11/2021 19:18

Let me try and catch up with some of your replies:

Just step back. Stop being a support person. Stop discussing your love life with them.
I have stepped back, I don't offer support, and try to brush them off when they come begging. I don't discuss my love life with them. In the past my ex has asked probing questions and when I respond that it's none of their business they jump to a conclusion (almost as if we're still together and I'm cheating on them). Obviously they know I'm in an established relationship with my current partner.

Stop buying them cars.
How old are your children and what do they make of the new partner and all the drama ? Why are social services involved ?

TBF, I bought ex the car when the kids were resident with her (we did shared care, with me 3 nights a week). She was driving them round in a death trap and it's mot expired. She was broke so I bought a replacement car with the agreement that it was an advance of child maintenance. Literally a week later social services jumped in and insisted that I took full immediate time care of the children. We agreed ex could keep the car, primarily to facilitate supervised contact with the kids.

The children are now aged between 8 and 12. I've sheltered them from most of my ex's behaviour. Ex is a bit of a lovable rogue kind of character. Very good at selling a sob story, when things turn bad, and all the drama is never her fault, always the victim. Unfortunately the kids often buy that, and give her sympathy. They're so used to her drama that to a certain extent they've normalised it. And they refer consider ex's new partner as a third parent, so another potential toxic parental child bond.

For a while social services believed her sob stories too, and even designated our eldest as 'young carer' to assist her. Eventually they realised that her health conditions and subsequent child neglect were actually hangovers.

My eldest has passed comment about going back to live with my ex when she's old enough to. The child arrangements order is backed up by a thorough SS report that is very critical of my ex, I can't imagine that being overturned before they're adults. But for some reason they recommended ex has unsupervised contact every other weekend.

Stop lending money for food. If they say they have none, go to the supermarket and drop off a bag of groceries with the children.
I have done that on occasions, but she doesn't usually tell me she has no food/money until I'm on her doorstep to drop them off. Also, it still relies on ex actually preparing/cooking what I provide, and I know she'll turn it around into me attempting to control her.

In the nicest possible way it's your own doing OP. Why are you helping them out. Would your kids even miss not seeing their dad if you didn't facilitate it?
Yes, the kids would definitely miss seeing my ex, and I want them to have a meaningful relationship if at all possible. And I'd be breaching the court order if I prevent contact.

Have you looked at your own codependency? You chose to marry this peach of a man and have children with him so you can't be that surprised by his behaviour now. Why are you continually letting him back in?
I'm not letting my ex back in, I keep her at arms length. We weren't married (bulled dodged there thankfully), and we probably shouldn't have had children together, but things weren't so bad early on in the relationship. I don't think it's a codependency, and I'm not playing games. Just trying to stop my kids witnessing/being exposed to my ex self destruct. Yes, I did play the rescuer role during our relationship, and subsequently whilst the kids were residing with my ex, but that's mostly changed since I became primary carer three years ago.

Soon it'll be then lending him money or sorting him out when he fucks up again.
Yes, you're right, our eldest has already lent ex money on a few occasions. Sometimes it gets repaid, sometimes not. But our 12yo is pretty sensible, and I don't want to have to resort to restricting her access to her own bank account. That'll drive her away and play into my ex's narrative of me being controlling.

Also really confused about why you're not angry?
It does piss me off, but getting angry isn't going to cure the issue. I need to put on a calm and positive front, as the kids need that stability.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 11/11/2021 19:18

This is a farce of your own choosing. Simply stop it.

me4real · 11/11/2021 20:06

Don't do any of it. Anything you give them like the car etc they'll just flog for money for drugs/alcohol/fags or whatever it is.

If you turn up and they say they need money for food, go down the nearest shop and get some food. Don't worry about them not cooking it properly or whatever- if you give them money it's even less likely that it'll be used for anything useful for the kids.

I suspect it'd be better for the kids if they have nothing to do with your ex, you could take it back to court and mention all the stuff that's gone on.

Definitely don't have more to do with them than you hhave to- if they threaten death then just call an ambulance etc, or any MH services they're under and get them to call round.

Just don't listen to any of it, don't entertain it.

I need to put on a calm and positive front, as the kids need that stability.

Calm doesn't mean you can't alo be firrm/assertive. It'll be good for the kids to see someone telling someone when a behaviour is unacceptable/should be ignored.

NoPrivateSpy · 11/11/2021 23:17

Sometimes when you are so deep in a situation, it seems impossible to see it for what it really is.

Your ex is not your responsibility anymore. You can not hide their deficiencies from your children. You are not cruel to establish clear expectations and boundaries.

If your ex thrives on drama, they will never stop creating it so you need to find some way to disengage and help your children cope with it.

Sounds so hard, OP. Good luck.

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