Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To be doubting his capacity for commitment?

9 replies

overthinker121 · 10/11/2021 04:13

I (F31) have been with my boyfriend (32) since April 2021. At first he seemed keen to commit - he told me he was at the stage of life where he is looking to settle down, was comfortable asking me to be his girlfriend (my ex was avoidant and the 'conversation' had to be dragged out of him), asked my views on marriage (I want to get married and so does he), he has met my family and friends and I have met his. We make medium term plans eg we have a holiday abroad booked for Feb 2022.

We still live apart, around 30 mins from one another and see each other 2/3 times a week which suits us both at the moment. We have been away on holiday for 8 days and have had a couple of breaks of 4 days away so we have spent extended time together.

My boyfriend's best friend got a new girlfriend about 4 months ago. This friend hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years and, despite my bf saying how much he'd like him to meet someone prior to him meeting the new girl, he seems quite 'down' on their relationship. I personally think he is a little jealous because best friend has gone a bit OTT with the girlfriend and will not commit to seeing bf unless he knows new girlfriend is unavailable - he seems to want to spend all his free time with her where possible - whereas before he and bf saw a lot of each other.

Anyway we were talking this evening and he said he wouldn't be surprised if they moved in together and got married soon, at least within the year. This doesn't seem like a problem to me - it's fairly normal for people our age.

I have made it clear to him before that I am looking to settle down within the next couple of years and he said he sees a future together if things continue to go well although he does not seem to be very forward thinking/future focused - I am much more of a planner than him. However, his comments about his friend settling down and getting married fairly soon have worried me...perhaps he is not as ok with this kind of commitment after all? Yet he shows no other signs of not wanting to commit - eg has met friends and family and vice versa, makes medium term plans as aforementioned. His other friends live with their girlfriends and some have babies so maybe this is specifically to do with the jealousy around the best friend rather than his thoughts on commitment?

Should I be worried or am I (as per my username) overthinking? I wasted 18 months with a commitment-phobe in my last relationship and I do not want to do the same again, although admittedly I never met the commitment-phobe's family, he never gave me a straight answer re marriage and we didn't really spend any extended time together.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 10/11/2021 04:20

For me there’s nothing in what you wrote which seems like a red flag in regards your relationship. His comments about his friend being married in a year just could be him thinking they’re rushing it.

Christmas21 · 10/11/2021 05:17

It sounds like he's missing spending time with his friend to me.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/11/2021 05:26

Yeah it sounds more like he feels pushed aside by his friend than anything else.

WTF475878237NC · 10/11/2021 06:49

I agree with the posters above. Nothing stands out as a red flag to me.

WTF475878237NC · 10/11/2021 06:50

If I was you I would be raising moving in after Christmas though.

JorisBonson · 10/11/2021 06:54

You've only been together a minute!

Lampan · 10/11/2021 06:56

I wouldn’t say it’s fairly normal for people to get married within the year (or just over). Not at all. You’ve only been together for 6 months, it just sounds to me like he’s being sensible in not rushing things.

litterbird · 10/11/2021 07:19

Sounds like he is grieving his close friendship and the changes that have suddenly happened after 10 years of being available to your bf. I am also wondering if he is comparing his relationship to yours? It sounds like your bfs friend is fully committed and really into his new girlfriend. Is it the same with your bf and you? Remember that everyone has their own timeline with relationships. If his friend starts heading off with engagement/marriage and moving in it might put pressure on him to do the same with you. Just my thoughts.

overthinker121 · 11/11/2021 04:53

Thank you very much for your replies. I love mumsnet but I think all the horror stories of future fakers etc can make me anxious and read into things that aren't there! Thanks for your reassurances Flowers

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page