Thoughts please

[Whattodonow6322]

Hi I am an over thinker & cannot work out whether this is a good or bad relationship so would appreciate an outside perspective.

I have been seeing a guy since June & we are exclusive (hate that phrase!) but not boyfriend/girlfriend as he feels until we meet each other’s children how can we be. I have been married & he hasn’t so being someone’s girlfriend isn’t a big deal to me but to him it is.

We are both in our 40s, have 2 children each & both have good relationships with an ex’s. The main problem for me is I don’t feel he makes any effort. I feel like he has me now so he feels relaxed & doesn’t seem to make many plans. He is living with his parents whereas I have my own place so he also comes to me. Also, when he leaves I never know when we will see each other again. I have a structure with my child arrangements whereas his are more changeable. We don’t do the good morning/night thing but always send a few messages daily. He prefers phone calls & does call maybe once/twice a week.

The sex is great & I enjoy being with him but I was getting fed up of dating. He was kind of my last date before I was planning on having a break from dating. I can’t work out whether I just enjoy it for what it is but then I start thinking too much. I think the under certainty of it all e.g when will I see him next does not suit me. So do I give up? He said he has missed things (mainly his hobby) so he can see me which he has said he hasn’t done for anyone else. He has also said things like he loves me a bit, talks about Christmas & presents for each other (this was back in August). I think I really need to talk to him but every time I do I sort of back down before explaining properly how I am feeling to him.

That was longer than I thought - mainly a brain dump so any advice would be appreciated.

All I want to know is how often does he stay over at yours?

It sounds like a comfortable compromise rather than the "Wow, this is great" that you'd hope to feel after being with someone for just 5 months... things tend to get more dull, not more interesting, over time. You've picked up on a certain lack of initiative on his part, perhaps reflected in the fact that he lives with his mum and dad.

It doesn't sound terrible, but you get what you settle for.

Sorry but I think he's with you just for the sex.

@Anordinarymum he stays over once a week maybe. We don’t always see each other every week due to our children.

It doesn't sound like this man makes you very happy, and he doesn't give you what you want or need. Why are you settling for this? Dump and move on.

@BIWI tbh I love the sex as much as him. So I suppose that’s it so I settle for what he has to offer or go back to the dreaded online dating apps?

I just think he has it cushty and why would he want to change an arrangement like this where he gets sex in a nice bed and then he gets to leave and have no ties/expectations/expenses?

Don't settle for anything! Unless you're happy to continue with a FWB arrangement? (But it sounds like you're too emotionally engaged already for this to work for you)

I have done FWB before but it was clear that’s what it was. I can handle it when I know that’s what I am doing. I do think he gets to come to a lovely home, watches TV, gets great sex & then goes with no hassle. Maybe I am being stupid? I don’t even want to live with a man again so maybe that’s why I am willing to let that his happen. However, I do want a bit more for him than this.

What do you want from him, not living together and you’re not bothered about boyfriend/girlfriend labels - what would it look like if it was the way you wanted it to be?

I would prefer us to label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend rather than exclusive & that we knew when we could see each other. His life is more chaotic than mine & I feel like he squeezes me in so no proper time together.

It is all very one sided with him living with his parents - always having to come to your house - you never get a break from the house or nice evenings out. I was in a similar relationship - he lived with parents - made an effort to take me out at the beginning but then just asked when I was child free - came round to my house and wanted sex. It made me feel cheap

I think that’s the problem he always come here. We did go out for dinner on Sunday first time in awhile & he paid but made some comment about it. So kind of ruined it.

I don’t think labelling things will make any difference though. When me and my boyfriend put the label on and said we were exclusive, nothing changed other than we both deleted our OLD apps. It’s more about how the quality of your time together is and tbh what you describe sounds basically tepid and low energy from him (aside from the sex).

If it’s like this now only a handful of months in, it’s unlikely to suddenly turn into him making more effort.

I had a friend once who had a once a week sex friend. He loved it because he could go there, relax in her really nice and comfy home, get great sex and that was that for the week. I came to realise he viewed her as kind of a lovely pet he enjoyed one night with but didn’t really think about outside of that. She was exclusive to him as well and I really felt for her as she clearly wanted more but that was all he’d offer. Your situation reminds me of that a bit.

I agree with @Salayes

I think you need to value yourself a bit more, and see yourself as something more than an escape from his parents' home, with good food and sex thrown in.

Does he spend time with you and your kids - go to the park / walks etc or is it just arrangements for sex? Also is he planning to move out of his parents ?

He hasn’t met my children & currently I have zero plans to introduce them to him. He hasn’t got any plans as he cannot afford it plus his parents have health issues & rely on him.

Sounds like a cocklodger-in-waiting to me ...

What do you want though? No strings or commitment and just the sex or a full on relationship?

@Anordinarymum

I just think he has it cushty and why would he want to change an arrangement like this where he gets sex in a nice bed and then he gets to leave and have no ties/expectations/expenses?

Even if he acknowledges the relationship and they become 'official', it won't materially change anything. They are both committed to their own children (which is entirely reasonable), doesn't sound like either of them are looking to cohabit?

How long do you want to wait before introducing the children? Is it a case of you don't want to introduce them until you're officially a couple, while he doesn't want to become a couple until after you've introduced the kids? If so, then that's a stalemate and one of you will have to back down or else end the 'not a' relationship.

Personally I think it's better to introduce kids early and gradually - as a friend first, starting on neutral territory.

I suppose it is hard to say what do I want. My mum was divorced & we had a lot of
men come in & out of my life as a child.
I don’t want to do that to my children. I want someone to do things with like meals out, walks, weekends away etc but I don’t want to cohabit.

Being a single mum it is nice to have some adult company - it is really difficult to juggle a relationship and children - it is almost like havng a split personality/life!!
Perhaps this situation suits you for the time being - you can keep him seperate to the life you have with your children and focus 100 per cent on them when you have them.

@Bluebells34 yes maybe this is as good as it gets when I am a single parent who doesn’t want to expose my children to any men friends!