Is this my friend being a dick or me?

[TerrysBlueIrange]

I broke up with someone in October. One friend I spoke to for a couple of hours every other night for the week that followed the break up. During the call we did talk about the relationship but also about someone new she was seeing. The conversations werent wholly about me. I picked myself up by week two and we went back to usual contact.

I had to cancel a trip she had planned to come and see me, due to work. On the back of this she said she needed space and to focus on her other friends for a bit. I asked what she meant and said that sounded quite unkind. She said I had had a huge impact on her mental health when speaking to her in the week after my break up. This totally threw me as I even remember saying to her that I would go off the phone now as I’d been on for an hour and she was adamant she wanted to chat more and we also spent ages talking about this new man she had met. For context, she wasn’t working and had a lot of spare time, no kids etc so I had every reason to believe she was happy to chat when she said she was. Lots of laughing etc.

I’m usually a pushover with things like this (not just with her but with anyone). I don’t like animosity and I do stand my ground but I also like to ultimately smooth things over. This time though I just saw red and said you should have said at the time and now I don’t feel I can trust you to talk in future as you’ve just thrown this back in my face weeks later, out of the blue. She’s now said because I’ve said that she wants more space and so I’ve just said ok. And I don’t intend on contacting her.

Am I in the wrong do you think? I don’t usually hold my own like this and I’m a bit worried it might actually be me being unfair.

If she's a good friend to you and historically you've both been there for each other then I would give her the benefit of the doubt and think she's possibly reached the stage of being an empty vessel and needing to be around people who will top her up more. Perhaps she was working herself up to say something and blurted it out less kindly than intended and your defensive response has made her defensive too.

She just needs space, give her that rather than being angry.

Yabu. The red flags for me in your behaviour are:

• 2 hrs phone calls every other night is hugely intense and high maintenance. She was just trying to support you.

• You “saw red.” Grown ups don’t ‘see red’ in this kind of situation. They politely back off.

• She asked for space and your immediate reaction was to accuse her of being unkind and untrustworthy. Why couldn’t you have just said something low maintenance like “Sure no problem, give me a shout when you’re free xx”?

Honestly you sound intense, aggressive, and very hard work, and I think you need to calm down and focus on other people for a bit as it sounds like you are driving away those closest to you.

It sounds like she was good while you needed to vent, and as soon as you were okay again you stopped the phone calls and then cancelled her visit. She probably felt a bit used.

I think the cancelled visit definitely made her feel used, I did go to lengths to explain this to her though.

Food for thought, thanks for the posts, maybe it’s me who needs to apologise!

Neither of you is a dick. She obviously did feel some sort of impact from helping you through your break up, and is obviously upset that you cancelled a trip she was looking forward to (however justifiable your reasons). She may have been feeling like this for a while, and it just burst out. It can be really hard to tell a friend who is in the throes of grief at a break up, they're getting you down. And it's only later you realise how much it drained you.

However, you haven't been a dick either. She gave you no indication she was overwhelmed and obviously hasn't had this conversation in the kindest way. So you weren't to know. Sometimes friendships do need space and time so they can reset back to a healthier place. If it's a good friendship, you'll both bounce back soon enough.

Don't be resentful or angry at her though. If she wants to be around happier/more uplifting people for the moment, that's her prerogative. And you shouldn't feel like you have to apologise or salvage the friendship alone. You can always offer to have a chat to better understand how she is feeling/what brought this on, once a bit of time has passed and you're both calmer.

And also for the future, I would try not to rely on just one friend for all your emotional support (not sure if that was the case for you). That way you spread the load and no one person gets overwhelmed.

She said her mental health is suffering, however your post is all about you.

@todaysdilemma thanks. It was only three phone calls over the week - they went on largely because she wanted to talk about someone she’d met. There was absolutely no inclining that she was not wanting to speak. It came very out of the blue to me for her to say that and I don’t make a regular occurrence out of that sort of thing.

As someone said above though, maybe I’ve been too aggressive and hard work. I do need to think about that side of it.

I'm sorry your friendship is struggling OP. I think you're so fortunate to have someone in your life like that who will listen to and also is comfortable to tell you when they need a bit of space.

Your responses have been kind and reflective and I think your friend is also really fortunate to have you. I hope you have many years of good friendship in the future once you both recover from this hard period.

@Skysblue

Yabu. The red flags for me in your behaviour are:

• 2 hrs phone calls every other night is hugely intense and high maintenance. She was just trying to support you.

• You “saw red.” Grown ups don’t ‘see red’ in this kind of situation. They politely back off.

• She asked for space and your immediate reaction was to accuse her of being unkind and untrustworthy. Why couldn’t you have just said something low maintenance like “Sure no problem, give me a shout when you’re free xx”?

Honestly you sound intense, aggressive, and very hard work, and I think you need to calm down and focus on other people for a bit as it sounds like you are driving away those closest to you.

I second this.