Did the person you love come back after an ultimatum?

[ThanksForSaly]

Basically what the title says.

Me and DP broke up recently as he was just not giving enough to the relationship. Basic things that he knew, I believe, on one level, were unfair on me and not helping with moving the relationship forward. It was absolutely horrible to end things and I was clear with him that I didn’t want to but that I needed a relationship that was moving forwards. He was crying, saying he loved me but he didn’t know what to do. So I said that I had to get on with life if he was unsure and I left. I cut all contact. Didn’t block him or anything but have had to not contact for my own mental well-being. I miss him terribly but can’t go back there unless he comes to his own realisation that he needed to make some changes, ones that he may not even consider he needs to make, I guess, though he did allude to the fact that he knew hadn’t made much effort for us.

I’m not waiting for him to contact me and I am getting on with things. I’m dating again. I’m assuming we won’t speak again.

But… I guess I’d love to hear of anyone who did hear from an ex they loved and had to give an ultimatum to? Not so I hang on to a fairytale but so I can know that maybe he is thinking things through rather than just writing us off. Again, I’m not holding my breath, but i loved him deeply. I don’t need anyone to tell me I need to move on - I am doing, honest!

TIA x

Sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but of course you’re still holding out hope and have not yet moved on. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking here. But it’s ok to not have moved on yet! You loved this guy and the breakup was recent. It’s ok to hold some hope still, it takes time to heal and let go of relationships that meant a lot to us.

As for an ultimatum that worked? I’ve never experienced it, sorry. If it did work it was only for a short while as they were not really making changes because they wanted to but because their hand was forced. As soon as the dust settled it was back to same old.

So I don’t think they really work and it’s clear he’s had some time and space to consider if he wanted to try and get in touch and make some changes, treat you better. His silence is your answer.

@Salayes

Sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but of course you’re still holding out hope and have not yet moved on. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking here. But it’s ok to not have moved on yet! You loved this guy and the breakup was recent. It’s ok to hold some hope still, it takes time to heal and let go of relationships that meant a lot to us.

As for an ultimatum that worked? I’ve never experienced it, sorry. If it did work it was only for a short while as they were not really making changes because they wanted to but because their hand was forced. As soon as the dust settled it was back to same old.

So I don’t think they really work and it’s clear he’s had some time and space to consider if he wanted to try and get in touch and make some changes, treat you better. His silence is your answer.

@Salayes thanks, yes, I agree I’m obviously still thinking of him and still love him, I meant I am taking steps to move on and not living in the past with him.

I’m finding it hard that he’s not even said he was sorry it was over or checked I am ok etc etc. I mean I don’t know what I would expect really. I’m not sure. The silence is painful and I did everything to look after our relationship and I suppose I hoped he would at least have recognised that, even if he didn’t want to move forwards together. I know it’s largely irrelevant after you break up, but it still hurts.

Thanks for replying

Is there hope in you guiding him or telling him what you really need? Sounds like you both may want the same future together but he is unsure of how to do that

Hope you can work through it x

Ultimatums are the last ditch effort of someone who has already lost, they almost never work.

But from what you've said, you haven't given him an ultimatum - you've ended the relationship and told him you need to get on with your life. As far as he's concerned you've dumped him. But what you've actually done is called his bluff, hoping he'll come crawling on his hands and knees for you to take him back. He's taken it on face value and is probably working through the grieving process right now.

You're already dating again? Is that because you're over the relationship and ready to move on, or some sort of attempt to induce jealousy in your ex? That's not fair on anyone, not your ex, people you're going on dates with, not even on yourself. If you've really issued an ultimatum, wouldn't it be best to wait for his response?

Don't try to change someone, it never makes for a happy ending. Either take them as they are or leave them be.

Not an ultimatum as such, but after a huge argument - and I mean an actual doozy! - DP and I split up. To me it was 100% over, I blocked and deleted him everywhere, joined back up on dating sites etc. About a month later I got an email via my work email (he’d obviously realised messages were not getting through any other way!) asking for something back that he’d left at my house. I didn’t want him coming round so I offered to deliver it to him at work. In the good old days I used to go and meet him at work and drive somewhere for lunch so it was a bit emotional sitting outside his office like nothing had changed.

He opened the car door and as soon as we saw each other all the hatred melted away and we ended up sitting in my car, both of us crying and trying to see if we could work it out. 7 years later we are still together. Not perfect, we still have many of the same issues we always had, but we are able to talk them through without blowing the whole thing apart!

Some might say that the reason for the split it still there so what’s the point, but we’ve both learned a lot from trying to compromise on things that we thought were more important than the relationship.

Sort of. Before we got married, DH wasn't good at talking about feelings etc, which made the relationship difficult to navigate! I told him that I thought discussing feelings was vital and that it would be a deal breaker if he couldn't do it. Does that count as an ultimatum?
Anyway DH pulled his socks up and took action. Not easy for him I'm sure, but he wanted to continue the relationship and did what he had to do. Obviously it helped that he knew that it is important to talk about feelings, and that I wasn't asking anything unreasonable. He just had to steel himself to do it I guess.

A bit different to your situation as your DP did not take action in time to prevent a breakup. It's difficult to know how (un)reasonable he's being without knowing what your ultimatum was. But did you spell out the exact actions/behaviours you expect and give him time to action them? Assuming he's not wallowing around in the dark, wondering what you actually want of him, then I'm afraid I don't think it's a good sign that he didn't act in time to prevent the breakup happening. I'm sorry.

Issuing ultimatums are a form of control. Never a good start. If your exDP came back with his own list of desired changes how would you react.

Yes I broke up with my uni boyfriend after two and a half years. He was very self centred and entitled and I was fed up with it. He did try and get me back a number of times but there was no promise (or even acknowledgement) that his behaviour/attitude needed to change. It was all about how unhappy HE was because I'd dumped him. Some people never change.

Posted too soon.
DH and I have been together for 30 years. We still have some issues with each other even now, which for some people would be deal breakers but we have learned that compromise is the foundation of a good relationship.
MN has an unhealthy obsession with controlling men but I’m my experience women can be far more covertly controlling.

I'm not sure this is quite the same but DH had serious issues with anger. And it was genuine - he had put himself in many awkward situations over the years with friends, colleagues etc as a result. On one level he acknowledged his anger was a problem and would, eventually, apologise after an outburst. But on the other hand, he always justified it in some way (certainly at the time) and there was always a sense that while he was apologising he didn't really think his behaviour was the problem.

After a couple of years and before we got married I realised I couldn't live like this and told him he either dealt with it or we were over. And meant it. He complained and screamed for about 2 days. Then he booked an appointment at a therapist.

we've been married over 10 years and have two children now.

Things must have been really quite bad for you to finish it. Sometimes love isn’t enough. He is quite clearly never going to be the man you want him to be - even if he did change I’m not sure he could sustain it long term. That’s not who he is. You either have to accept someone as they are, or let them move on so they can find someone who does.

Every single one of them, four in total.

Problem is, by the time they crawled back, I’d moved on.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=3RitHNr0u70

What sort of things did you need him to change op?

Never. I've never once had an ex come back asking for a 2nd chance and on some level, it really hurts.