to think I should be trying to exit

[nocnoc]

I’ve been married for twenty years and it’s been tricky since our kids came along. Tiredness and no family support and a non sleeping baby led to verbal abuse outbursts from my husband. Things like “shut that fucking baby up”. I rationalised that it happens to most people and clung in there and put up with it but it’s led to isolation, loneliness and big self esteem issues on my side. We’ve had joint counselling which was just another opportunity for him to rant angrily. I don’t know what else to do. If I say and do nothing and have no opinion on any of his behaviour then we are fine but I want more. I want a fulfilling, happy partnership with somebody who thinks a lot of me. Am I expecting the world. I fundamentally think I must be flawed as I can’t seem to get my needs met. Over the last couple of years any arguments have led to name calling (rather than problem solving) I’m a bitch, a liar, bullshitter, an arsehole, psycho, crazy, narc, gaslighter…I truly am awful eh? It’s interesting how I don’t resort to this but try and focus on the facts of the disagreement and how to resolve it. I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t want to only see my kids half of their lives but what kind of future can I have with a guy who says this stuff? Does anyone have any positive stories of overcoming stuff like this? I feel shut down and as though I can’t express myself now in my marriage

Honestly? I think you need to leave. Can you imagine having a friend that spoke to you that way? You wouldn’t see them any more.

It might be worth moving this to Relationships.

Your h is abusive and has no desire to change. You don’t need to put up with this, you deserve more. I agree you should leave.

There is no overcoming this. You shouldn’t waste further precious years in a one sided battle to save the marriage. Start making plans to leave.

Good Lord. Your situation sounds awful. Get out before it becomes “normal” x

This is no way to live OP

The father shouting "shut that fucking baby up" is absolutely not normal at all and it's really sad you would think it is

Hopefully your dc are old enough to also tell him to get stuffed..

How do I get this moved to relationships please?

I’m a bitch, a liar, bullshitter, an arsehole, psycho, crazy, narc, gaslighter…I truly am awful eh?

Yeah, you sound a right bastard OP!
Or could it be ... www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/projection

I've been married for nigh on 20 years and none of this other than babies being stressful, is normal. You do need to think about getting out.
I'll report this and request it's moved to Relationships.

We’ve had joint counselling which was just another opportunity for him to rant angrily.

Well done - you did better than many actual Counsellors, spotting that.

Please never engage in any joint therapy with him again. Professionals recommend that when abuse is present from one party, couples counselling must be avoided.
You already know why! - but a disturbing amount of people don't get it.

Your DH is an abusive twat. I'm already convinced he's guilty of being all the things he called you - was pretty sure of it by line 3 of your post FFS -
“shut that fucking baby up”

Nope.
Unacceptable. Disgraceful. Frightening for the baby & DC.
I hope you are already feeling too much contempt for him to be actually frightened of him yourself OP.

So ... because anyone with a strand or moral fibre will agree that DH is a dick - may I ask about the practicals?
Rental or mortgage? Both your names on tenancy/deeds?
Work - are you on maternity, when do you plan to return to work? What does he do, how demanding is his job?
Residency with children - is he likely to demand 50/50? Will this just be a controlling gesture, or is he actually capable of parenting them? Will his working pattern allow for that?
Finances - how hard will it be to fund another home for one of you, or to sell up, (if houseowners) realise equity (if any) & have each of you start again?
Will you be able to afford to do that in you current area, i.e. keep the kids at their current schools?

Spend some time mulling this lot over OP.
You might find it seriously increases your ability to cope with the emotional difficulties of living with an Angry & Controlling Man (TM)
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You don't need to tolerate his abuse for much longer OP. You sound level headed, practical & tough-minded. Very happy to virtually hand-hold while you go through the process of assessing how you get the best out of a break-up - because this man is not "fixable".

That "shut that fucking baby up" is Bill Sykes levels of nasty.
Of course, it would never occur to him to pick up, soothe, & love his own baby, would it?

Apologies OP - but if it walks like a cunt, & acts like a cunt - it's a cunt.

He won't want the children 50% of the time.

He sounds like he hates and totally disrespects you. Time to mov3, op.