Shoud I ask

[Kraut40]

Hi. I am 40 years old and I have 0 friends Like literally 0. I grew up with addicts which messed me up immensely (I have quite a few therapies behind me) and I was mercilessly bullied at school. I just never learned how to make friends. My husband and my daughter are my only social contacts. ( I don't have any relatives) I consider myself as a happy person but not having any friends gets me a bit. I would say I can divide people around me in two groups . 1. People who tolerate me but kinda don't see me. I don't get any terrible vibe from them but I am clearly not important or memorable . 2. People who don't like me but we are adults and they have to put up with me. During the course of my lifetime I tried to adjust my behaviour to make myself more likeable.I tried to be chatty and bubbly, but I had an impression I was only annoying and boring. Then I went quiet . Boring again. I tried to " open up " but I think it made me look desperate and oversharing . I tried to be low-key but it did not help either. I am always nice and polite and helpful but people seem to avoid me. Nobody ever asks for my number, nobody invites me anywhere. I do leave my house and I do talk to people but all I ever get is 2min small talk. Obviously I have zero social skills. Now the question- Should I ask my colleagues for a feedback? Like - why they don't like me ? What is the issue with me? Or would it make me look just SUPER WEIRD and cause even more damage.

No, don't ask for feedback about why they don't like you because the chances are they don't dislike you, then you would insult them.

Honestly, I get what you're feeling but you have to realise that most people are going about their daily shit and it's a rare soul who takes time out to notice a person who might be in need of a friend. People are busy, with their own troubles perhaps, and they are probably not thinking that deeply about you.

My advice is to think of one person - just one - who you would really like as a friend. Forget whether they might like you. Who can you think of who you'd really like as a friend, confidante, someone to do those things you enjoy with? If you can think of someone like that, why not reach out to them and suggest you do whatever it is you like doing, together?

I wouldn't as this assumes that they don't like you, rather than just being indifferent, thus drawing attention to what is an issue for you. I would suggest that possibly people are just getting on with their own lives and aren't considering whether you do/don't have friends.

Have you considered finding a hobby outside of home/work environment where you can interact with like minded people?

I have 11 months old daughter so I don't have tons of time but I have some little hobbies- I go to yoga class, and swimming lessons (one class for myself, to improve my skills, one class is baby swimming) and I also go to the gym. I try to hold some small conversations but with no success. I get people are busy, especially at my age and I am not pushy. It is just frustrating. I am sure I have to change something about myself but I don't know what.

Thank you for your advice. I won't ask. I must tell you I think people don't like me because they interact with each other (talk about their private stuff, do things together) and I am always excluded. I don't think I am imagining it. Few days ago we couldn't move forward with some stuff at work, we had to wait for something- this situation created an extra break- so we were just standing there. My 3 other colleagues started to chat (nothing too private, just football and who is doing sports). I came a bit closer and one of them stopped talking , looked at me and said : Do you need anything? Of course I kept my face on, and said, no , no I am just waiting bla, bla, bla. I stepped back, and they just carried on. Another example. I work on some project with a group of 3 other people ( they aren't the ones from the first example). We have a TEAMS group . So we used this group to chat about the projects. I proposed something and they really ignored me. Nobody responded to any of my comments.They just chatted to each other. And then one of them proposed the same solution that I wrote about earlier. I mean am I crazy? Is it real or is it just all in my head?

Yoga classes can be cliquey. If you're in one of these, you have to just keep going until they 'accept' you. Very animalistic and very annoying but just one of those things.

It is possible you've been a victim of some false information passed on somewhere. Perhaps something as simple as you said something once, someone took it the wrong way, passed it on, then others believe you to be a rude/unfriendly/whatever person.

Apparently I come across as sarcastic to people who don't know me. That might be your issue too? You say something which you think sounds really sincere, but to others it sounds insincere or patronising? Ever watched Tess Daly on Strictly? That's an example of a really nice lady rubbing people up the wrong way just because of the way she speaks.

From your description of your upbringing it sounds like you could have poor self-esteem, which could affect the way you interpret others' reactions to you. But maybe you are also a bit weird - it's always possible! But even weird people can have friends. Perhaps you are in social circles that are not very welcoming or open to difference?

Op I often feel the same. When I look back on my childhood I always seemed to be the least popular one in a group of friends so if an activity was four people out of five I would be the one missed out. One of my dc has been diagnosed with autism and over time I've realised I'm missing some social skills. I realise that I interrupt, want to get my point across, can be too domineering and tend to overshare. I have realised this largely by looking at how my children communicate.

How I look at it is, I'm a nice person, I have a nice boyfriend (so the person who knows me best doesn't see any major flaws) and I think people like me but just like other people more. I worry that I'm boring and I can be obsessive about some subjects but I'm not sure what I can do about that other than keep trying. I know that I'm a loyal, reliable, generous person so I focus those traits on my dc and family. It's not all bad, I get the odd party invitation, in fact I got one today for a xmas party but I'll get an invitation with 20 other people rather than 2 or 3!

How did you meet your dh OP? You obviously did something right there in meeting someone, building a connection etc.

I met him online , we played the same online game and became friends . It was in 2018- before I met him I was also the forever alone type . Till today I don’t really understand why he married me , but I’m not asking any questions here lol .
I think I am pretty weird , my life took me to places , it just changes you. I know it’s the big part of the problem- I don’t resonate with people , don’t “ click” with anyone .
At this point I’m so worried that I could say something wrong that I barely say anything at all . Which can be interpreted as arrogance but I really ran out of ideas. so I think I will stick to it . It’s like you said , no matter how hard I try I rub people up the wrong way. I am willing to work on myself but it’s hard without any feedback.

I really feel for you Kraut, coming from a family with autism / anxiety problems on both my side and my husband's, I know how being on the peripheries of the social environment can be lonely.
Cherish what you do have and don't give up, you may just have been unlucky enough to end up sharing time with the wrong kind of people. All the best.

I wouldn't ask work colleagues as you're stuck with them if it goes weird.

Maybe other acquaintances you don't see as much or a counsellor could help you?

Do you ask people about themselves and do kind of active listening?

Hi Kraut! Don’t ask your work colleagues as it would probably be a bit awkward and from how you’ve described them they don’t sound very understanding or supportive. They sound quite bitchy to be honest and in the example you gave they were rude and dismissive. So just let those people get on with it.

If you’re looking to make connections with people, I would try seeking out some really welcoming type groups that are low pressure and will be interactive and accepting by nature. Yoga sounds a bit tough to meet people as I guess mostly everyone’s doing poses silently! I think groups like that could be tougher as the interaction is all peripheral small talk (rather than focused on a particular task or goal), which is a skill in itself - many people struggle with this sort of small talk!

Something like toastmasters springs to mind - they are all about helping people build up confidence and it’s part of the credo to be respectful and welcoming to everyone. They will also give you kind and respectful feedback on your speaking skills, which could help you build up confidence and get some of that guidance you’re after. They’re all over the country and the individual groups can vary quite a lot, so for eg some are more formal and than others, but a lot meet online so you could dip into a few different ones and see what you think. You could also tell one of the organisers privately beforehand that you’re apprehensive and lacking confidence, and I’m sure they’d be happy to offer support and make sure you feel encouraged.

That’s just one example though. You could also try looking on meetup.com for something that interests you or chimes. The last city I lived there was a meet up locally specifically for socially awkward people, so a) you’re not alone in feeling unsure and b) there are other people out there looking to make connections and who won’t judge you if you’re not super confident or polished at making chit chat at this point!

Another idea of something that springs to mind is a board game or D&D meet-up, something like that where people tend to be very sweet and accepting even (or especially!) if you’re a bit different or awkward. And remember too that socialising is a skill that you can practice and work on so even if you find it a bit baffling now, doesn’t mean you always will. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are, even if that’s someone quirky, ‘weird’, odd or different!