Is dating impossible if you are a single working mother?

[Coffeesnob11]

I am now divorced and am in no fit state to date but something that came up in counselling made me think even if I did want to, it would be impossible. I work full time, at the moment (and I predict going forward) my child does not see his father at all so I get no weekends alone
I work in a busy job that sometimes involves travelling,overnight stays, evening events so I feel I use my family 'allocation of favours' for that rather than social. I pay a babysitter if I go out personally which isn't often. How do people manage to date in that situation or is it simply that they don't and wait until their child is much older and can potentially be left for a couple of hours?
You wouldn't want your child to meet anyone new for a long time, you are the only option if they are sick etc. Weekends are taken up by spending it with them as you have been working all week.

I'm my experience (very similar to what you describe) you don't. I tried and failed. It depends on your age but most of the men I met at that stage were looking for someone who they could 'be spontaneous' with. My DS is now much older and I do date freely. Good luck!

Watching with interest....

I'm going to be a solo mother by choice and am also not dating at the moment but it is something I've thought about when the time comes.

I'd imagine you'd have to use a childminder/baby sitter as you seem to be already doing? I have no family nearby but that's what I'm planning on doing otherwise it would be a very long time before I'm able to do this freely. I'm 39 so in my case I'd be looking at being at least 50 before I go on a data!? And I agree about not wanting any new potential man to be introduced to your child soon/at all either. It's tricky...hopefully someone with experience will come along and share their wisdom!

In my experience, you park that side of your life until your child is older (How old are they?). It’s almost impossible to find the time to be able to do dating things. I tried but gave up as it just wasn’t working.

I now find time as my child is older and at school.

@CouldThisReallyBe

I'm my experience (very similar to what you describe) you don't. I tried and failed. It depends on your age but most of the men I met at that stage were looking for someone who they could 'be spontaneous' with. My DS is now much older and I do date freely. Good luck!

@CouldThisReallyBe

That's disheartening to hear...the thing is up until I got pregnant I was literally available 24/7, had all the time to be spontaneous/get to know them but it got nowhere in terms of finding a compatible me nowhere in terms of meeting a suitable partner I was that 'spontaneous person' ..I'd not trade being pregnant/ childless for the freedom of dating but it does seem it's going to be vastly different from my childless days! Thank you for your input.

@Yogibearbum

In my experience, you park that side of your life until your child is older (How old are they?). It’s almost impossible to find the time to be able to do dating things. I tried but gave up as it just wasn’t working.

I now find time as my child is older and at school.

They are 3. Even when they are at school I am not sure ur would work as I will be working whilst they are at school.

Speaking even as a coparenting single dad, I’m finding similar. I work full time but coparent 50:50 - so have to work extra hours when I don’t have the kids to compensate when I have them. Then, only one weekend day to myself every fortnight, during which I catch up on all the household chores and domestic duties (in a reversal of the usual stereotype, I’m the one who’s always taken on more of the mental load).

Like a pp said, a lot of single women are also looking for someone “spontaneous” or “drama free” and there’s still an expectation for men to do the running and woo the lady. I just can’t offer that. Not right now. Dating would feel like an additional burden and that’s not how it should be.

I do know single mums who date but they usually have family support and/or the other parent has the kids overnight. Without either,I'd imagine it would be quite difficult, unless you meet someone very understanding and patient

Think the only answer is to find another single dad
Who has the same issues and understands
And patience
This isn’t forever
Or have a more friends with benefits set up.

How old is your little one

No experience but a friend in her early 40s with a 2 year old daughter met her DP about 1,5 years ago and they have now bought a house together! Friend works fulltime and her DD was conceived with help of an anonymous donor so there was no father in the picture to help out, only her parents on occasion. So it is possible!

It's doable. I managed it. The relationship went very very slowly to start with, but if you can find a patient man it can be done

Yes I agree re daytime. It’s not easy if you work all week. I work a day at weekend though so get one day off a week and that’s when I did my dating. Well when I say dating it was more FWB initially but as I got to know him and trust him, he has become more involved and I see him 2 nights a week at my house now which suits us both. We have been an item for 3 years now but I can’t see it progressing much more than this to be honest as the set up suits him and he doesn’t want to live with someone again. If I want more I will have to dump him at some point and move on but it suits me for now and he is a decent bloke.

I think in your position it could work better to build a friendship via a hobby if you could get childcare to do something you enjoy? I don't think I'd do OLD in your situation as there are so many rubbish first dates that would suck your time up. Although, if you did OLD, you could do a quick coffee in your lunch break as a first date? I did the odd lunch first date when dating (I had a 2/3 yr old). I tended to do an hour maximum as a very first meeting up just to see if there was any connection.

Following!

It is very very difficult. I have no family and work full time so a lot of my wage goes on childcare so that I can work which means I can't afford to pay for a babysitter for dating. My child goes to her dad's every other weekend so that's the only time I'm child free.

How many men are happy to build a relationship when you're only seeing each other every other weekend? At least until the relationship is established and they can be introduced to the child.

I'm 9 years in and still haven't had a proper relationship. I've had one brief "relationship" that lasted a few months but he wasn't serious about me (that's probably why he was happy with the every other weekend thing).

The people who seem to be able to date are the ones who either have a support network whi are happy to babysit or the ones who have a decent co-parent who is happy to do more than the minimum.

Options are, family help, babysitters and dating when DC are in bed anyway so not missing 'mum time'. Other possibility is meeting someone through work. Failing that, you've got a long wait till 14, when you could leave them potentially for an evening.

You could do like my ex's girlfriend, who appears to have met my ex immediately after her relationship breakup. They get together with their children and are already acting like a family.

(Personally I think this is quite irresponsible, but I am the one sitting at home on my arse during the 90% of the time that my DD is with me.)

It is difficult, but do-able.

The new partner would have to have a whole lot of patience and realise that the dc come first. My one attempt at a relationship didn't work out as he could not accept that.

Hence me putting that all to the wayside as my dc will always come first.

I tried but the pressure from the man to go to the pub at no notice or to plan weekends away was relentless. He refused to understand that I needed to make arrangements for dc, that I didn't have family support and that babysitters weren't universally available at no notice and minimal cost.
It was too stressful and more hassle than it was worth.
Dc is now 13 so I might try again soon.

It was too stressful and more hassle than it was worth

This is exactly how I felt.

And as for going away, the amount of times I wasn't able to and was told "just leave the dc at home alone, they will be ok, you have to let go of those apron strings sometime".......

I felt like I had to split myself and always felt like I was letting someone down. My anxiety levels made it just not worth it.

I have managed ok but that is because when I started dating again my children were 10 and 7 and were used to having babysitters occasionally. My Mum also helped out by having them overnight when she had the energy!

Lockdown and the subsequent WFH patterns have helped a bit more, I think, and if you can find someone who lives locally, there is now more flexibility to meet for a pub lunch, or spending a bit more time at each other's houses during school hours if you can get a bit of down time from work.

I have always been upfront about the fact I am a single parent and haven't encountered any issues so far (I have had 2 relationships since my marriage ended - and they ended due to incompatibility and at my choice) but I appreciate it is harder when the children are younger. I do believe that there are men out there who are patient and will wait for a relationship to develop to the point where meeting children and gradual overnight stays make it easier to spend more time together. If they don't understand, or pressure you, they're not worth it anyway.

I think it's possible if you have someone to watch them when you go out. Luckily I had my DM when my daughter was younger, altho i didn't date that much anyway. I know many women who dated when they were single parents but of course they had someone to watch over thier DCs or their DCs were older so it wasnt an issue for them. If I didn't have my DM to watch over my DD i probably would never have never dated.

I did actually succeed, when DS1 was two (his dad is not in the picture). I got a babysitter for him when I went out on dates, and actually ended up with the first person I met online! 😱 It worked because he wanted kids, was keen to hang out with DS1, and I actually introduced them a bit too early. However, luckily in this case it worked out, and I think that when DC are very small, introductions are actually less of an issue.

I went on to have DS2 with him, and then we split up, but luckily he has both DC every other weekend, which gives me (some 🙄) time to date.