Am I wrong for feeling like this?

[RVN90]

So me and my partner met 3 years ago, I was madly in love and infatuated by him and would do anything to be with him. He on the other hand was still grieving a past relationship and didn’t commit to me fully.

I gave him my all, for two years. And now he’s ready to step up I feel like I don’t care. He travels a lot as has a child in another country, and the weeks he’s gone I feel a kind of peace.

He’s funny and smart and I can see he clearly loves me now, however he has a streak to him that I don’t like and won’t stand for - passes little comments.

Anyway, I just want to know is it normal for me to feel this way? I feel like I gave so much for 2 years for nothing and now he’s trying I’m not interested…

Can the flame be reunited? I’m 32 with no kids and unsure if I should keep trying or should be on my own for a bit before pursuing something else. Head has gone. I feel like I’ve just waited for him to be ready and he never has been, he has also just accepted a job 3 hours away and I know I don’t want to move with him.

I also battle with myself that is it me that’s the problem 😓.

You're not wrong and o don't think you have a problem here.

What you do have is an issue with being a "chaser" that's what I have termed people like you OP. It's not an insult, just a term.

Often women chase men, they have an image int heir heads of what things will be like when they've caught the man, that image is never how it ends up though.
But they chase, they contact, the flirt, they message, the man barely responds ornis indifferent, which makes the chaser even more intent on 'winning' so on and so on.

Then the chaser wins, gets the prize... But instead of the Brand New Car, it turns out it's a JetSki and the chaser realises the prize wasn't worth the chase...
Which is where it sounds you are.
The chase is exciting, the trying, the hoping, the battle to win.. but reality is now setting in.

Often a chaser will have many partners in their history, similar stories. Met a person, the person wasn't bothered, but they fought real hard, the chaser won, they got together with the person. It fizzled and chaser moved on to the next person and repeated similar patterns.

I wonder, op, has there been men that have obviously been keen on you, but you've just dismissed them? Might be that because there was no chase, there was no fun, no excitement...

Or, I might be totally wrong and this is just a one off and you've grown bored of the guy very quickly.

however he has a streak to him that I don’t like and won’t stand for - passes little comments

I think we need to know more about this. If he's abusive, then it's him, not you.

When we met he was recently separated and juggling the heartache of a long relationship ending and not having his child. Initially thought he chased me, gifts, dinners etc and then all of a sudden pulled back. I continued to be infatuated by him (not the gifts or dinners) and wanted my life with him, but as mentioned I now feel he wasn’t over his previous relationship ending.

Now that I feel like he’s moved on from it (there was periods when he was ‘with’ me and was trying to get back with his ex) I’m just done because I feel he promised and sold me the world at the start and I never saw it when I needed it.

Previous to him I was in a long relationship of over 10 years, childhood sweethearts but we grew apart. He’s my only other relationship.

He’s not abusive, but makes snide little comments and jibes.

When he’s in his home country it’s like I don’t exist also, no one there knows of me, even his child. I just find it all a bit odd.

Have you had a name change fail OP? That doesn't sound good. And those little jibes tend to get worse IME. Being with you and trying to get back with his ex is being unfaithful, and that would be me out of there.

I also battle with myself that is it me that’s the problem

Nope. You need to reframe this.
It is not a "problem" that you are no longer excited about seeing your b/f & are contemplating breaking up with him.

What is a problem is -
he has a streak to him that I don’t like and won’t stand for - passes little comments

Is he an underminer, OP? Likes to be top dog?
When did these little comments start?
Was it around the time you were no longer madly in love and infatuated by him and would do anything to be with him?
Did he pick up on that, & decide to bring you back in line with a mixture of nasty comments & renewed display of ardour for you?

He professes he wants to start living together - now he's back in the UK ... is this for his convenience or financial advantage? Or because he can't live without you? He's blown hot & cold for a long time now OP. You are right to be very wary.

Is he expecting you to uproot from your present home & move 3 hours away - to suit him? Sod that!

It's fine to not move in with him.
It's also fine to split up with him if you want to.

@FissionMailed you are being ridiculous, labelling OP "a chaser" based on a snapshot of just one relationship.

Isn't it far more likely she's seeing reality at last, that he has messed her around with an on/off relationship, never fully committed to her, & has form for making nasty jibes?

Women don't need to be pathologised for breaking up with unsuitable men.

Is it him, is it you, it doesn't even matter. Your feelings have shifted and there's no going back. I wouldn't waste another day if I were you, especially if you want to have children.

Oh wow, you are me four years ago! Exactly the same story except for the ex, mine just wasn't fully in to it for no specific reason. He made little jibes, just overall letting me know he wasn't in love in that way and felt he was better than me.

We stayed together and like your partner he did improve, he wouldn't really make jibes anymore. It's my biggest regret that I stayed with him though. I wouldn't expect to be "in love" in that romantic way at this point but I have nothing to look back on, no happy memories where he did love me. He just says I have to get over it, as he wouldn't do it now. How can I get over letting myself be treated that way though?

Have to agree with the first commenter that you seem to be in a classic “chaser” situation. I’m not saying you should stay with this man, that wouldn’t be fair to either of you and at this point your not committed in any tangible way so it’s best if you split up.

Having said that you had a serious attraction to this man that fizzled out after he failed to live up to your ideal behaviour. In any long term relationship there will be periods were your partner isn’t doing what your consider ideal - however if you want a lasting relationship then it’s a problem if your affection and wanting to be with the person goes after a few years or whatever once you know longer see them through rose colored glasses.

Has anything like this happened before?

I was in your position a few years ago posting on her for advice, a few years younger but regardless you still have plenty of time for a new partner, children etc.. The main thing I learnt is that if you're even posting on here for advice it isn't right and you need to leave. The first 3-6 months will be hard but after that you will be so grateful and find a wonderful match.

Previous to him I was in a long relationship of over 10 years, childhood sweethearts but we grew apart. He’s my only other relationship.

Hardly "a chaser" then - @Megalameg @FissionMailed

Given that there were under 10 posts when you leapt in with your odd judgements, you might have bothered to read OP's actual words instead of inventing an unlikely narrative.

“We grew apart” can often really mean - I grew apart from him and wanted to split up.
So it could easily be a similar situation as what’s potentially going on here - which could be a loss of attraction after seeing a partner without newer loves glow and being unable to sustain attraction or affection for them.

I’m not saying for sure that’s what happened but it’s worth thinking about - because it’s impossible to have a fulfilling long term relationship if this (loss of attraction) is something that happens to you and you respond in that way.

@ChargingBuck

Previous to him I was in a long relationship of over 10 years, childhood sweethearts but we grew apart. He’s my only other relationship.

Hardly "a chaser" then - @Megalameg @FissionMailed

Given that there were under 10 posts when you leapt in with your odd judgements, you might have bothered to read OP's actual words instead of inventing an unlikely narrative.

You might have bothered to read my actual post instead of things I haven't written.

I gave a description of a chaser, not the OP.
Then asked OP to think about situations in the past.

I then ended with:

"Or, I might be totally wrong and this is just a one off and you've grown bored of the guy very quickly."

All a way to Get more information so as not too shape further responses based on a snapshot of just one relationship.

Op then replied with a name change fail and confirmed further information, which changes further responses based on that newer information.

I think most people would have understood what I had written as a descriptor, not an accusation, I apologise if it wasn't easy enough for you and if it confused anyone.

Oh, don't worry @FissionMailed, it was easy enough to spot what you were up to.

You are backtracking furiously but it won't wash because this is not a "descriptor" - it is an "accusation" - you point blank call OP a chaser FFS!
What you do have is an issue with being a "chaser" that's what I have termed people like you OP. It's not an insult, just a term.

What condescending bullshit.
It's also wrong, but never mind - it obviously wasn't "easy" enough for you to read 10 posts, or OP's own words.

@ChargingBuck

Oh, don't worry *@FissionMailed*, it was easy enough to spot what you were up to.

You are backtracking furiously but it won't wash because this is not a "descriptor" - it is an "accusation" - you point blank call OP a chaser FFS!
What you do have is an issue with being a "chaser" that's what I have termed people like you OP. It's not an insult, just a term.

What condescending bullshit.
It's also wrong, but never mind - it obviously wasn't "easy" enough for you to read 10 posts, or OP's own words.

You don't have English as your main language do you?

Er I think he’s the chaser if anyone is.

Sounds like he wasn’t over his ex though and messed you about for 2 years, you wanted a full relationship and you got his scraps and some jibes on the side… likely projection from him.

You have never met his family or child? He goes silent when in his own home country? He could be back with his ex or someone else there.

Now he’s ready, your feelings have fizzled understandably. You’re not a chaser. you’re feelings have died off whilst he’s messed you about.

Dump this user, I wish you all the best from today onwards, free of this nonsense of a man.

You're at a turning point in your life and what you decide now is so important. You're 32 and have everything going for you. He didn't commit to you for so long and all that time you were there for him. He makes little comments and you're at peace when he's not there. That tells you everything. You know he feels he can make those comments because he has the upper hand - he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay. I'd prove him wrong.