Boring Relationship

[Hawtain86]

So I have been dating this nice guy for over a year. He is very thoughtful and always puts my needs first. Hes great with my son too and he is always constantly showering me with gifts.

He isn’t my usually type but because he was so nice i felt I would be stupid to end things as he treats me really well.

The problem is I’m finding him too nice, which sounds ridiculous I know, he always goes along with what I want to do, he never argues he just agrees with me. I’m starting to get really bored in the relationship and I’m finding him a bit of a pushover. He doesn’t really make me laugh like other partners in the past and he can be quite feminine at times which I don’t find attractive. He’s easy on the eye but I’m not really physically attracted to him. The gifts I find too much sometimes and I’m starting to think he’s doing it to compensate for something. Plus he always brings up what he has bought me in conversation. He has asked me to move in with him which we agreed on. His house was up for sale but he took the first offer so he could get moved into mine as soon as possible when there was no rush and lots of interest in the house. He seems to be overly keen.

Am I being too fussy and should I just be thankful I’ve found a nice guy and not dating some idiot? I feel guilty because I don’t want to hurt him I just don’t feel that crazy about him. I’m 35 and I’m not getting any younger.

Any advice would be much appreciated :)

Plus he always brings up what he has bought me in conversation

Hmmmm......this doesn't really fit with the 'too nice' description, does it? It seems he thinks he's bought you as a person by buying you these gifts, and would like to remind you of that in case he wants to call some favours later (or in case you're thinking of leaving him). It's a handy guilt tripping tool but not one people should use lightly as it can be very insulting to the other person.

Who someone is when they want something, isn't who they really are once they feel settled or git what they want. Just keep that in mind.

He might just be really flexible because he doesn't mind what you both do, but that can be quite lonely. A lot if women want to feel their partner is mutually enthusiastic, that they're planning things with someone, rather than for someone. Have you thought about the fact that he may always be willing to what you want to do because he has no ideas of his own, or he's lazy and he has no intention to pull that mental weight. Maybe he wants to be with an assertive doer so he can put his feet up.

That dynamic can really work well for some, but for a lot of people it gets old very quickly.

Also, why do you think he's feminine?

He sounds suffocating and smothering - which means insecure, which he masks by love bombing you with presents which will then be held as weapons against you….. red flags for me!

I’ve dated several super nice guys like this over the years, they being as much angst as someone who’s not that into you, he’s just extreme in the opposite way.

Just tell him you’re not ready to move in together yet.
You don’t have to decide right now whether to stay with him or not.
Tell him you will look at it again in another year so there is a deadline and you won’t feel pressurised and he won’t feel you are stringing him along indefinitely.
I think if the spark is not there, you may grown to resent him and worse but I have read threads on MN where the spark wasn’t there initially but it grew and they have the longest lasting relationships. This will suit some personality types but not all and of course a long relationship is not a marker of a good relationship.
Just spend more time together before settling. A year is not very long at all.

"He’s a really nice guy that treats me well. Part of my issue is I should be happy with that shouldn’t I?"

No, that is not enough - the fact that he treats you well is as it should be but that's just one condition required for a relationship and that alone is not enough. It's easy to get a distorted picture on the relationship threads but I think most men are nice; that doesn't mean you date them all. You're just not feeling it. And while it's perfectly possible for the necessary feelings to grow, I think that would have happened for you by now if it was going to happen.

And it is actually hard to feel it with someone who always agrees with you. You don't want someone who mistreats you but you do want someone who has their own ideas about who they are and what they want to do - i.e. someone who exists independently of you. He sounds sort of insubstantial.

I completely get how you feel when you say your life would be so easy if you were feeling it with him. I'm pretty sure everyone has had that experience - men who were interested in them who ticked every box but just didn't attract them and life would be so simple if they did. We've probably all been that person for someone else also - the person that someone else wishes they could feel it with because it would make life so simple.

You say you're worried about hurting him. In fact, you will hurt him far more if you keep him in your life when you're not feeling it. By doing that, you're preventing him from meeting someone who really adores him. Also, if you already feel like this about him, the relationship will end - you may end up having an affair - the whole thing will be really messy, chaotic and possibly nasty. If you end things now, he will experience some short term pain but it will be much better for both of you (since this is about you as well as him).

Also, why would you give yourself away so cheaply? You don't owe him a relationship. As if often said on MN, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your relationship is still young and yet you're already bored with him. It's not going to get any better if you're not feeling it now. Wouldn't you prefer a partner whose company you enjoy? By whom you feel (in a healthy way) stimulated? Who has his own ideas about where to go and what to do?

The suggestion that he will sell his house, move in with you but it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, he'll just move on again - hmmm, I'm not at all sure that's how it would play out. If he is already trying to make you feel beholden by the presents he gives you, then surely he'll be saying things like: "but you agreed I should sell my house and move in with you and how you're saying you don't want me here".

Honestly, OP, from the outside looking in, this sounds like a relationship that should end before he takes such a serious step as selling his house to move in with you. You're not doing either of you any favours by allowing this to continue.

Why did your relationship with your sons father break up? Was he too nice or not nice enough?
Your going to find it hard to sustain any relationship with your attitude of needing someone to keep you on your toes.

Relationships are difficult enough without having that really important spark and connection going on. On top of that you are introducing him to live with your child. Step parenting is hard at the best of times. I have a feeling you are settling and constantly listing in your head all the nice things he is. That wont help you through the difficult times when you need to be deeply in love with someone to get through these periods.

My sons allergic to dogs and he even said he’s rehome his dog.

For me, that's the biggest, most definitive red flag in everything you've written.

@NotaCoolMum

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN WITH YOU AND YOUR SON!!!!!! I can’t stress this enough!! I had a situation almost identical to yours. I grew to actually despise the man!! I couldn’t stand him touching me and I found him SO boring and a total pushover- I felt like I was the one who was the “strong” personality and I HATED how it made me feel! He was almost submissive! 🤢

That’s really interesting. It’s just so hard to end a relationship when he seems to be doing everything right. I think I am slowly starting to feel that way I am definitely less physical with him. I am the strong personality and the wild one and it’s usually the other way round in my relationships. I asked him what’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done and he couldn’t come up with anything. He’s lived a very sheltered life and gets on with everyone and never argues with anyone. Which is a good thing I suppose but I find it boring.

@EarthSight

Plus he always brings up what he has bought me in conversation

Hmmmm......this doesn't really fit with the 'too nice' description, does it? It seems he thinks he's bought you as a person by buying you these gifts, and would like to remind you of that in case he wants to call some favours later (or in case you're thinking of leaving him). It's a handy guilt tripping tool but not one people should use lightly as it can be very insulting to the other person.

Who someone is when they want something, isn't who they really are once they feel settled or git what they want. Just keep that in mind.

He might just be really flexible because he doesn't mind what you both do, but that can be quite lonely. A lot if women want to feel their partner is mutually enthusiastic, that they're planning things with someone, rather than for someone. Have you thought about the fact that he may always be willing to what you want to do because he has no ideas of his own, or he's lazy and he has no intention to pull that mental weight. Maybe he wants to be with an assertive doer so he can put his feet up.

That dynamic can really work well for some, but for a lot of people it gets old very quickly.

Also, why do you think he's feminine?

It was his birthday the other day and I handed him his presents and he said ‘oooo I hope it’s a computer like I bought you’ he says it jokingly but he keeps on bringing it up and it’s starting to bother me. It’s a constant reminder of what he got me because it was very expensive. He knows I don’t have that kind of money to buy him something like that.

He can be quite feminine and submissive when interacting with people. His voice is very feminine and breaks sometimes almost like he’s a teenager lol. The way he dances is quite feminine. It’s all unimportant stuff but stuff but I’m attracted to more manly men I guess.

@Arabelladrinkstea

He sounds suffocating and smothering - which means insecure, which he masks by love bombing you with presents which will then be held as weapons against you….. red flags for me!

I’ve dated several super nice guys like this over the years, they being as much angst as someone who’s not that into you, he’s just extreme in the opposite way.

Yes I think your right. It’s very nice he’s showering me with gifts and he always remembers what I’ve took interest in while shopping but sometimes I feel like he is trying to buy me. I don’t like that he brings up what he has bought me on a regular basis too. It’s this horrible feeling of owing someone even though I know I don’t.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Just tell him you’re not ready to move in together yet. You don’t have to decide right now whether to stay with him or not. Tell him you will look at it again in another year so there is a deadline and you won’t feel pressurised and he won’t feel you are stringing him along indefinitely. I think if the spark is not there, you may grown to resent him and worse but I have read threads on MN where the spark wasn’t there initially but it grew and they have the longest lasting relationships. This will suit some personality types but not all and of course a long relationship is not a marker of a good relationship. Just spend more time together before settling. A year is not very long at all.

I think you’re right. I’m not 100% that I want to be with him or that I don’t want to be with him. I’m going to tell him in a few days moving in is too soon.

@Dery

"He’s a really nice guy that treats me well. Part of my issue is I should be happy with that shouldn’t I?"

No, that is not enough - the fact that he treats you well is as it should be but that's just one condition required for a relationship and that alone is not enough. It's easy to get a distorted picture on the relationship threads but I think most men are nice; that doesn't mean you date them all. You're just not feeling it. And while it's perfectly possible for the necessary feelings to grow, I think that would have happened for you by now if it was going to happen.

And it is actually hard to feel it with someone who always agrees with you. You don't want someone who mistreats you but you do want someone who has their own ideas about who they are and what they want to do - i.e. someone who exists independently of you. He sounds sort of insubstantial.

I completely get how you feel when you say your life would be so easy if you were feeling it with him. I'm pretty sure everyone has had that experience - men who were interested in them who ticked every box but just didn't attract them and life would be so simple if they did. We've probably all been that person for someone else also - the person that someone else wishes they could feel it with because it would make life so simple.

You say you're worried about hurting him. In fact, you will hurt him far more if you keep him in your life when you're not feeling it. By doing that, you're preventing him from meeting someone who really adores him. Also, if you already feel like this about him, the relationship will end - you may end up having an affair - the whole thing will be really messy, chaotic and possibly nasty. If you end things now, he will experience some short term pain but it will be much better for both of you (since this is about you as well as him).

Also, why would you give yourself away so cheaply? You don't owe him a relationship. As if often said on MN, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your relationship is still young and yet you're already bored with him. It's not going to get any better if you're not feeling it now. Wouldn't you prefer a partner whose company you enjoy? By whom you feel (in a healthy way) stimulated? Who has his own ideas about where to go and what to do?

The suggestion that he will sell his house, move in with you but it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, he'll just move on again - hmmm, I'm not at all sure that's how it would play out. If he is already trying to make you feel beholden by the presents he gives you, then surely he'll be saying things like: "but you agreed I should sell my house and move in with you and how you're saying you don't want me here".

Honestly, OP, from the outside looking in, this sounds like a relationship that should end before he takes such a serious step as selling his house to move in with you. You're not doing either of you any favours by allowing this to continue.

I totally agree with you and what you say makes sense. I think I feel pressure from the family liking him because he’s such a nice guy and my son liking him too. I wish I had never introduced him to my son looking back but after a year of dating I suppose I felt it was time.

The fact that he hasn't really done anything wrong and has always been there for me made me doubt what I was feeling. My friends say I am notoriously fussy. So I felt like it was me.

But as you said if the feelings aren’t there they aren’t there and I’ve been trying to force them for a while because of how well he would fit in my life. It just doesn’t feel right and I’m withdrawing from him more and more.

@Megalameg

Why did your relationship with your sons father break up? Was he too nice or not nice enough? Your going to find it hard to sustain any relationship with your attitude of needing someone to keep you on your toes.

My sons dad was the only person I have ever felt crazy about. In the end he was very stubborn and everything had to be his way and if it wasn’t it would cause an argument. Physically he was my type, a mans man and made me laugh a lot. He wasn’t the most generous man though and he did go through bouts of depression which I found hard. He still wants to be together but I found a relationship with him too difficult and emotionally draining.

So I guess I’ve met the extreme opposite to him!

@litterbird

Relationships are difficult enough without having that really important spark and connection going on. On top of that you are introducing him to live with your child. Step parenting is hard at the best of times. I have a feeling you are settling and constantly listing in your head all the nice things he is. That wont help you through the difficult times when you need to be deeply in love with someone to get through these periods.

I think you’re right I am settling. I’m mainly worried about the alternative I don’t want some idiot who doesn’t treat me right but I also don’t want someone I can walk all over. I would like to meet someone that I could fall deeply in love with, that would be the dream, it’s just so difficult to find.

@altmember

My sons allergic to dogs and he even said he’s rehome his dog.

For me, that's the biggest, most definitive red flag in everything you've written.

I was quite shocked too. He is obsessed with that dog and I told him there’s no way he could move in, my son has severe eczema and it irritates it. He said he needs to be a grown up and put a relationship before the dog. I was shocked but also flattered that he would do that for us at the time. Not many people would!

Just want to say thanks for all of you that have took time to reply it has really helped me get all my thoughts together and helped me with such a tough decision. It’s nice to hear some unbiased views. Really appreciate it.

This is my husband. Don’t pursue this, it is lifeless and eventually you will begin to resent him. Personality is key and a degree of assertion of that personality. Complete submissiveness is like being with a cardboard cut out.

He can be quite feminine and submissive when interacting with people. His voice is very feminine and breaks sometimes almost like he’s a teenager lol. The way he dances is quite feminine. It’s all unimportant stuff but stuff but I’m attracted to more manly men I guess

This is really rather horrible. Unpleasant sentiments, unpleasantly expressed. He’s waving red flags all over the place, but you’re not exactly a peach.

Well if you can’t be happy with the manly man you say your attracted to and you can’t be happy with this guy what? You sound like it was your choice to leave the boys father and you did it because he is the kind of man your attracted to?

So you either need to stay with a man your not attracted to because it’s clear the ones you are aren’t enough for you anyway, or perhaps not have a relationship.

You have a child, you can’t be shopping and trying out “types” of man to see what suits you best. It’s bad enough you did it with the boys father, don’t put him through that over and over. Especially as he’s a boy, what your doing (going for manly men then rejecting them for being manly, going for more feminine men then rejecting them for being “submissive”) isn’t going to send him a positive and healthy message about male and female relationships. I mean how can he learn to be a man with all those conflicting messages? Have you thought about that at all?

He's getting his own way by stealth, you might think you make all the decisions, but it looks like he's doing the big ones.
What's he like around money, have you discussed plans of how much he'd be contributing if he moved in? You don't want to end up with a cock- lodger. How is he about you socialising with other people without you? Have you tested how far his insecurities go? You might find that during covid he was more secure as nobody was going out, but now that people can, he wants to move in ASAP so he is around to stop you. Much as he gets on with your son, would he look after him while you see friends of an evening, without issue?
The other thing to consider is how your sex life has been with him, because if that's not igniting your fire, it's not going to get any better.

I wouldn’t date a man who said he’d get rid of his dog for you to move in and neither would I expect any man to do this. It would a red flag for me. People may think it’s only a dog but it gives the impression he’s not serious about taking on responsibilities and when they’re not convenient, they’re disposable.

So, do you think you're meant to be compatible with all men, then, as long as they're nice to you?

The feminine bit would be enough for me to pull the plug.