this is kinda long as didn't want to drip feed - would love some advice from folks who have been through similar.
told my partner of 13 years I want out about 8 weeks ago. he is still in our flat and i'm sleeping in a spare room (i bought the flat on my own, which caused arguments but i didn't want our finances tied together, seeing we've been talking about splitting up for last 5 years or so, maybe longer). i earn a decent amount so financially stable - as does he.
ATM, we eat dinner together, as a family, but nothing else. it's not that different to how it was before to be honest - i do mornings, school run, then off to work until the evening. our son and i spend most weekends together, my partner will join for a thing or two occasionally but not too often. the main difference now is that we both retreat into our rooms as soon as our son (also 10) is in bed.
with us, it's me who hasn't wanted sex for a long time, and struggled to keep everything up since the birth of our son - main breadwinner (bar last 2 years when he finally got a job), main housekeeper (up to me to arrange and handle everything), and his support line (he suffers from anxiety/depression/mood swings which meant things have been hard on many levels and as a result over the years i've stared seeing him less as a romantic partner and more of a friend). i don't find him attractive in a way that would make me want to be intimate with him, and i guess years of 'crap' we've been trough also means my feelings for him have changed - i see him as friend and not a romantic partner. he still loves me and i'm breaking his heart. he's a lovely person in a lot of ways but struggles with mental health and says that our family is the only thing he has. while i'm sure that's not true (he also has another son from previous relationship, sisters and both parents still alive), it's not far from the truth either.
i feel horrendous guilt for breaking up the family and my son is incredibly attached to his dad (he's an atypical man i guess in a sense that he's very affectionate), but I have been miserable - relationship wise - for years and as I approach 50, I just feel i need to do something, for everyone's sake. i don't want to show my son that this is what a happy fulfilling relationship looks like (it doesn't!) and i can't live a lie anymore, it's making me utterly miserable - but why is it so hard to just admit a relationship has run its course, why does it fell like such a massive failure and a betrayal for our son?!
our son will be absolutely heartbroken and this is all made much harder by the fact that i cannot know for sure how my partner will react in reality - it's possible (even likely), he will retreat and seclude even further (he rarely leaves the house even now), and his mental health will deteriorate (which is partially why it took me so long to gather the courage - i struggle with feeling responsible for his wellbeing, something i've been carrying for years and i'm sure hasn't helped with how i view my partner now, in romantic terms).
i may have made a mistake in telling my partner there's no rush to move out as i'm desperate to do this amicably, but it's been 8 weeks and he hasn't even viewed any properties yet - how do i handle this. i guess he doesn't want to move out as it's been my decision and it feels cruel to force him, but what else can i do? I've been clear that I want to live separately and at the minimum i need space (he hardly leaves the house) - although I have given him some hope that perhaps we could work on the relationship once separated - something I am kind of hoping for myself but unsure how realistic and wondering if i'm just fooling both of us.
he wanted to just 'tell our son' - i made him wait until we have a plan of what happens and when and how it will all work. but the plan can't be hatched until i know where he's moving as this will likely inform the setup in practical terms. i was kid of thinking we persevere until xmas and make no changes until then (we do get on well, on balance), but now i'm not so sure this is the best idea. he's told his family and i think he's taking the victim route and won't admit it takes two to tango - while it may be made who made the final decision, we just don't make each other happy any more. and we don't (can't) give each other what we want / need.
any words of wisdom very welcome - how did you go about it, what are the no-no's, your top tips - especially around how to communicate to kids or practicalities that work / don't work (and any words of encouragement). thank you!