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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic/one sided friendship- any tips for moving on.

11 replies

ISawNessie · 09/11/2021 21:10

Hi everyone.

Feeling sad to be writing this but over the past few months it’s come to light a friendship has become toxic/very much one sided. It feels like as well
myself & my family are only considered as a second thought too. I need to break away, though slightly tricky as our kids are very good friends (they are bf & in the same class).

We met nearly 11 years ago at a baby group (our DS are close in age) & clicked. We also then became & shared a small group of mum/baby friends together, so we would all see each other weekly, our kids go to the same school.

I began to notice a change after the 1st lockdown. She doesn’t seem to be interested to meet up with me or my family. If we do end up chatting at school gate/or park after school she just makes me feel uncomfortable or makes negative remarks. The conversations become so serious & she is moany.

Some other things that have happened include
-asking me if we have any plans at the weekend, I say no we are free, happy to meet up for walk/bike ride. She says they have no plans but if she hears anything will let us know.

She will then arrange to meet up with others & I find out later on fb posts. We are not invited.

  • myself, her & a different friend booked our DS onto a sports hol club for the day over summer hols. An hour before due to drop them off I message to double check location, it comes out both her & other friend are going off hiking together. No invite or mention of it previously. Starts giving me loads of excuses oh I thought you’d be busy, it’s a long way for your youngest (she also knew DH was at home) etc. Other friend apologises said sorry for misunderstanding but she doesn’t. She just goes oh well just come on the walk then.
  • In group messenger chats she dismisses my ideas or will find fault. Also meeting up anywhere or doing anything has to be on her terms. For example, she’s suggested we all get together one evening next month to make some Xmas items& if we see any ideas anywhere share in the group. Myself & another share a links & but she doesn’t like mine so she makes it clear she doesn’t or approve/dismisses them. Later she starts posting ones she prefers & wants to go ahead with that one for all of us.

So I feel it’s best to move on, I can’t be doing with negativity in my life - any tips/advice? Obs our DS are still friendly so want to keep it civil.

Xxxx

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 09/11/2021 21:15

Tips for moving on, don't engage. What's that saying, when someone makes you feel unwanted never darken their door again? Something like that. She has moved on from you, do the same to her.

ISawNessie · 09/11/2021 21:25

Yes I know exactly what you mean. Thank you x

OP posts:
Fl0w3ry · 09/11/2021 21:26

I have a friend who has been similar since all the lockdowns, mine seems to really enjoy making me feel left out, seems to hate it if anything is ok/good in my life and can’t hide her smile if I have any difficulties.
I don’t have any advice for you because I am in the same situation. It’s really horrible. The pandemic really seems to have shown peoples true natures. For some it has brought out a better side, but for some it has brought out the worst.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/11/2021 21:30

It's trickier for you with the 2 DS's as friends but I was stuck in a one sided friendship this year.

I felt used, and then I joined Insta, Insta habits clearly revealed she was blocking me and unblocking me at will if I was useful. I took the opportunity of blocking her back and across platforms.

Literally only communicate with her if its relevant to the boys.

ISawNessie · 09/11/2021 21:36

I agree. Since the lockdown she’s changed. I know people do change over time but I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I started a little part time/working from home job last year too. She’s never asked me how it’s going or mentions it.

OP posts:
ISawNessie · 09/11/2021 21:37

Thank you all
Xx

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 09/11/2021 21:39

I would just gently pull away. Don’t do anything dramatic or make any announcements - just stop messaging her directly or initiating any contact. If she speaks to you, just keep it breezy and brief and then “oh sorry, must dash, have to get to the post office” or whatever.

You will slowly end up safely out of the friendship but without causing a big rift, which would be uncomfortable for your son. Well done on realising you deserve better! Time to make an effort with people who deserve your friendship instead!

ISawNessie · 09/11/2021 21:43

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

It's trickier for you with the 2 DS's as friends but I was stuck in a one sided friendship this year.

I felt used, and then I joined Insta, Insta habits clearly revealed she was blocking me and unblocking me at will if I was useful. I took the opportunity of blocking her back and across platforms.

Literally only communicate with her if its relevant to the boys.

Oh no that sounds horrible!! Over the weekends I unfollowed her posts on fb so I can’t see them anymore. Wish I’d done it sooner! Yes I will do xx
OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 10/11/2021 06:19

I had this situation recently. I decided I wanted to cut contact with a “friend” who seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like shit every time I saw her. Constant snide comments on my house, job, car, how I had my nails (yes really!) and constant bitching and gossiping about others who were supposed to be friends too. She would pretend to be a “listening ear’ but would be delighted if someone got divorced/ had financial trouble etc and would then tell EVERYONE. Awful toxic woman. But, with self absorbed people like this, it’s actually quite easy to get rid. Since they aren’t actually interested in you at all, just refuse a couple of invitations. That offends them and they then think they will wait for you to make the next invite…..then don’t! I haven’t and thankfully haven’t seen her in months (and I saw her at least weekly for years!)I am doing some work on WHY I let this woman make me feel like shit for so long, but the upshot it, I actually feel a bit sorry for her, because only someone really unhappy could be so awful and unpleasant to and about literally everyone else.

Sammysun · 11/11/2021 13:27

Just carefully remove yourself. Mute the group chats and archive on whatsapp, dont respond to other texts straight away. Become unavailable, have lots on be vague

nolovelost · 11/11/2021 13:51

There is no point in trying to continue a friendship with her. She sounds awful and not interested. Concentrate on other friends.

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