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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a person change?

53 replies

mamagggg · 08/11/2021 19:10

My ex admittedly used me. Told me he loved me, moved in and then all of a sudden took it all back and said it wasn't true and moved back home. He blocked me after on/off talking and then Unblocked me after almost a month or two and did it again cause I was stupid enough to forgive him. There's been other situations, him seeing his ex in secret as a mate, him disrespecting me c, snapping at people in front of me, snapping at me... However since then we've been on/ off speaking, on/ off blocking each other. we've given it some time and spoke lots about and we're back together. He said although we're official he doesn't see himself loving me anytime soon. He's being really sweet and I love it. But I defo have more feelings for him and I'm worried it'll turn sour again. Also yes I have a kid but she has been and will remain to be kept out of it, since he moved out.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2021 20:44

How is “I won’t love you any time soon” sweet?!

ExcitedtoTry · 08/11/2021 20:47

You haven’t changed. He hasn’t changed.

Life is too short for this BS.

Begrateful · 08/11/2021 20:51

This sounds ridiculous!!! Clearly yo-yo relationship and he has no respect for you. You really need to question/explore why your standards are so low to put up with this treatment.

Eltonsglasses · 08/11/2021 20:57

RFTH = run for the hills

heyday · 08/11/2021 21:03

If you allow people to treat you like sht then they will treat you like sht......that now is your choice!!!

greendiva · 08/11/2021 21:03

No just no!

Ohpulltheotherone · 08/11/2021 21:07

Can people change?
Yes, with a fucking shit ton of thought work, reflection, asking hard questions of yourself, digging deep into unhealed trauma, talking, thinking, making hundreds and thousands of tiny little habitual changes, making positive choices, holding yourself accountable, choosing to remove toxic relationships and behaviours from your life…the list goes on.
People CAN change.

This guy though, no, no he’s not changed.

Don’t lower yourself to this bullshit OP. Hold yourself in more esteem than to sacrifice your mental health and happiness for the scraps of attention.

Block, delete and buy yourself a book on self esteem

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 08/11/2021 21:12

Run for the hills

BruiserWoods · 08/11/2021 21:14

@nocnoc

Why would you put yourself through this?
This.

Why would you give him the benefit of the doubt when he's shown you repeatedly how awful he is

seriousandloyal · 08/11/2021 21:28

People don't change, especially not selfish men like this.

Bananalanacake · 08/11/2021 21:34

Don't let him move in with you again, your DD is more important.

mamagggg · 09/11/2021 08:02

@Bananalanacake I don't plan on him moving in. I'm keeping my daughter separate.

OP posts:
Universeandeverything · 09/11/2021 08:04

What are you doing to yourself and why?

KintsugiForever · 09/11/2021 08:18

With respect and with kindness OP, you aren't keeping your daughter separate. When someone treats you like crap, the repercussions on you and how you feel will impact those around you....ie your daughter.

Justcallmebebes · 09/11/2021 08:25

Sometimes I read a post like this and I just want to facepalm.

O Lordy, yes

Buildingthefuture · 09/11/2021 08:44

What @ohpulltheotherone said! Yes, some people CAN change but it takes a fuck ton of effort. And no, he is NOT making any effort at all, in fact is telling you he isn’t!
I would strongly recommend you get some counselling for yourself to help you understand why you would put up with someone who treats you so very badly. Good luck OP

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/11/2021 08:48

Op, he has been very honest with you that he doesn't love you and doesn't see that changing.

If you want a loving relationship of equals, bin this idiot off.

If you're happy to accept the occasional shag when he's got no other options, crack on I guess.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 08:48

Yes people can change - like you can stop being an absolute doormat.

Double3xposure · 09/11/2021 08:54

@girlmom21

Yes people can change - like you can stop being an absolute doormat.
I agree. Please think about getting some counselling or join a self help group to help you work out why you are letting him treat you so appallingly.

This isn’t any kind of role model for your child.

mamagggg · 09/11/2021 17:16

Well he's gone and reinstated this fact today. Saying he didn't know we were 100% official when he literally made it so and we spoke very clearly about it and yes to a yard to hurt me so don't think he'll ever love nor want a progressing relationship/ future with me. And said think about what u wanna ,so I'm so sorry. I didn't think. I didn't realise it would come to this- didn't wanna or mean to hurt me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 17:27

You are coming across as a total sucker here.

Op you are in control of your relationship with this man. Why are you even giving him the time of day? I don’t get it.

fuckoffImcounting · 09/11/2021 18:57

Bless you OP, he is not even a loser, he is the bumhole of a loser.

BruiserWoods · 09/11/2021 19:02

You are liberated.
The trash took itself out.
Stay away from men and be really kind to yourself now.
Dont go near another man until being treated badly turns you off.

Munchkinpumpkin · 09/11/2021 20:43

A wise older woman once gave me sound advice .. find a man who loves you more than you love him

BruiserWoods · 09/11/2021 20:49

That's what my leg waxer told me. She's very happy!

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