What do you do if you have no one?

[LosingTheWill2]

I’m having a bad few days, so please bear with me!

When restrictions were lifting after lockdown, everyone was making plans to meet up with their nearest and dearest. I wasn’t on anyone’s list and it made me realise how alone I am. I was devastated and still suffering now.

Family: my mum moved me and my two siblings to the Uk when I was 8. She was divorced and pregnant by another man, and we were to live with the father of this baby (very much frowned upon in my home country). He turned out to be a lazy waste of space and my mum ended up a single mum of 4, she turned to drink snd had a string of boyfriends who she always prioritised over us. We have a very large family back ‘home’, my mum made no effort to create any kind of support network here. I’ve never forgiven her.
I’m 43, 17 years ago she moved back with my siblings. We have been NC for 3 years.

Friends; my lack of family rarely bothered me because I have a small group of 3 close friends. Before lockdown we did loads together, talking on the phone and meeting up regularly. Our kids are all similar ages and we have been on holidays together, each other’s bridesmaids, been to their extended family’s get togethers. I felt supported and loved, like sisters. During lockdown we spoke and zoomed most days and took turns to host zoom quizzes and kept each other together, mentally.

I did doorstep drops of birthday presents for them and their kids.
When restrictions lifted, they made plans to meet with their loved ones, I 100% understand. But not one person contacted me to make plans to see me!
I mentioned to one of my friends that I would be at an English heritage property and she suggested coming to meet me (this wasn’t an organised meeting for us, just that she would meet me there as I was already going to be at a place near her house). She got upset and hung up on me when I told her I would prefer it if she didn’t bring her 13yo who had tested covid positive the day before! Our friendship hasn’t recovered. She had a bbq for family and friends last summer, I went and she was lovely, but we haven’t communicated since.

Relationship: I’ve been married for 21 years, separated for 5 years. We have two kids and coparent well. I’ve always loved him, but I actually think that it wasn’t really love, more like trauma bonding. He had an abusive childhood and has no friends or family either, so we stayed close as we only had each other. Not a good foundation for a relationship. I realised recently that in all those years, he has never taken me out! We’ve been out, but I’ve always suggested, organised and paid for it!!! Why it took me 21 years to realise I will never know. I’m filing for divorce in the new year.
I’m not interested in finding someone new until I sort myself out first.

I am so lonely. I am self employed and work from home. I have forged some working relationships with others who work locally in my field, some I would consider friends.

I am so lonely. I’m friendly, smiley and generally outgoing, so I hide it well. It’s hard when everyone I know has family and I have no one. And it has got to the point that I don’t want to meet up with people or go on social media because I can’t bear it!

I have two kids, who I love dearly, and the thought that they will be as lonely as me when they grow up, is killing me.

Thank You for reading. Any advice would be welcome

Hi @LosingTheWill2 sorry you're feeling so low, it's not surprising given everything you've been through.
I don't have an easy answer, for me, doing courses, getting involved in the local community and active keeping up with friends help. Plus having dogs.
Just wanted to let you know you're not on your own with it, lots of people prioritise blood relatives over friends and it's hard.

You poor thing. I have no real advice, but hopefully other posters will. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

Join some clubs or take courses- sports, gym, craft, language, art, dancing, photography, amateur dramatics. Volunteer in stuff you're interested in - animal and environmental activism, charities, kids clubs, school PTAs.

Marry up what you are interested in with socialising. You'll meet like minded people there and see them often therefore will be more likely to form a bond and start friendships.

OP I can totally relate to your post. I come from a big family, no rifts, but I'm the only one who lives in the UK so no one at 'reaching out' distance and when you feel low the last thing you want to do is worry family who live too far away to do anything about it. I have one son (20) who lives with me (albeit silently and sullenly) and I have a handful of close friends. But when everyone is doing 'couply' or 'family' things I feel really lonely so I empathise and wanted to let you know that you're not alone .

I don't have advice but whenever possible I try to get out to social events through Meetup where there is the opportunity to widen my circle. Have you tried something of interest to you?

Thank you all for replying. I am very active in my community and have a dog, he’s been a life line in getting me out and meeting other dog walkers. I think it’s just hard at this time of year with the short days and everyone starting to make plans for Christmas.
My kids have time consuming hobbies, but I am going to start making time for myself and join something local

I joined some Meetup groups - the whole point of these events is to do things that you don't already have a group of friends to go do them with.

You need to be more proactive, you seem very passive in your own life
I know someone who went from relatively few friends to loads of friends and lots of good ones too. They were so proactive- took up tennis (which is incredibly social) organizes tons of stuff and never turns down an invite
I was out with her a few weeks ago and her phone never stopped beeping. You can't wait for someone to invite you, you invite them. Be the person people want at a party. It is not that hard, be friendly, polite and laugh in the right places.
A lot of people are in your position so try and weed out like minded souls. It won't work with everyone but if you put a bit of effort in I guarantee you , your social will look v v different in a years time.

I hear you OP. I have no family either and like you see my close friends as sisters. But I'm well aware that they're not really (they have their own sisters who i know would come first) I have DC, now adults, who are great, but I'm painfully aware of how tiny my group of people is. I'm afraid I don't really have a solution other than to take all opportunities you can to make and develop friendships. Accept that if friends have families they're probably not going to see you in the light you see them, but they can enrich you nonetheless. And in time your DC will likely have partners and maybe their own DC to extend your family a little.

OP my heart goes out to you. You sound so brave. I am glad you have a dog, as I know how that enables social interactions on a daily basis, but obviously you need more than that.

Do you have a faith you could practise? I go to church (not pushing it on you I promise!) and love seeing my friends of all ages and colours there every Sunday.

Or a sport or hobby? Have a look at nextdoor.co.uk if you have it in your area - it seems to be a good place where people organise things.

And volunteering would make a massive difference - I did a year of volulnteering when I was between jobs and I loved every minute of it. It really surprised me as I didn't think I would. For example there might be a Good Neighbours scheme near you - you could ask for suggestions on Next Door maybe.

Best of luck OP. And I'm sure your children won't be the same - you are just in a particularly tricky situation.

Have you invited your old group of friends to do things? Lunches, dinners, days out?

Or do you tend to wait for them?

She had a bbq for family and friends last summer, I went and she was lovely, but we haven’t communicated since.
Who made contact last?

When restrictions lifted, they made plans to meet with their loved ones, I 100% understand. But not one person contacted me to make plans to see me!
But restrictions have been lifted quite a while now - and have you reached out to them?

I'd probably give your friends another shot, it's been tough times all round.

Hi all,

To make things easier for this post, I will refer to my friends as 1 (bbq friend), 2 and 3.

I saw friend 1 at friend 2’s birthday party last month. We sat together and had a chat. It wasn’t our usual easy going conversation but, on reflection, I put that down to me still being hurt about what happened.
I miss her dearly.

I understand that everyone has had a tough time. And they’ve probably had stuff going on that I’m not aware of, and I can’t blame them for not being there for me, if they don’t know how I feel.

I did reach out to friend 3 today. I couldn’t go into detail with her because I was working, but we have made plans to meet up soon and I will tell her everything.

Friend 2 did invite me to hers for bonfire night, unfortunately I couldn’t go, but I will call her and arrange to see her soon.

I think I will message friend 1 soon and just explain how much I miss her. I won’t go into the covid issue we had. I know that she has spoken to friend 2 about it, and admitted to friend 2 that she overreacted. Because of this admittance I was expecting an apology, but I’m not the type to hold a grudge. I don’t believe in cutting off my nose to spite my face, and I don’t mind offering an olive branch if it gets us back to being good friends.

I am a member of a Facebook group that was set up just before lockdown to support women locally to find friends and a social circle. I think I will reach out and see if any of them would like to meet up for dog walks or something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Thank you all for your words of support. I know that I can’t fabricate a ‘family’, but I know how important friends and a strong support network are 💐