Contacting your ex's ex - don't worry- not going to!

[Ionlyhave2hands]

God, I'd love to hear her point of view though.

Called things off with my partner of 2 years a week ago.

This was after such a long time of him making me feel a bit shit, second guessing myself and finally accepting that he was quite toxic, gaslighty and abusive. Going through the cycles of things being nice of course.

I know I should trust my own judgment and I've spoked to some very trusted friends who have encouraged me to get rid on account of what I've told them and screenshots of messages from him that he sent me.

It still feels like the only person who would be able to give me closure on this and help me see I'm not mad would be her. They were together for 20 odd years. A relationship where he tells me they just 'fell out of love'. Although he's given me snippets of awful relationship break downs which (even though he's not admitted) put him in a very bad light. I'd be on her side of all the very limited things he said about her.

I won't do it as I'd look insane. It wouldn't get me anywhere anyway. I'm not getting back with him.

But, by God, I'd like validation that he is exactly who I think he is.

I've seen her profile on Facebook. It would be so easy to ask her.

I must not. It would be quite pathetic. I should move on and forget.

But it would be amazing to hear someone else's feelings about him validated mine.

Don't worry. I won't. I know I can't.

Aaaarrrrgghhhh 🙄

Surely someone else has been desperate to find out the 'truth' too?

I was contacted by my Exh’s ex once. They were living together during a time when I was limiting his contact as he was having numerous mental health issues which had a massive impact on our then 6 year old and she was seeing a child psychologist who recommended stopping contact then doing graded exposure due to trauma caused by exh.
So they broke up, his ex got in touch to basically say I was right to have done that as he was unstable....errr, yeah I know, everyone knows that’s why it’s the psychologists recommendation, turns out he hadn’t told her that, of course he’d gone down the crazy jealous unreasonable ex wife route. I didn’t really know what she wanted from me, I sent her a message to say I was sorry she’d had to deal with him then blocked her. I didn’t really want to engage in validating her concerns or thoughts. I’m very much not my circus, not my monkeys.
So in short, if you do do it make sure you’re ok with not getting a response or not getting a response.
Time heals, good luck

My exh's mistress dumped him a couple of years after we broke up and I'd be curious as to what she thought of him by that point. But I'd still find it a bit weird if she contacted me.

Guess it's about wanting proof that it's really him, not me. But that proof is not really required, is it?

I understand where you are coming from, likely you have been suffering from gaslighting by this man which makes you doubt your own judgement. Are you aware of what gaslighting is and how it affects people? It might give you some closure to read about it, understand how you’ve been manipulated and give yourself the validation that you seek and deserve.

It's absolutely about the gaslighting and the sense that he's driven me to look at myself how I didn't think before.

I've always been v strong. I have 3 of my own DCs. Got rid of my ex H not long before meeting him because of ex H cheating. Am strong in that respect.

I absolutely know I'm correct about him. Am abundantly sure. I don't need someone else really telling me that she was treated the same.

I guess that's the legacy of gaslighting though- even when you're rid. You still wonder if it was you.

I KNOW it wasn't. I would just love someone else in the exact same position as me to tell me that.

But that's a perfect world for me and a silly one to try & enter and stupidly disruptive.

I absolutely won't do it because there are boundaries in people's lives you don't cross.

Even more so here as I met his lovely teenage kids from that previous relationship and wouldn't want their mum going back to them saying I caused any trouble. I had a lovely calm relationship with them ( albeit that I met them only a few times)

I think it needs time OP.
It’s a good thing you’re aware of the gaslighting on a rational level.
Give yourself some time to let that knowledge sink in and convince you on a deeper level as well.

I totally see where you’re coming from. You’re making me think of a friend of mine, who started getting emails at work from her ex husbands then girlfriend. Girlfriend wanted to know if he had ever been in trouble with the police, it was clear he had got quite controlling and stalkerish with her. Awkward thing was the ex husband has gone to prison for grooming and having a sex with a teenage girl

You give your own validation OP.

Maybe his ex wouldn't see things as you do, or perhaps he wasn't like that with her.
Maybe she's an enabler.

You know what he was like with you, you know your experience.
That is enough.

Even if he treated her like a queen, he gaslit you.
And that's what we make our decision on.
Well done for extracting yourself.

Excellent post. Thank you. There is also that. We're not all the same. Experiences even with the same person are different. Mine were mine x

Sorry moretodo - thought I'd tagged you

Yeh, we got this.
I know what happened to me.
I get to decide.

Move on with strength and courage.

My exs current (at the time) partner rang me on messenger one day out the blue, I had no idea who she was and I'd split with him about 8/9 years ago. She rang to pretty much validate her feelings and if it was the same with me and him 🤨 what she did with the information I don't know, just thought it was odd.

My former SIL put me in touch with my exH's first wife so she could tell me I wasn't crazy. My exSIL said she had watched him put me through all the things he put his first wife through but felt she it wasn't her place to poison the well. Once we separated she said she didn't owe him anything anymore and that she was tired of seeing him put decent women that the family came to love through hell.

Talking to his first wife was incredibly helpful and helped me understand that it absolutely WAS him, not me.

@Ionlyhave2hands I have wanted to do this a fair few times with regards to both my most recent exes and their exes! I didn't though, because ultimately their story and experience is unique to them; the pattern of the crappy behaviour probably similar, but their response to it and the reason they stayed longer than I did, will be different. And also I felt that they may find it triggering if I did get in touch? I feel more responsibility for contacting the current Partners though, but I won't do that either :-)

Moving on from a bad relationship, whether abusive or just soul sapping, or both, means acceptance at all levels. And being glad that you're on the other side. Well done for noticing it wasn't healthy for you and choosing something better.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had the same urges when my relationship ended. I think I was going through PTSD like experiences at that time, with lots of flashbacks to past conversations with him and about him. It was almost as my brain was trying to put together all the snippets of information I chose to ignore when I was with him, which basically were red flags. I started to wonder how much of his ex’s ‘crazy’ behaviour was actually caused by similar experiences he put me through (I definitely acted out of character towards the end of the relationship due to anxiety and stress).
I let it go in the end, never contacted her ….and chose to accept that I probably became yet another crazy ex in his life story!
Better to focus on the future OP x