I really shouldn't be posting this , I feel like a complete lunatic after everything I'm going through with my stbxh it seems ridiculous to say this .
But I miss him. I miss the companionship, I miss talking to him about the kids, I miss watching new tv shows with him. Most of all I miss the sex. I know I'm looking back through rose tinted glasses.
Because, omg were there a huge amount of bad things, reasons to leave, knowing I'm making the right decision, completely incompatible, emotional and financial abuse, gaslighting, screaming, fighting, crying , fighting in front of our kids, terrible terrible things said ....but I miss the sex. It was the only thing that kept us somewhat connected to each other. It was regular and it was good, really good. I'm sad that I didn't know that the last time we kissed was our last time. The last time we had sex, was our last time and I didn't know it.
I don't really know how to process it. These feelings because honestly, I hate my husband, he is making my life unbearable, he refuses to move out, and seems to take pleasure in hurting me.
I know though the more he tries to hurt me it's because he's sad. And he can't process sad. He can only process anger.
But he is the only man I've ever been with sexually and I don't know if its him I miss or the sex or I'm scared I'll never find anyone again to be intimate with.
It's been 4 months since we were last together and it feels like an eternity .
I don't even know what I'm asking really, just it sounds so pathetic it really does ...
I'm just a bundle of emotions right now . I've been very strong and steadfast in my decision to leave him and not once have I thought I'm making wrong decision but these feelings have just hit me like a ton of bricks ...