Issues with DD dad (it’s a long one)

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I split with my 2&1/2 y/o DD’s dad when she was 6 weeks old for various reasons, but I’m ok with that. It’s his relationship with her I have issues with. After we split, for the 1st 12 months he didn’t make an effort to see her. He didn’t pay anything towards her and emotionally and mentally abused me saying I had stopped him seeing her. I then got a new partner last year and he suddenly stepped up, but regardless of the reasons why, I’m glad he did. (I’m no longer with partner due to ex wife causing problems, whole other story 🤦🏼‍♀️) Anyway, to say it’s been a rollercoaster with DD dad since is an understatement. He finds ANY excuse not to see her, even saying he has no money to get a taxi to pick her up 🙄 but has enough money to party at the weekends and post pictures! So to make things easier and more consistent for DD, I suggested dropping her off and picking her up for him for £50 a month which he agreed to. He would pay £50 a week maintenance ONLY when he seen her, and I was too guilt ridden that she wouldn’t have her dad in her life to say anything. But in the summer this year (2021) I’d had enough and decided to go through children maintenance service. Once he’d received the letter, he contacted me saying he only had to pay £12 a week (he’s a scaffolder and lives with his parents so I don’t know if this is correct) and he wanted to pay more so wanted to sort it outside of cms. Anyway after he fought me for weeks, I decided to close my case with cms and we arranged payments privately. Again I dropped her off and picked her up for the fee agreed, but he thinks because he gives £50 a week, I should also provide him with the essentials for when she’s with him?? Nappies, wipes, cream etc. He also thinks that because he pays £50 a month for me to do all the running around, I should be happy and say nothing. I must point out that it would cost him over £120 a month in taxis! Also it takes an hour out of my “free” time, and as we all know it’s not free time at all, it’s clean up time or put washing away time, or go food shopping time!!! So moving on to the nail in the coffin! The weekend just gone, he couldn’t have DD because his partners mum had tested positive for Covid. However, I have no proof of this, also our daughter has been in contact with this woman in the last 14 days so has already been exposed IF she does have it. Plus he had been out the night before and was supposedly ringing me from work to tell me, but he couldn’t leave work because he needed the money. So when I called him out on it and said he’s the boy who cried wolf, and also I was being charged £80 cancellation fee for cancelling the kitchen fitters last minute, (by the way he has known about this for months and I begged him not to let me down) he said all I’m bothered about is money. He said I want DD to catch Covid and be ill all so I can get the kitchen done and I’m a joke blah blah blah! So because I’m fed up of the abuse when things don’t go the way he’s planned, I’ve blocked him and contacted cms again and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. BUT if I don’t make the arrangements for him to see DD, he doesn’t bother and I feel so guilty on her. But I don’t know what to do for the best. I should also point out that he is not on her birth certificate as he was too “busy” to attend her registration with me and he has never asked to be put on it.

Open a CMS claim.
He’s being an arse.
Tell him if he wants contact, he can go to mediation & court.
Stop him from passing you and your daughter around.
Sadly if he chooses not to see his daughter, you can’t force him to.

As BingBong says. Stop pandering to him. He's a deadbeat dad. Go back to the CMS and tell him if he wants contact going forward he has to facilitate it including either pick ups or drop offs so it's shared fairly.

The line about CMS only awarding you £12 a week was probably bullshit.

He's a scammer. Wait until you find out how much he's going to be paying you once CMS is in charge

You need to let him stand up on his own 2 feet. He is meant to be the child's father it's up to him to show his commitment.... Or not. I know it's sad but this is the reality of the situation.

Do not facilitate this any further. If he wants to see dd he will otherwise he has shown her his true colours. Better when they are younger and know no different.

And money through CMS. Do not deviate from this.

Cms write to both parents when you put in a claim, he said his contribution was £12,what did your letter say?

Call them today.

Contact and maintenance are separate issues, your dc is not pay-per-view

Travel should be 50/50. Not your responsibility to deliver dc for each visit (but I completely understand why you would, although he could claim a reduction in cms depending on how much he would need to fork out for transport)

He's a dick. Grey Rock.

Thank you for your replies 😊

@UhOhOops I was under the impression I should get a letter too, but I didn’t receive anything at the time and still haven’t. As I’ve closed the case, they said they’re unable to check the amount, but I SHOULD receive a letter within 11 weeks of this claim. If not this time I will chase it up. I just didn’t argue last time because I'm fed up of battling with him when I’m only trying to make sure he has a relationship with his daughter.

It’s going to be hard but I know I have to leave it to him now. I do feel sorry for her, but it’s making me ill the constant battles and I have to protect myself and my own mental state for her

Thank you again everyone ❤️

He’s an utter waste of space. Do you really want to keep pushing for a relationship?

Update and advice needed!!!

I’ve contacted cms and they’ve confirmed it is £12.75 per week. I’m still going through with it regardless how much it is. I’ve agreed with DD dad she can go to see him once a week (if he is consistent then I will increase this)

The problem I’ve got now, is his mum is asking can she pick DD up and take her to hers. DD dad still lives with them since we split so I’ve told his mum the agreement we have. She’s asking if she could see her more and I feel really bad for saying not until her son sticks to his part of the agreement. I’ve told her she is welcome to come to mine to see her whenever she likes. Am I being mean?

What is best for DD?? This is what you need to focus on

It is best fir her to have both her parents support her financially. The law is pretty clear on that. It’s why CMS exists. So claim CMS and then forget about money other than to say no to his ridiculous requests.

Then it’s best for her to have stability consistency and security. You are providing that. Is her dad? It takes effort to provide those things. Is he putting in that effort?? Plenty of adults on this site will tell you that having their dad drift in and out when he felt like it was harmful to them
I think you are putting in way too much effort to maintain her relationship with her dad and that is effort he should be putting in.

He also clearly loves to control you. If you need childcare for DD source it somewhere else and never tell him that you are counting on him/ have something special on. It’s guaranteed he will just mess you around

Kids aren't pay-per-view, and he sounds like a total penis, but if he is consistently paying much more than the CMS amount (which it sounds like he is - £50/week as opposed to £12/week) then in fairness I don't think it's unreasonable of him to ask you to supply nappies, wipes and cream for contact. Your baby may grow out of their nappy size, clothes size etc at a rate which means separate supplies in two houses don't make sense.

I don't think you should block your child's father. He needs some channel of communication with you through which to arrange contact. If his mother is happy to be an intermediary and help facilitate contact, it seems reasonable to allow her to take that role.

If his mum is asking for a reasonable amount of additional contact, personally I would not say no to that. Children benefit from a relationship with their extended family.

How can any parent be happy to be paying £12 a month for their child, does he not see how pathetic this is? I pay more than this a week for my cleaner and I’m not expected to feed or clothe her! Sorry, just as an aside. He should be ashamed of himself and his parents should be too.

What does the £50 a week for running around go on? I'm assuming you also get child allowance?

@StoneColdBitch that’s the thing, he’s not consistent with it. So when worked out across the year, it probably doesn’t even work out at £12 per week. I’ve also requested a mandatory reconsideration with cms as I know £12/week is incorrect, he’s a full time scaffolder and they’ve taken his income from 2016 (3 years before DD was born.) Based on his contracted hours, he should be pay £63 a week. Unfortunately I’ve had to block him as he is very abusive and this doesn’t help anyone. Just a couple of days ago he was shouting at me and insulting me despite me telling him numerous times he was on loud speaker in the car and DD could hear him. I had no choice but to put the phone down, as DD was upset and she said she didn’t like daddy. Obviously I tried telling her we were playing but she’s not soft. He has my email address and I’ve asked for him to contact me this way for years as I’m worried DD will pick up on his abuse. The worry I have with his mum is because he constantly lets DD down, she is going to be playing piggy in the middle and will be getting both our frustrations and it’s not fair on her. She can’t force her son to have his daughter, but that still doesn’t help me or DD. So we’re in the same situation as before, except now going through his mum. I’ve told both his parents they can come and see DD in her home anytime they like. If he just stuck to the agreed days, we wouldn’t need to go through anyone. I understand things come up from time to time and that’s fine, but it’s gotten to the point I can never make plans as he is constantly letting her down. I’ve even broken off a relationship because it wasn’t fair that I was having to cancel our plans because of my ex.

@Goldi321exactly! And what’s more annoying is that he has booked for him, his gf and her 2 kids to go away for Xmas. Now I know I have no say in how he spends his money, but when he’s moaning about giving his own daughter £50/week, but has no problem spending that on someone else’s kids, my heart breaks for DD. I would never mention this to him because like I said it’s nothing to do with me how he spends his money, but it means I will 100% be going through cms from now on. Especially when they’ve worked out he should be paying £63/week instead!

@Monalotmoore it’s £50 month not week and it goes on just that, dropping DD off at his parents (that’s where he lives) and picking her back up (when he decides to have her) but again that’s never been consistent so I’m always out of pocket when it comes to petrol. None of them drive so I thought I was making it easier for him to see her by offering to do this, but it’s still not enough, he still finds a reason not to have her. Yes I get child allowance but I’m not sure why that matters when he should be paying for his child regardless of what the government give her?

Would his mum be consistent about seeing DD? They may feel unable to come to yours because of the way their son behaves, but maybe they could provide that consistency of contact, maybe she could at least get grandparents out of this. That's if they'd like to have her regularly and consistently you could take him out of the equation, he could see her when she's at her grandparents house every second Saturday or whatever works for you. They could provide consistent contact with her Dad's side of her wider family and you wouldn't need to worry he'd let your DD or you down, but you'd still be leaving space for him to step up if he chooses too.

I was going to suggest just do all visits through the Mum so you can avoid him and DD still gets that side of the family time, if her dad sees her then great, if not his loss but, you say she doesn't drive? Is she expecting you to do the driving too??!!