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Original poster

ED & starting over at 50

28 replies

VitD · 09/11/2021 14:18

Hi
I am a divorced man (very long relationship & my only full on sexual partner ever ) early 50's and been having ED issues the past few years
just the odd occasion when i was married 8 years ago which i accepted then due to age and other circumstances (suffered with depression etc).

Even on my own i can struggle to get a decent erection on a regular basis but often wake up in the night more than once as hard as ever so after researching i think my issues are more physiological than physical
I had a brief evening with a "friend" over a year ago (after sex texting)where i could't manage to perform and i think it was due to confidence and attraction issues but...

A little while ago went away on a really good weekend with someone i absolutely think is amazing, we had a good time
ended up in the same room but was no kissing etc just fully clothed spooning/cuddling, although i was extremely turned on i did not get hard

This has now completely sent me over the edge and i have been a bit of a wreck the past few weeks.
I am so attracted to this woman and to not be able to get aroused has broken me, all the scenarios are now in my head for future encounters with anyone
what if it had gone further and we got around to being naked how would i even begin to explain that and she would never want to be with me again
how/when do i approach this subject if i begin to like someone again ?
i really dont want to rely on pills to get hard/maintain erections
maybe i have performance anxiety ...take anti depressants...that in turn can cause ED
my lack of experience sexually probably doesn't help matters as after such a long relationship i know i will be a bit anxious & lacking in confidence but with my wife 95% of the time it was great and i know i am good with foreplay etc i have confidence with that side
just thought i would ask on here as i will get a female point of view on how to approach matters with a new person when the time is right...when is the time right ?

this might sound a bit petty to many but seriously i have been an emotional wreck the past few weeks and even lost some work due to it playing on my mind so much and not being on the ball

any advice is appreciated

TIA

OP posts:
DizzySquirrel90 · 09/11/2021 14:23

Hey.

I honestly think that if you end up really liking someone and opening up this part of your life to them, if they aren't willing to stick around/support it and help you regain that confidence then they aren't worth your time.

Best of luck

litterbird · 09/11/2021 14:29

Goodness me, firstly well done for reaching out. Its very difficult for any man with this problem to admit it and get advise. Yes, I believe it is psychological for you and with anti depressants I am afraid this is going to be a long up hill struggle to get this sorted. I must first of all ask if you have had therapy...proper specialist sexual health therapy that explores why you may be getting ED? If not I would recommend you take a look at the help you may be able to get. The NHS has specialists who can support you with therapy in this particular area. As for you friend it is really important that you are open and honest with her from the beginning. Explain the challenge you have, how you feel about her, how you are attracted to her and what measures you have in place that you are working on. Your lady friend will then have the choice as to whether support your journey or figure that not having full sex is not something she is willing to forgo. Being up front about it can sometimes bring you closer even though its are really tricky conversation to have with someone you just met. The reason I left a relationship with a man with ED is because he wasn't prepared to get help and look at things to improve the situation. If he had sat me down, explained everything and told me the pathway he was willing to take to get help it may have been a very different ending. Good luck OP and keep going.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 09/11/2021 14:32

I suggest you get a physical health check first of all. Go slow with your new woman and consider viagra, as I suspect it will give you that extra confidence when the time comes, once the demons in your mind shut up you can settle back to non-viagra sex. Good luck!

MMmomDD · 09/11/2021 14:33

Most women your age you’d date - have experienced men having issues with age.
And key to it all is to try to go slowly and not make it a bigger deal than it is. If you met someone normal and understanding - you should be able to work through it all.

In your place - I’d do a few things.
First - do a medical checkup, to eliminate any underlying issues that can cause it. Get your testosterone checked too - it’s not only women who need a bit of help with hormones as we age.

Second - figure out if your AD meds are causing it and work out a long term plan. See with your doctor whether there are other ways of managing your depression, or other meds.

But more importantly - you need to give your head a shake and get over your fear that little blue pills would make you less of a man.
Viagra is there for help, especially as men age. It doesn’t make random erections - the man needs to be turned on. But it does help with the physical side of plumbing work.
It can help restore confidence as well.
The worst thing that can happen to a man is to be in a vicious circle of performance anxiety.

Sakurami · 09/11/2021 14:36

My bf has ED but he just takes pills and it isn't a problem. I don't even know if he takes them all the time we're together.

He was open about it and it was fine. He doesn't know if it is physical or psychological but I guess even if it is psychological, if you know that you have a guarantee then you can relax and have no issues.

The mind is a bugger. I know that even though I sleep like a log normally, if I know that it's important to get sleep because I have to get up early , I can guarantee that I won't be able to sleep.

Anyway, my advice is to take some pills and then if your relationship progresses and you're more comfortable and relaxed and there is no pressure you can trial not taking them.

Glumgal · 09/11/2021 14:40

Ok so you are worried because you didn't automatically grow hard even though you were turned on while you were fully clothed spooning / cuddling...

You can't possibly know whether or not your anatomy will react to direct stimulation until you try it but as a woman I wouldn't be bothered at all if a man I was with wasn't hard as soon as he undressed. I think if you don't become aroused once your partner begins to touch / stroke etc then it's time to have the conversation but I wouldn't preempt that by assuming you will have problems before you've even tried.

IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 14:57

The thing with ED that’s fatal for any relationship is silence, not talking about it or being prepared to work on it. It leaves your partner feeling rejected and worthless and is utterly soul sapping.

Think about medication - it might just give you confidence to get through the “will I, won’t I” around erection. Do also get a proper medical and seek therapy, the right person will work on it with you, as long as you’re working on it and communicating well.

houseonthehill · 09/11/2021 18:02

ED pills are fine. I'd advise looking at cialis or taladafil, maybe low dose ones, rather than going straight for viagra, though. The latter is a bit full-on and can cause headaches etc. If you're getting erections at night, the gentler, more long-lasting types will probably give you what you need.

SimoneSimone · 09/11/2021 18:43

@houseonthehill

ED pills are fine. I'd advise looking at cialis or taladafil, maybe low dose ones, rather than going straight for viagra, though. The latter is a bit full-on and can cause headaches etc. If you're getting erections at night, the gentler, more long-lasting types will probably give you what you need.
This is first rate advice
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/11/2021 18:46

I definitely agree with getting a check up. Well done for reaching out. It takes courage.

My husband had ED issues and was eventually diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He's managed to overcome that but still has ED which is very upsetting. Good luck.

Anothernick · 09/11/2021 18:51

Man here, a bit older than you but been there, done that etc. I would say
Yes It's psychological. If you get night time erections there is nothing physically wrong.
Yes you have performance anxiety. We all get that from time to time. You seem to have a severe case, the usual remedy is to refrain from sexual contact until your desperation overcomes your fears but you may need more than that. You should certainly consider whether your antidepressants are a factor. I understand your reluctance to try Viagra and I have no personal experience to go on but it is widely recommended and I think you should consider it.
And don't give up, you will get over it, you can have a great sex life after 50 as I can confirm from personal experience. The idea that you are "past it" at that age is wrong.

Eightandahalfyears · 09/11/2021 18:57

Take the pills. They work wonders.

altmember · 09/11/2021 19:05

Well the anti depressants probably aren't helping. Why are you fine with taking them, but won't consider meds to treat the ED? See your GP, maybe try changing ADs if there might be one that's less likely to interfere with erections. Obviously, you'll also need to make sure (again ideally with GP guidance), that you're on meds that are safe with ED meds. If possible, try taladafil first as that works in a more subtle way than viagra.

Get your ED sorted out as best you can (meds or whatever), before embarking on a relationship. Don't expect a new partner to just happily accept it if you can't get it up at all. It'd be a bit different in a long standing relationship where the ED has developed gradually from a healthy situation.

Hehx3 · 09/11/2021 19:23

If the guys is a good guy and I fancied him ED/ viagra would not bother me at all. Im almost 40. Bodies were not made to function sexually for that long so its too expect that people will have all sort of challenges at some point. You are a man - feel good about it 😊

category12 · 09/11/2021 19:25

It's not petty.

Get yourself checked out with the doctor first.
And reconsider the little blue pills.

Elieza · 09/11/2021 19:40

Definitely go to the GP. It could be that your depression medicine is causing this issue (if you’re taking meds for it).

Most women are understanding about such issues. Especially if they have issues themselves due to a bad childbirth or menopause etc which concerns them too, so you may not be the only one in the relationship who has worries! Not to mention their concerns about Caesarian scars or wobbly bits….

Hopefully for you it will be something that can be easily sorted with pills, preferably low dose ones, and time and confidence may then sort the problem out totally.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 09/11/2021 19:46

How is your general health, weight, diet etc. Do you smoke, drink to excess? Do you watch a lot of pornography? How is your depression and what other help have you had besides tablets......so many questions

Chippymunks · 09/11/2021 19:51

I’d try the pills, I think they’ll work if the attraction is there.

Wombat49 · 09/11/2021 19:55

All good advice. So, so common.

Original poster
VitD · 10/11/2021 10:04

What can i say !!

Thank you all so much for the advice, it has made me feel better already

Just to clear up i am not on A.D at the moment (last was 5yrs ago)but am considering them as i am pretty down the past year and been really emotional the past few months also this is not a good time of year for me (thats another story!!)
I had therapy in the past so maybe thats a route i will try again if i can afford it

Reading all this back i have a lot to sort out about myself but as they say the first steps are admitting theres a problem ay.

I will certainly get some ED pills and like suggested will try the low dose ones first, i just didn't want to become reliant on them but as some of you have pointed out it maybe i just need them for a bit of confidence building at first and then not for every occasion

I hardly drink and dont smoke , other than joint pain etc i am pretty healthy and bmi is spot on for age and height

once again thank you all so much for all the help/advice
it was a difficult thing to post even though its anonymous and also a difficult thing for some of you to reply to so i really appreciate it

THANK YOU

OP posts:
peridito · 10/11/2021 10:56

What a nice chap you sound ! All the very best with future relationships .

And another female here saying that any decent ,kind partner would understand .

5128gap · 10/11/2021 10:59

To answer you as honestly as I can, from the POV of a 50s woman, be honest as soon as you can. Some women will be fine with it, as they will consider other aspects of a relationship more important. Others won't want to invest in a situation where a decent physical relationship was only a maybe, after time and patience on their part. People will tell you that if she's worth it a woman won't mind, but unfortunately that's not strictly true. So to avoid upset/ embrassment that will further knock your confidence, let them know as soon as you can so they can decide whether to pursue things. If they do, you can go into that aspect of your relationship with the confidence that you have a shared expectation.

Delectable · 10/11/2021 11:15

The penile blood vessels are smaller in size than those in the heart. For this reason specialists see ED as a warning sign for heart disease. Viagra was made for heart disease but it also helps thin the blood and increase flow so it is used for ED. You've got really good advice already but I'll like to add that you look into plant based diets and Dr Greger. Eliminate dairy especially cheese, cream and oils for a while. Avocado's and nuts are fine.

TowandaForever · 10/11/2021 17:39

@Delectable

The penile blood vessels are smaller in size than those in the heart. For this reason specialists see ED as a warning sign for heart disease. Viagra was made for heart disease but it also helps thin the blood and increase flow so it is used for ED. You've got really good advice already but I'll like to add that you look into plant based diets and Dr Greger. Eliminate dairy especially cheese, cream and oils for a while. Avocado's and nuts are fine.
Why does a plant based diet help?
QuinnMovesOn · 10/11/2021 17:51

My former husband had ED and also didn't like taking the pills, we had a good sex life regardless. Honesty, a little understanding and some inventiveness go a long way with this.