Too much time with stbexh

[Reallyconfused21]

Dh and I seperated earlier this year.
I instigated the separation due to dh's behaviour and low opinion of me.
He has said some very unkind things about me and done things that he knew would hurt me since we split.
My parents had a really messy divorce and wouldn't be in the same room together unless something like a wedding, which caused me and my siblings massive stress.
I really don't want that for my dc so have actively encouraged time as a family.
Dh doesn't have anywhere suitable to have the dc so mostly sees them at the family home, in which me and dc reside.
I don't mind spending time with him. I am tying really hard to bury my feelings and hold my tongue where he is concerned and the children seem to benefit from it.
I worry that it is causing confusion for dh and I.
When he first left all I wanted was for him to step up and be a better dh and father, but he didn't do that.
I worry that now, when he puts in the minimal effort, he expects to be welcome home.
I'm not sure I feel the same about him anymore, or can forgive any of the things he has said, done.
I don't want to give dh the wrong impression but it is almost impossible for me to have an honest conversation with him without provoking huge backlash that is detrimental to me and the dc.
I suspect my dh has emotional abusive tendencies, hence the split and am struggling on how best to navigate this.
I have suggested we spend the next couple of months focusing on the dc, but worried that he sees this as a "way in" to our home.
I am pretty confident that he doesn't miss me, given all the things he has said, but misses his family home and my wife work.
I really don't know where to go from here without rocking the boat.
I am in counselling and have been before he left but with all of his actions it feel slide a fire fighting approach rather than a me approach, but that's probably my doing.
I know this probably doesn't make sense, but if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.
The thought of dh moving on kills me, but I know I abur to expect otherwise.

I would be more concerned about your children. It will be very confusing for them having dad at home sometimes and not others. I also think you’re trapping yourself and need to put some boundaries in place to help you move on.
He can take the kids to the park or soft play or swimming or to grandparents.
I think having nowhere suitable is an excuse. Where is he living?

Given joint access to finances in a marriage - why doesn't he use his portion to get a decent place to bring the kids to?

The dc seem to be adapting very well.
They know we have seperated. I've had the occasional tantrum/tears but no more then I would expect. They are both sn and our home is much, much calmer since dh left.
He has moved into a shared house, due to my financial control, ie the fact we happen to have a joint mortgage, which I now pay in full 🤦‍♀️

@Midlifemusings we don't have alot of assets, other than the house.
I am looking into buying him out but not sure I can and he can't buy me out, which would leave us both in rented, which we're trying to avoid.
I think if he actually wanted to, he could find suitable accommodation, but the lack of responsibility suits him.

Honestly if you want him to step up and be a decent parent you need to be breezy and tell him to take the DC out and have sole responsibility for them for the evening/day.

No reason why the can't have the occasional sleep over in his room unless SN too significant to make that work.

Don't waste months and years thinking he's going to change his behaviour is showing you loud and clear it isn't

You seem like you’re making excuses because you still have feelings.
Him being in your home is helpful to no-one. He might not want responsibility but tough, he’s a parent and he has to figure it out. It’s not your job to make his life easier and the kids would benefit knowing exactly what’s going on and that they go with dad on a Saturday or whatever.

He does take them out on a weekend.
I think I'm confused as yes, I do still love him, but I'm not sure it's in the same way, and to be honest, I don't think I can move past some of the things said or done.
We had been pretty seperate until this past week where we have spent alot of time together due to circumstances.
I can't lie though, the familiarity of family is what's keeping me going.
I'm very, very confused.

If he takes them out why is he at yours?
You need a clean break in my opinion.

I possibly do.
I just don't want the dc to lose all sense of family like I did.

Why would they lose all sense of family? Are you both happy to stay single forever? Are you happy for him to waltz in and out of your home after what he’s said and done?
How will you explain to the children when they’re older that you’re not together or will you go on holidays as a family, cinema as a family, what’s the point in splitting up verbally if nothing changes.
Dc need to know what’s happening in black and white, not this confusion.
What he did was bad enough for you to want divorce, you’ve said he hasn’t changed. He won’t change.
Set up contact arrangements and split up or forgive and forget and be treated like crap for the rest of your life.

I think you’re making parenting decisions out of fear based on your childhood.

Fear isn’t a good place to be making parenting decisions from. you should not let fear guide your decisions. It will come back to bite you. Because what you fear you create.

You don’t want DC to lose all sense of family & wanted ex to step up. So bending over backwards to facilitate his relationship with them & encouraging him to be a lazy father who doesn’t put in effort isn’t going to achieve this in the long run. The minute you need to step back for your own well-being he will drop the ball!

You’d be better off to encourage him to be taking the kids out on his time, letting him set up his own life to accomodate the kids & not having him play daddy in you home

The thing is this kind of setup can only work in very amicable circumstances. You’re faking something that isn’t real, so it will likely collapse in the long run.

This setup isn’t long term viable.

Also find it weird when parents make poor parenting decisions based on the fear of being in a rented home. So they make all kinds of bad choices thinking it’s for the best, because god forbid the child should have to live in rented accomodation!

As long as you pay your rent or mortgage, this should have no impact on the child.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply there was anything wrong with a rented home, which there obviously isn't, but it is a scary concept to move from an owned family home to 2 rented.
Has nobody ever had this kind of close relationship with an exh then?
The dc are no doubt benefiting from this it's me that isn't.

The dc are no doubt benefiting from this it's me that isn't.

With all the kindness in the world, your dc aren’t benefitting. You’re using them as an excuse to play happy families.

Has nobody ever had this kind of close relationship with an exh then?

There’s a difference between maintaining a friendship with an ex and basically playing happy families. Was the divorce just a threat you hoped would kick him up the arse? You need to let go and do things properly or tell him you want to give it another go. Nothing good will come of this.

You are facilitating his lazyness, not only that, but why on earth are you paying the mortgage on your own? You should move the divorce on and get finances sorted asap. The more you let him see them in the family home, the less incentive he has to rent a suitable place.
It sounds like you are still hanging on and waiting for him to change, hoping for an apology that will never come. Have you got a solicitor?

But can’t you see the thought of moving into a rented home is “scary” for you - not your kids. I have to roll my eyes a little at the thought of a rented home being “scary” though.

Your kids would not even have to know if their new home was rented or purchased. You pay your bills the same… this should have no bearing on their lives.

If you don’t pay your mortgage or rent, you get kicked out either way. If you know you have money to pay your mortgage then how is renting so terrifying?

If anything when you’re single renting can be great - if anything breaks then it’s landlord’s responsibility. If you don’t like where you live you can choose to move. The advantages are there if you choose to look at change in a positive light
You are letting fear guide you, rather than facts

Also these close ex relationships you speak of are usually based on mutual respect & friendship.

You’re faking it, putting in all the effort to keep him being seen as this active parent & caring father, when in reality if you said no more get togethers at your home then he may not step up.

So you’re pulling a band aid off very slowly basically.

Also when people get new partners this kind of “happy families” stuff often falls apart. Only 2 parents who are very committed at their ongoing friendship & children will continue to play happy families when new partners come onto the scene.

I agree with PP’s it sounds like you don’t actually want a divorce, but this ultimatum of a breakup to get him to step up hasn’t worked. This is who he is. You can’t change other people, only yourself.

You're all right.
This last kick up the arse hasn't worked and on the odd timeout has, it's just not enough.
I don't know how to be honest anymore when he says it's all me.

It’s hard but you can’t make people gain perspective or see life the way you do.

You know he is a lazy parent & wont step up. Do you think he will just become this insightful person who sees where he has gone wrong in life?

Or do you know him to have a history of copping out & blaming life/other people for his inadequacies?

If he says it’s all your fault you can say something bland like “am sorry you feel that way”

“We both have our own perspectives”

“Ok then”

But it sounds like you’re still craving some kind of deep & meaningful conversation + connection, when the time for it has kind of passed now. You either decide to get back together based on how he is now or proceed with a divorce

Talking things through previously clearly hasn’t changed his attitude or behaviour. Leaving him hasn’t either.

Though you’ve left him. It allow him to still be in the family home & cop out on parenting time. He hasn’t been forced to step up as you’re doing all the work, in a desperate effort to prevent your kids from having to deal with any changes in life.

He needs to be given the opportunity to be the parent he naturally wants to be. Anything else is going to be bad long term for the children.

What I mean is what kind of a kick up the arse have you given him?

He now can live in a share house (social, some find it fun!)

He no longer has to pay mortgage as you cover the whole lot

He doesn’t have to feel the reality of single parenthood as you’ve facilitated the visitation at the home he no longer financially contributes to.

Pretty soft kick up the arse. It’s more like a pat on the bottom really.

Possibly it makes you feel better that you’ve taken some form of control, but make no mistake you’re totally pandering to him.

You need separate houses. Kids go to him.

Sorry OP but you aren't helping anyone apart from the STBexH.

@Reallyconfused21

I possibly do. I just don't want the dc to lose all sense of family like I did.

Your children will need to lose the sense of all of you being a family, because you aren’t anymore. What they gain is two separate families, one with you and one with him. Your children are not benefiting from this arrangement, all you are doing is confusing them and putting off the inevitable.

Well it's not ideal, but if you can both be civil about it then it is possible to co parent in this way, on a temporary basis at least. I let me ex and new partner crash on my sofa on Christmas eve so that they can also be with the kids Christmas morning. If we get together for other events (kids birthdays etc) it's often at each other's houses. But it doesn't happen all the time, both of us just about have room for the kids to stay with either parent.

The other option that's a thing now apparently is this nested co parenting, where the kids stay in the house, and the parents rotate around the family home and the secondary accommodation to facilitate contact. Personally, I'm not sure that's sustainable long term - I can imagine things get awkward when new partners start to come on the scene, and if one parent leaves the house in a mess when they leave etc. But you might be able to make it work until the divorce is settled and the assets divided up. Obviously you'll need to agree on a fair way to divvy up the bills, and the shared bedsit will need to be swapped for self contained accommodation.

Of course, you don't have to do any of that, you could insist he finds a way to accommodate the kids during his contact periods. But you instigated separation, and he's voluntarily left the marital home when he didn't have to go. So yes, until the asset is split, you are in financial charge of it. So the reasonable thing to do would be to come to an amicable, workable arrangement for the benefit of the children.
You should also bear in mind that you and the kids are still in the family home, whilst he's been semi alienated from it. But he's likely to still have a sentimental connection to it, having lived there as a family. That might be making it harder for him to feel like the guest he effectively is, and it's easy for him to feel like he's getting his feet under the table temporarily, each time he comes to visit. It's hard to explain it, but psychologically it probably still feels like home to him and that could lead him to have a complacent attitude/slip into the mindset that you're still together somehow.

Depending on all the circumstances, there's a good chance you'll have to share out some of the equity in the family home (sounds like there's a reasonable amount as you don't think you'll be able to afford to buy him out). He's unlikely to be able to buy somewhere else until he's off the joint mortgage, if and when he gets some equity to use as a deposit on a new place. Best to let the lawyers and court decide on how the assets are split, so avoid discussing anything in detail with your husband in the meantime.

He says it's all you.
Agree with him and say you are not going to change.
Then talk about the dc again.

Thanks for everyone's advice.
Perhaps I am just keeping him close for selfish reasons.
I'm having a hard time letting go.
I just wanted my marriage to work.