Mental health & relationship

[Elf202]

I've suffered with bad anxiety for a number of years. I've been with my bf for 15 years.

It's always there, but when he's around, it feels so much worse. It's making me question our relationship. I don't feel overally happy, but things arent "that" bad.

What does this mean?

So confused.

What do you mean things aren’t “that bad”? Is he making your anxiety worse?

Can you describe a particular situation where your anxiety got a lot worse with him around?

The past few years there's been on/off arguments. We had a long chat in the summer and the last few months I can see he's been trying.

But I just feel so much more anxious around him. I just can't shake it off.

I've contemplated medication, but Im not sure what use they will be if it's being around him that's making me feel worse?

@EnigmaCat he falls out with a lot of people and always moans about my family. When there's a family event, he won't come. And will then make me feel guilty if I do go and I start to question if I should have even gone. Whilst I'm there, I will feel bad anxiety and I know there's guaranteed tension when I come back home.

Even if my parents ring me, I feel I have to leave the room to talk to them, or I will ignore the call and ring back when he's gone. He will sit there staring over and there's always a sarcastic little comment said.

Dear OP, I know that it is inappropriate for anyone to judge a person and/or relationship without really knowing them well, but from only those three posts I can feel what its like for you. I have married and spend twenty five years with a similar guy. I have never been diagnosed with anxiety but definitely had them since I was a kid. Last twenty odd years, however, they were really bad, starting early in the morning until I fall asleep at night.

My husband moved out three months ago and while the first few weeks were really tough and my anxiety was through the roof, gradually it started being better. Last few weeks I observe myself and to my total shock and disbelief, they are almost completely gone.
Even the times and situations that I thought had nothing to do with my husband, I have no anxiety over. I feel so much better, so much healthier, relaxed and content.

Now, I will leave you to take whatever you want from my post, but all I can add is, I wish I left him years ago.

You will probably find your mental health improve if you took steps to leave.

@freeatlast2021 @litterbird

Thanks for encouraging replies.

I keep so much calmer when he's not around..I love and care for him after so many years together, but I think it's a habbit. There's no real joy and I feel the life has been sucked out of me.

My doc gave me medication, but I feel taking them is just putting a plaster on a cut that never stops bleeding. Or would taking them help me think clearer.

Not sure what to do

Leave @Elf202 leave.

@freeatlast2021 yes, I feel I could/should have left at least a year or so ago.

Now I feel so guilty for stringing it out for so long. I've read posts on here where people are slated for it.

He's been trying, but the feelings of anxiety when he's at home won't go

Who cares what people think @Elf202 This is your life. At the end of the day, you close the door behind you and turn the computer off, you are stuck inside your own life/ home with your choices. People are not there to help you, to make it easier, better, to lift you up, to turn the light on. Like I said, I spent years just trudging along, it did not even occur to me that I can leave, that I can end it, that I do not have to grow old and die beside that man. But once I realized I could leave, there was no looking back. Onwards and upwards only.

Feel free to DM me any time if you would like to have a more private conversation, but otherwise just keep posting. Also, there are couple of other threads you may find useful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4223111-aibu-to-ask-your-separation-stories
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4383291-How-do-I-find-the-strength-to-make-the-move?msgid=111908783
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4390797-Tonight-I-told-my-husband
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4384375-Every-time-I-try-and-tell-DH-I-want-a-divorce

@freeatlast2021 thank you again for the encouragement..I have felt like leaving is the end of the world, when in reality, I could leave whenever I choose..I overthink everything and always thing negatively unfortunately..I'm not a very confident person.

I really appreciate your offer for a private DM chat. I will read the posts you have attached first.

Thanks again

Good luck to you

[quote Elf202]@EnigmaCat he falls out with a lot of people and always moans about my family. When there's a family event, he won't come. And will then make me feel guilty if I do go and I start to question if I should have even gone. Whilst I'm there, I will feel bad anxiety and I know there's guaranteed tension when I come back home.

Even if my parents ring me, I feel I have to leave the room to talk to them, or I will ignore the call and ring back when he's gone. He will sit there staring over and there's always a sarcastic little comment said.[/quote]
If someone falls out with a lot of people it looks like they might be the main factor in it.
Trying to guilt trip you about family visits is wrong, you are entitled to visit your own family.
He obviously has a problem with others and is picking on you, sarcasm is veiled anger.
Hope you find a way through this soon.

If you leave the boyfriend then your anxiety will improve as well; he’s the problem here