Serial cheat

[notanicegirl2]

I am a serial cheat and I hate myself. I am a 45 year old women and have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have also been cheated on. For the last 6 years I have been single but have been the ow a few times during that time. I don't want them to leave their partners & I would be literally devastated to hurt anyone but I can't stop. I have since met a lovely man & was behaving & now found out he may have been cheating on me he denies it, I can't even cry because karma is a bitch and I have no right to cry so rather than heal I run back to one of the past cheaters for attention. I have never been caught cheating but I have been caught as the ow twice, both stayed with their gf & are still with them. So in my head I think I haven't hurt anyone because nobody has ever broken up, but I hurt me over & over. In every other aspect of my life I am the nicest person you could meet. I help the homeless am their for everyone but I am deeply damaged and don't know how to stop at 45 years old it's embarrassing & shameful and I am scared of what karma is coming next.

What do you get out of cheating?

I do believe in karma. Last year I found out my (now) ex had been cheating and the dates he's admitted to shortly precede a time when he had a really bad accident (I had to care for him 24/7 for months). Not trying to worry you, just my opinion that we do tend to reap what we sow.

So in my head I think I haven't hurt anyone because nobody has ever broken up

I strongly disagree with this.

Have you been to a counsellor and tried to get some help?

I don't think karma is real, but it does sound like you have really low self esteem and probably some other issues if you're going through this kind of cycle of behaviour. I'd really encourage you to find a therapist you can trust and build a rapport with to sort through these things. You are hurting others as well as yourself, but you can be better and live a life that actually fulfills you, it's just going to take working on yourself really hard.

OP - you are 45. At this age you are who you are. No point bearing yourself up.
Have you considered that maybe you are just not built for physical monogamy?
I know it’s the accepted norm in the society, but not every own is built that way.
But more importantly - there are other people like you.
The ‘nice man’ you met - why not have a conversation with him about relationships and expectations. It is possible that you might find a way to be together and happy if you remove some of the societal norms that aren’t working for you.

I had a relationship with a serial cheater, she was 45/6 I naively thought that at that age she would want something tangible and lasting, how wrong was I. Again as someone said what do get out of it and maybe its time to realise conventional relationships are not for you. The hurt you cause others is immeasurable.... surely they comes a time when it has to stop.

Firstly, the damage done to a betrayed is something that takes years of healing, whether or not you stay with a cheat. I struggled with anxiety, ptsd, hypervigilance, mindmovies the works. I still have panic attacks. I had never struggled with my mental health before. I’m not telling you this to hurt you just to say don’t ever underestimate the damage done. Read ‘cheating in a nutshell’ to put the damage into some sort of perspective for you, if you dare.

I believe cheating comes from a hole inside ourselves. Particularly serial cheating. You’re missing something and using other people to fill that hole. Which is why you continuously need to do it. I can’t tell you what that is but I really think you should get yourself to a decent counsellor. I imagine you’re driven by a need for ego kibbles and validation, but you will need to fill that yourself. You will struggle to find happiness while your driven like this so please take some time for you, leave these creeps who will cheat with you alone and do some serious work on yourself.

Good luck.

I have stayed single for the past 6 years as I know I can't trust myself. It's all good for a couple of months then the newness wears off and it starts again. I am at my brothers today for dinner. I am so envious of his family life with his wife & kids, I would love to be happy with someone and for one person to be enough for me but it never is.

There are other people like you. There are various shades - from polyamory to ethical non-monogamy - if you want to explore those.
Some are poly on everything including emotions. Others keep emotions to main partner while allowing multiple physical connections.

Why not find likeminded people instead of trying to force yourself into a mould that doesn’t work for you?

I echo the above. Stop beating yourself up. This is who you are and what works for you. The unhappiness stems from denying that and forcing yourself to behave as society expects. Cheating on people and hurting them is nasty. Dont do that. Just accept you are not built for monogamy and find a partner who feels the same. There are plenty of them.