MIL/SIL rant. How do you deal with drama creators?

[TheMILinatorReturns]

I just came for a rant and hopefully some objective advice so sorry this is loooong.

Been dreading my 5 year olds birthday party due to having to invite the outlaws. I was expecting some kind of poor behaviour and true to form we got it. MIL was actually very helpful before and after with set up. However SIL sat in middle of room, went on hunger strike (apparently children's party food not good enough for her) was sulky and cold and then had a crying fit. She is 34 for context. I was trying to make sure everyone was having a good time, noone's children killing each other on the bouncy castle and heat remaining food on a 100 year old village hall cooker (as you do) at this point. I had several of my lovely and concerned friends telling me there is a lady crying her eyes out in the middle of the room. I go over find MIL SIL and FIL sat in a huddle, asked SIL what's wrong, are you ok can I do\get you anything? I get brushed off with "nothings wrong". Oh right so you normally cry your eyes out at children's birthday parties do you? I tell my DH who also goes over, same response except MIL says loudly "this is your chance to tell him".

I'm so so sick of them making everything into a drama, they couldn't possibly let my son just have his birthday party without trying to make it all about them. They are literally soap opera obsessed people and it seems like they want to make their (and our) life into one as well.

I'm actually normally a very caring person and I am the first to want to look after anyone upset but I feel like I've had empathy failure with them as I have learned from past (bad) experience. I'm not convinced anything is actually wrong, I think it's all just a rouse to create drama because they seem to feed off me being a caring person. They love being centre of attention. After the brush off I didn't try again and just left them to it as it felt like they wanted me and DH to beg them to tell us what's wrong. They then left before the end of the party to go to a pub quiz 🤔 back home... I know when I'm really upset all I want to do is pub quiz 🤔😂

I suppose I should just be so thankful we were graced with their presence as they live a 2.5 hour drive away.

I hate to use the narcissist word but honestly a lot of it rings true. My own DH has displayed similar tendencies as he turned out to be a 'cake eater' although I think we have gotten through that now (with therapy) but that's another story.

Irritated that once again my buttons have been pushed and they are getting headspace from me as I'm still fuming this morning. I swear it is like a sport for them.

I have known this family for a long time as DH and I got together when we were in our teens. I can't figure out if they have always been like this or when things changed. I've tried to look back in the past but it does seem like things got worse around the time I had DS but this also coincided with the time MIL and FIL got a divorce. They'd apparently lived together for about the last 25 years in a loveless marriage and didn't speak to eachother unless absolutely necessary according to DH (and what I have witnessed). I didn't notice at first as they seemed to put on a 'show' for other people and FIL is very quiet anyway.

Not sure how the last bit is relevant but I keep trying to analyse/understand where all this comes from..but in the end I guess no point really as I can't change them and seems a lot of damage has been done in the past before I even met DH. He never talked about any of it until the divorce so some of it was a shock! I am sad for them they didn't get the happy family I had growing up but this is what I want to create for my son.

I am thinking now I would rather have several teeth pulled at the dentist than see them at Christmas as no doubt there will be more drama creating and sulking. I don't want to waste my precious time off with DS running around after these soul sappers. Does this make me a bad person? I just want to live a happy stress free life as possible! Of course I want DS to see his grandparents and aunty but they are like the happiness vampires and suck all the fun dry. I should add that DH actually wants as little to do with them as possible and ironically it was always me in the past forcing the relationship, buying the presents and cards, arranging visits etc as I felt it was the proper thing to do. We just feel obligated now and that's sad. I know people have much worse problems than this but honestly, what would you do?! 😕

I've been there, listen to your husband and stop forcing contact just phase them out and ignore any drama when you do see them. Don't feed the drama llamas!

You don’t mention if they actually have a good relationship with you ds or not. If they actually enjoy seeing him, take an interest in him etc then id say your DH needs to support the relationship as best he can. If they make no effort with your ds then you can reciprocate.
Try to remember that you are not obligated to spend time with anyone, family or otherwise. If you don’t get anything but stress out of the relationship then don’t engage in it! Yes it feels sad when family relationships don’t meet our expectations but keeping yourself out of their drama is probably more beneficial in the long run.
I’d leave all contact with them up to your DH to facilitate and arrange

Did she tell DH what was wrong? I learned quickly that grandparents/families are not useful at kids birthday parties and ore of a hindrance, so stopped inviting them to those occasions. I'd leave contact to your DH now.

Why do much angst?

You don’t want them at Christmas, your DH doesn’t want them at Christmas, it isn’t as if they are alone (SIL).

Who cares why they are like this? Whatever the reason, you can’t do anything to fix it, however much you like running around making sure everyone is having a good time.

Your DH wasn’t bothered about making the arrangements etc ‘because it was the proper thing to do’

Watch your own sense of martyrdom. Why feel obligated ? You are not obligated!

It is not possible to have a relationship with these disordered of thinking people.

You’ve likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit, your DH has not been so lucky.

Grandparents also need to be emotionally healthy people ideally and they along with your SIL are clearly not.

The rule book regarding familial relations goes out the window with dysfunctional families and they are most certainly dysfunctional. They never play by the rules. They’ve always been like this and if they are narcissistic too they tend to get worse with age. Her parents certainly acted as willing enablers to their DD at your sons birthday party. Your SIL could not stand the fact that the attention was not on her so cried at your son’s birthday party. You would not tolerate this from a friend so stop tolerating them at all. This is not the first time either they have behaved poorly. Your DH after all has known his family a lot longer than you have and he has had therapy because of them. Not all families are nice and some of them are actively dysfunctional.

Keep yourselves away from them. You already have physical distance, now you need more mental distance. Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and read the out of the Fog website.

they seem to feed off me being a caring person.

Well, you know what to do about that when you are in their company

It’s not your fault they are like this and neither you or DH made them that way.

Look again at your boundaries re them as these have been far too low and otherwise accommodating. They have gone onto take advantage.

Leave them to it and with you people out of the picture totally hopefully they will further turn against each other.

Let your poor DH cut contact!
Poor him for having this circus forced on him by you

You owe him a big apology for not taking his feelings and wishes seriously and trying to impose your ideal of a happy family via some very dysfunctional people

So she didn’t actually even tell you what was wrong?

What plans have you made with them for Xmas? What do you normally do?

@TheMILinatorReturns listen to your dh.
He grew up with these people.
You can’t play happy families when they clearly are not happy.
Reduce contact, enjoy your dh and ds.

Thanks all for your responses some great advice, difficult to talk to DH about it as I don't want him to think I'm bad mouthing them and just want to see what other people think..if it's something I can do to change my behaviour to resolve this I would.

@FlorenceNightshade I think they do have a good relationship with him and they do play with him when they are together. I think SIL has a chip on her shoulder that we didn't make them god parents (DS is not christened and we haven't done the god parents thing at all, our choice) but she is godparent for her partner's niece. They can be a bit odd for example (minor thing) DS must open their present and play with it before anything else at any gathering with presents involved even if he is interested in doing something else. It's nice for them to get him a present but to me seems a bit precious. I feel like they don't really always have his best interests at heart as we have had some other issues previously when DS stayed with MIL (a whole other thread). I feel like he is used as a pawn to get to at me sometimes.

@CeeceeBloomingdale CeeceeBloomingdale No he/we never found out what was supposedly wrong, they are not talkers like my family anyway. To be fair MIL and FIL were quite helpful at the party as were my parents. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his sister as they are such different people. I get the impression (but don't know for sure) there was a bit of favouritism going on when they were younger). I don't have any siblings so I have no experience here, it would have been nice to have gained a sister through marriage! But I've always tried to be a good SIL myself and included SIL in things for example I instigated taking her abroad with us on our family holiday and tried to help when she was upset when PIL went through their divorce.

@EdgeOfTheSky yes you are right it does sound like angst. I would have liked to have the sort of relationship my mum had with her in-laws which was one of friendship, mutual respect and trust. But I suppose I should just accept they are very different people shouldn't I and stop feeling like I can change the world lol?

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks I'll look that reference up! I do need to work on my boundaries.

@SW1amp to be honest I thought he was just being a (stereotypical) bloke and not bothering to do the cards, visits etc and expecting me to organise it all. It's only really relatively recently more and more of the truth has come out (I mean a long time later!). He had therapy for other issues and it seems it taught him talking is not a bad thing! But you are right I am not going to force it if he doesn't want it and particularly now.

@Howshouldibehave haven't made plans for Christmas partly because of this ongoing issue. I'd like to see my parents and previously would have gone out my way to make sure we got to see everyone has equally as possible even though now that's three different houses to visit or done alternate years for Christmas day. But not feeling very charitable now lol.

@Capferret yes that seems to be the consensus. However I feel sad for DS at what could have been. I also suspect there is lots of tittle tattle with wider family and wish they knew the truth that I am not DIL from hell the way I probably I get portrayed (and will do more if MIL doesn't see her GS much). I guess more fool then if they choose to believe that narrative.

You're an empath. Nothing wrong with being that but it does make you an ideal target for such disordered people to take advantage of and otherwise play you for their own ends. And you certainly do need to work on your boundaries big time. Narcissistic people do not like those and will actively rail against any you care to set.

Your now H has needed therapy because of his family unit. That is extremely telling. You came from an emotionally healthy family but not all families are like that at all. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive too. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; his main one is likely to be scapegoat with his sister the favoured "golden child".

Please keep your child well away from your ILs and SIL going forward and particularly before any more family occasions like described are ruined or otherwise spoilt by them. They will and indeed sounds like they have already tried to use him as a pawn against you. Its not atypical behaviour from such people by any means. SIL did this because she was pissed off that your son was getting all the attention on him rather than herself. They all are and will not further be a good influence to him. You need emotionally healthy relatives in your life, all three of them are NOT emotionally healthy. Have radiators in your life, not drains on them.

Simply

1. Drop the rope - stop engaging with it.
2. Do not reward bad behaviour. Ignore it. So when she is crying you eye roll at your friends and say its sad but you what can you do. Do not send your DP over to feed the troll.
3. Reward good behaviour. Be extra nice to mil when she is helpful and behaves normally at the party.
4. "What will people think?" Is one i use when my mil bursts into tears in public. She is obsessed with what people think so it sometimes stops her.
5. Talk to your DH. Get him on the same page. Ie. A 35 yr old woman crying for attention at a childrens party is wierd right?
6. Minimise and do not encourage any contact. Dont invite them to anything leave, leace contact to your DH. Only intervene if he is doing a pisspoor job.
7. Give zero fucks about you being a nightmare DIL and no guilt about "depriving your child of family". You are in reality saving him from toxic dysfunction

I have a SIL who doesn't know how to get attention other than negative attention. She would cause drama at every family gathering. I decided I was no longer feeding the beast with attention and other family members have followed. She no longer gets attention(apart from her DH) for any tantrums because she is in her 30's not a bloody toddler.

I should add that DH actually wants as little to do with them as possible

Hurrah!

Then all you need do is drop the rope.

Sounds like you have become habituated to their nonsense, & feel locked into a behaviour pattern their is no escape from ... because they don't want to escape the dramatic behaviour, it is their lifeblood.

You can either fade out, Grey Rock, low contact, all that stuff.

Or you can decide to change your behaviour & responses, & let the cards fall where they will.

SiL crying on the floor like a toddler because she didn't realise a kids party would feature ... kids food?
"You're embarrassing yourself & spoiling it for the kids - get up, pull yourself together or kindly leave."

Obviously there would be kickback & further drama initially -
fortestrong.com/extinction-burst-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-use-it-to-your-advantage/

• but depending how strong you feel, this brisk, no-nonsense approach can be your precursor to the nuclear option.

"If you can't behave like an adult I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
"I'm not interested in your ridiculous histrionics, so am having to ask you to leave"
"If you insist on treating SiL like a small child when she is a perfectly capable adult, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Up to you how you & DH want to play it - but -

1. you need to be a 100% united front. Is DH up for that? - he seems to allow you to do all the "obligation" stuff you describe - but what would happen if you dropped that rope? Would he stand with you, or waver & defect to enabling & appeasing his family?
2. there is no obligation. Just stop doing all the relationship forcing, present buying & visit arranging. You might find contact drops off naturally. If it doesn't - & if DH will present a united front - nuclear option. By which I mean - calmly Name The Behaviour Describe consequences Back them up by asking them to leave / leaving yourself Reinforce "sorry you don't like being asked to grow up & behave yourself, but this is unacceptable, we'll see you when you are prepared to be reasonable."

Then back to Grey Rock.

difficult to talk to DH about it as I don't want him to think I'm bad mouthing them

You won't be bad-mouthing. You will be stating facts, & presenting a solution.

haven't made plans for Christmas partly because of this ongoing issue. I'd like to see my parents and previously would have gone out my way to make sure we got to see everyone has equally as possible even though now that's three different houses to visit or done alternate years for Christmas day. But not feeling very charitable now lol

Make those plans, see your nice folks. Give DC, DH & you an enjoyable family Christmas. DROP. THAT. ROPE!

However I feel sad for DS at what could have been
Let me tell you what might have been - & what will happen if you allow your DS to become any further enmeshed with this dysfunctional family - they will use him as a pawn. They will infect him with their toxic values. FGS you already know they use him to "get at" you. You call them "soul sappers" - why on earth would you want your darling boy around them?

DS has 2 perfectly fine GP's - your parents.
Let him spend more time with them instead - learning how happy families feel & function. You'll all be happier for it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think I might be an empath, would explain a lot lol, I have an invisible target on my back or narcissists homing signal. I think SIL and DH probably took it in turns being the scapegoat child but who knows? Fortunately she didn't ruin the party really as the kids didn't actually seem to notice (thank you bouncey castle and music) even though she parked herself in the middle of the room. The adults did though and yes was weird.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower wow you have a 7 step program, impressive! I see you are talking from unfortunately similar experience. What did we do in a past life to deserve thIs eh?! Your strategy sounds pretty watertight thanks for sharing.

@ShortColdandGrey I didn't know my SIL had a twin and she's your SIL! 😂

@ChargingBuck I don't think it was about the kids food, I think the kids party food hunger strike was a symptom of the strop. We still don't know the cause. Seemed to be premeditated as she apparently blanked other people from my family and I'd forgotten she sat in the car with a face like a slapped are until the party started instead of mucking in like everyone else. Beginning to see the funny side now...and to think before the party I was mainly worried about sugar tantrums from the kids??!! Actually I was expecting the ILs to kick off, six sense maybe 🙄. I'd love the nuclear option but I fear this is exactly what they want to be honest, the cliff hanger for their Christmas Episode. Foot off the guilt pedal and grey rock I think. That's a good way of reframing it, protecting DS from their bat sht crazy 😬

My 7-point system is (sadly) still a work in progress. Primarily created to deal with my HPD / BPD mother in law (who openly wept for 2 entire courses of my engagement dinner which i fucking paid for)
Her latest escapade is she phoned for 101 and got an ambulance out as she had chest pains last week. Surprise! they found absolutely nothing medically wrong with her. She was back home with a cup of tea before lunch...
My DH told totally nonplussed me who guessed the ending
He was i knew she was okay and i had to explain i had been expecting this sort of thing to start between july and christmas as her attention supply had been cut off (my BIL has moved out to a diff country) so she had to start upping the ante to get required levels of attention.
She has been sending us photos of flowers other people have been "thoughtfully sending". DH has not got the hint and i am not helping him out 😂😂😂

Basically - develop some techniques that work for you, because the crazy isn't going anywhere

Why on earth would you push to see them at Christmas when your dh doesn’t want to? Just naturally withdraw from them and reduce contact.

Why are you flogging this dead horse, OP, unless you also like the drama?

Don't invite them to things. Leave that to your DH - who has said he wants to go LC, listen to him. Imagine how he feels saying he wants to be LC and you keep forcing their drama on him.

Why, since they appear to be completely batshit, do you want your DS to have a big relationship with them? It's nuts.

Follow your DHs lead, and start with this Christmas.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower wow...😳 sounds like your MIL is way more overt than my MIL who usually prefers the underhand subterfuge approach or (as I suspect is the case at the weekend), manipulate another family member (SIL) to do your dirty work. I'm sorry 💐 I was like your DH a bit clueless to this bullsh*t but I am already toughening up. What were your MILs flowers for.. it sounds like a non event?! Or do you think she's merrily sending them to herself 😂😂 hope she has shares in the local florist 🤦‍♀️ I will develop further armour. Wonder if I should send her a copy of Dances with Wolves for Christmas? 🤔

@Brefugee that is a good question! ...and no I don't enjoy drama, well unless it's got Aidan Turner/insert other hot actor name in it.. 😆 DH actually invited them as it was our DS birthday and he felt obligated. But in all honesty MIL has already shown who she is as her mask slipped when she totally steam rollered mine and DH wishes when we tried to set one simple boundary when our son stayed at her house for a few nights last year (and she lied to us about it - my other thread). I didn't have any major issues with SIL prior to this weekend (although looking back now with hindsight realise things have always been a bit strained especially between DH and SIL as they are quite monosyllabic with eachother on phone calls!). However seems to me MIL has now decided to use SIL as her flying monkey hence why SIL now behaving like a douche towards me, DH, DS and even my parents. She even got her partner to give us the cold shoulder when we were all trying to be nice, make small talk, offer them food/drink etc despite her making a spectacle of herself...although to be frank he looked embarrassed, good luck to him in the future! 😆 I guess this is to be expected as MIL has no doubt given her version of what happened last year which won't include her being in the wrong of course because no one is allowed to say that. We actually haven't seen a lot of them anyway since then due to Covid and travel distances. It's all pointless conjecture anyway because honestly SIL wouldn't say what was wrong just sat there in the centre of my son's birthday party blubbing, scowling and generally being an arse with MIL simpering around her lapping it all up like the cat who got the cream. I am not going to beg SIL to find out, she would have told us if she'd wanted to be a grown up.

Anyway I've found my inner anger now. When people show you who they really are you should listen right? Well I jolly well will this time and they can bore off and play their little games on someone else's time. Really it is only them losing out on their niece/grandson's life as he'll only be little for a short while. As others have pointed out why would we even want to be around or our son to be around people who are clearly unstable, I've got enough problems of my own! Thanks to everyone who responded, it's thanks to you I have realised now the ILs are actually doing me a favour. I've started reading the FOG book btw! Xx

Use that inner anger for good! Sounds like you have a handle on it - good luck!

Naturally...the flowers are to help with her imaginary recovery 😂
Def start reading out of fog.
I am currently attempting to master "medium chill"... limited successful to date as have shit poor poker face