Guilted for splitting up family

[annebutnoththeanneyouknow]

So me and ex are still living together, i will be moving out soon. However he is making me feel guilty saying im splitting the family up. Which i am and i know i am.
My reason for this is i feel is valid, he belittles me when it came to sex. It was never enough or i didnt put enough effort in. He even told me a few times that if he knew he wasnt going to get it he would of stayed at work. It made me feel low and quite depressed. There are other things too that have happened that led me to loose my trust for him.
Now after 3 years of ups and downs im going to leave, I dont feel like being with him make me the best mum i can be. But he tells me im breaking his heart and splitting up the family.
He is contantly trying to touch me and make sexual remarks because obviously we arent having sex. Then when i tell him to stop he tells me its because he is so in love with me.
I just want peoples perspectives. I feel so much relief that we dont have to have sex and i dont miss any of the intimacy. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 7 months

@MrsTerryPratchett i wish i had understood this sooner. Its always felt that because im in a relationship that certain things are "expected" of me

This is abuse. Leave. Your kids will adapt

If you do have hang-ups about sex then best get those resolved rather than expecting them to disappear in subsequent relationships.

Conversely, if you are a sex pest who makes disparaging remarks to his partner which put her off wanting to have sex with you, best to get that resolved before inflicting yourself on any subsequent relationships, @Avarua

[quote annebutnoththeanneyouknow]@Shouldbedoing i feel like he might be. But i dont think he is intentionally doing it, most of it i think is a poor choice of words[/quote]
Bejaysus, this charmer has done a number on you OP.

What is unintentional about continuing to grope you, feeling entitled to sex simply because you are still unfortunately sharing a roof, & crassly remarking that he "wants one last shot of me!"?

That's not a poor choice of words.
It deliberate harrassment.

Put a stop to it. Tell him that he is not to touch you - at all. Not sexually, not playfully, not - anything, He is no longer your partner. He does not get to touch you.

Don;t listen to any bullshit he gives you for saying this.
Just calmly say "if you grope or even touch me again I will call the police."

And mean it. He is intentionally grabbing at you without your consent, & sexually harrassing you. That is against the law. He could be hit with a restraining order, if you keep a diary of all the times & dates he is groping at you.

Hang on in there. Oh! - & YOU are not splitting up the family. You are protecting yourself & your DC from being assaulted/witnessing a sex pest in action.

[quote annebutnoththeanneyouknow]@MrsTerryPratchett i wish i had understood this sooner. Its always felt that because im in a relationship that certain things are "expected" of me[/quote]
My dear, that is coercive control.

He is not entitled to your body.
He wasn't entitled to it when you were in a relationship, & he's not entitled to it now.

What do your male friends & relatives think of him btw?

& how long is it until you can move out?

You are splitting up the family and it will affect your kids, but your husband does sound like a bit of a dick. I know a lot of posters will say otherwise and tell you that your kids happiness depends all upon seeing Mum do whatever she wants and her being 100% fulfilled, but this is wishful thinking, divorce often affects kids negatively.

I don’t think as some have said that your being abused, this is silly, your husband was allowed to ask for sex when you were together and you were allowed to refuse - but he should knock it off now.

Tbh, it sounds like your marriage is unsaveable. I’m not saying your husband is in the right as he’s not, but it also sounds like you have some emotional issues around sex which could cause problems in any relationship and maybe you should get some help there.

your husband was allowed to ask for sex when you were together and you were allowed to refuse

Er ... except she often wasn't "allowed to refuse" @Megalameg
Have you not even bothered to read her update posts, before leaping in to victim-blame & tell her that coerced sex "isn't abuse" & "this is silly"?

but it also sounds like you have some emotional issues around sex which could cause problems in any relationship and maybe you should get some help there.

If OP has "emotional issues around sex" they were caused by her partner's forcing her to have sex she did not want.

I don’t see any indication of “coerced sex” - stating that “things were expected of me” Isn’t coercion of blackmail, she was free to refuse. In most partnerships or marriages especially early on at least some mutual level of sexual satisfaction is expected. Now what’s mutual can differ and be complicated but it’s fair to have some expectations.

I’m sure I “expect things” of my husband as well, that doesn’t mean I’m forcing or coercing him into anything or vice versa and saying so is insulting to most marriages and partnerships.

So no one should be forced into anything - but ultimately there is nothing wrong with expectations. If those expectations aren’t acceptable then they either need to change or the relationship needs to end - as is happening here. But that doesn’t make having expectations wrong or criminal, that’s silly. He asked, she refused and is now walking away - and that’s fine but without knowing them it’s impossible to say wether he is unreasonable or she has too many hang ups.

What I will say is she should tell him to F off now when he tries anything.

Do you really think it's OK for her husband to continually touch her sexually and tell her he ''wants one last go of her'' @Megalameg ??

That's an OK 'expectation' in your eyes, is it ?

The OP has said that it's because of his continual insults and disparaging 'remarks' concerning sex and her feeling of 'obligation' to have sex, whether or not she wanted to, which were the cause of the end of her marriage.

But, in your eyes, that's OK ? Because he's simply voicing his 'expectation' ?? Seriously ?

In everyone else's eyes, that is sexual coersion and abuse......

Maybe you haven't read all of OP's posts ?

As I already wrote now that they’ve broken up he’s wrong to do that (as I already wrote on my comment).

But an expectation of sex during marriage is not abuse in most reasonable peoples eyes at all, far from it - and if sexual desires are mismatched that’s unfortunate- but again, asking for sex within a marriage is not coercion or abuse.
Maybe on these boards but in reality? No.

If your husband asks for sex five times and you don’t want to then say no five times. If that annoys you enough and you don’t want to have sex with him leave. If he can’t handle not having sexual then he can do the same.

So I wouldn’t say one spouse asking the other for sex is abuse, that’s silly. But still everything is “abuse” on these types of boards in some peoples eyes. That or a “red flag”. I find it all rather hysterical and neurotic to tell the truth and totally unpractical advice for real world situations.

Ignore Meg. He's talking rubbish.

Your partner is splitting up the family by being a creep and harassing you.

This man views you as an object. The constant unwanted touching and badgering for sex just proves it. If he wants an object, tell him to buy a blow-up doll.

I can guarantee that within weeks of you leaving, he'll have got himself someone new. Men like that need something to stick it in constantly.

You're doing the right thing by leaving by the sounds of it.

[quote annebutnoththeanneyouknow]@Shouldbedoing i feel like he might be. But i dont think he is intentionally doing it, most of it i think is a poor choice of words[/quote]
No, he’s behaving like a sex pest - tell him no means no and if he continues to coerce you into having sex it will be against your will, therefore classed as rape.
He has no right to pressure you into having sex, he’s a rapist in the making.

You are splitting up the family and it will affect your kids, but your husband does sound like a bit of a dick. I know a lot of posters will say otherwise and tell you that your kids happiness depends all upon seeing Mum do whatever she wants and her being 100% fulfilled, but this is wishful thinking, divorce often affects kids negatively.
I don’t think anyone here would say kids aren’t affected by divorce, or that mums should do whatever she wants.

I do see people saying children can come through divorce if both parents can keep the children at the centre and not use them as weapons, or bargaining chips. I also see people saying children need a model of decent, equal, connected relationships - not mum merely “doing what she wants”.

Divorce is shit, no one does it for giggles, and no one - man or woman - should be compelled to stay in a bad relationship because of the kids.

morning. Im sorry its came to a bit of a debate about coercion. Most of the time when asked and if i didnt want it i would say no, but he would get huffy. Which is understandable as he has needs. When i say huffy he would ignore me and give me the silent treatment. Not going to lie, him acting like this certainly didnt make me want to do it. But i would consent to stop this behavior

Which is the very definition of coercion.

Sure, I’m not saying it will definitely ruin the kids or anything. But the reality is plenty of people do it for selfish reasons or because they lost the feelings, then justify it by saying the kids need to see them totally happy and being fully loved etc. - when really it’s just about their feelings changing and them acting on it and nothing their partner has done. Take a look at Adele.

Im not saying people should stay, but it will have an great effect on them as children and adults (I didn’t say terrible neccassarily but a big effect) and it’s wishful thinking to gloss over it.

Nobody's 'needs' justify treating someone you claim to love with silent treatment.. It is an acknowledged form of abuse..
Nobody actually needs a shag. His balls /dick won't drop off if they aren't used.

My ex tried to pull this shit when we were living in the same house.

Before we split up he would come on to me, and if I didn’t do exactly as he wanted he would say that he’d be better off sorting himself out if I wasn’t prepared to do certain things.

He talked about what a good shag his ex was, even in front of friends.

Then after we’d split he pretended to be someone trying to break in one night after he’d been out, then told me I’d obviously imagined it, and then suggested maybe I’d like to come to bed for a quicky, even though we were in separate rooms by then. I told him to piss off and asked why on earth he would think I would want to have sex with him after he’d essentially just dismissed my thought that someone had tried to break in while he was out.

I don't think you need to worry about it becoming a debate op. @Megalameg has one opinion and the rest of us have another.

Being pestered for anything is pressuring and disrespectful. You are doing the right thing ending the relationship. It is awful for your kids to be around a man who constantly wants sex. Very damaging, far more so than splitting up.

Aw sorry to hear. he sounds like a dick!! I understand. His words are harmful and unreasonable, people change and relationships break up, at some point i hope he develops the respect to realise ending the relationship will make you happier and ultimately.. thats the most important

Are you breaking up? If so, tell him this really clearly and tell him you won’t be having sex/tolerating his shitty sex pest behaviour because you are no longer together. Ugh, this would drive me crazy.