Too many red flags?

[StartingAgain33]

I'm 37, female, hes 43. He is apparently very ready to settle down and really wants children, as do I. Which is a good basis to start from.

We get on really well and have a lot in common. We make each other laugh a LOT - and I can be my most silly and strange self and he seems to love it. We've only been on three dates, with lots of chatting and even a couple of phone calls in between (because I said it was rare and nice nowadays, and he said he never did that but would like to try).

But twice now, when relationship stuff has come up, he's had a bit of verbal diarrhoea about his issues - to the point where it almost seems he's trying to put me off - where he's said he just finds it 'hard to commit to a particular person'. He's not had a long term relationship in about 8 years, and I'm not sure that was very long - I think his longest has been three years.

When he first told me this (before we first met) I immediately said I wasn't up for meeting, because I'd just been out with a string of guys in their 40s who had not had a relationship ever / for a very long time, and then met me and decided I was amazing / they wanted to spend their lives with me, and then they were either strange or avoidant and it has been difficult to go through and a waste of my time.

He convinced me otherwise, saying that he had just been thinking I seemed like the best person he'd met on online dating, that he never met people he thought seemed compatible and right for him, and that I seemed lovely and intelligent etc. In the end I decided to give a date a go and we did have a really good time.

But then on the weekend (date three) he spent the last half hour of the date talking again about this pattern of not being into people. His last girlfriend (of six months) dumped him as she said he didn't like her enough and it was clear. He said he was happy to keep going out with her even though he didn't love her as she just wanted something to work. This makes me feel uneasy.

He went out with someone when he was at university who he was very in love with. She was just about to move to his country and then ended up committing suicide. I think that has traumatised him. He went to therapy but 'didn't believe it would work' and 'left before they'd done any work'.

I think he believes he just hasn't met the right person yet. I think this may be an avoidant fantasy.

He says he has always compared people to her, or just plain not felt in love. But that at this age he wonders if he's just going to have to accept that he wont feel 'in love' again and settle down because he wants kids. I don't want him to feel that he is making this compromise with me.

He also said he has ended every relationship he's had, and she has wanted to carry on - which seems to be unconsciously designed to make me want to 'win' (and I recognise this from when I have said the same to a man who made me feel a little insecure). He has even been on a blind date in a public newspaper, where she gave him 10 out of 10 and he gave her 7. I think he likes being the one to 'win'?

He said he wants 'someone to talk to and share my day with at night and in the morning' (making me feel like I would be serving a function for him as opposed to being a unique individual he's sharing his life with?).

I bought up at the end of the date that this all made me feel uneasy, and he said again that this is not how it feels with me - that he just finds it easy to open up with me and that he really likes me. He also expressed fear that I was just seeing him because I wanted to settle down (I had told him I related to some of his patterns of questioning everything), which I said was unfounded.

The thing is I CAN really see he that properly likes me and thinks I'm special. But these patterns make me think twice. I am great, don't get me wrong, but it's highly doubtful he's not met anyone compatible in 20 years, that he wants to commit to.

I've told him again that I feel uneasy and he has asked that we talk about it on the phone tonight as he really doesnt want to stop seeing me. I'd appreciate people's thoughts before I go into the conversation. Am I being a bit too skittish? It's only three dates in, but I feel a little insecure already and like I want him to convince me which isn't great

He sounds like a demented attention-seeker. Who knows if it is even true about the tragic girlfriend. Sounds like a well used plot/spiel to basically get you to accept him doing whatever he wants. Then there is the future faking, coupled with blowing hot and cold. Not to mention only three dates in, he has already confided his tragic life story and massively overshared.Nope! That all doesn't ring true whatsoever! Dump and block.

He wouldn’t be a boyfriend, he’d be a complete head-fuck.

He already got you to let go of one boundary when he persuaded you to date him after you had determined he wasn't for you. He is telling you he wants to commit and simultaneously telling you he won't commit. You feel insecure with him after only three dates.

Throw this one back, OP. He's no good.

I wish they were all this open about their red flags, it would save people a lot of time!

The funny thing is I'm still finding it hard to say goodbye completely - I hardly ever meet people I click with so well on a humour level :(

3 dates in and he has issues coming out the yingyang.

He is literally telling you he is going to be a cold bastard and his ex left him for it.

Run.

If you are that hooked and struggling to end this after 3 dates, you really get too invested and attached to this the wong people too soon. Let this one go, he's basically handing you warnings about himself, so he can do an "I told you so" , when either he dumps you because his ego likes to get it in first, or you manage to get it in first when you realise he doesn't really do deep emotions.

If you're writing this much drama after 3 dates, that's your own red flag to yourself. With the right person, you'd have nothing to post except 'I've met this new person. We're really happy!'

I would suggest he rebook therapy, which he attends this time, wish him well and end it there.

"Hard to commit to a particular person" means a wandering eye, who will be lining up the next victim while he's with you. The cold periods being while he's seeing and talking to others.
So many single men have their longest relationship down as 2 or 3 years - I always steer clear of those. Men don't always make it easy for themselves though, I've noticed lots say single, when actually divorced - unaware that being divorced could actually be seen as a good thing when older and shows at least at some point they have been willing to commit. Id be more interested in divorced any day.

So,
He's told you a sad story ( you'll make allowances for bad behaviour)

Other women didn't have his heart, but you might!!! ( You'll make allowances for his bad behaviour)

He's very funny and charming ( you'll make allowances for his bad behaviour).

Men like that ARE funny and charming. That's how they manage to get women.

Everyone has relationship baggage/scarring (unless they've never had one). To an extent it shapes who we are, what we want from future relationships, and how we behave in them. Most people (rightly) keep much of it in the past - good or bad, it's all ancient history.

You shouldn't know this much about his past after 3 dates. Most people don't even know this much detail after years together. It almost sounds like he's telling you all this so openly, in an attempt to put you off. At best it's a way of sounding potential new partners out, at worst a total lack of self confidence and mental traumas.

And it sounds like most of his issues stem from the suicide, which is somewhat understandable. But it comes across like he's not over that and it's seriously affected the way he is in new relationships. And probably will be with you if you carry on with him.