Affair

[Pinkandpink]

Hi. I have been with my fiancé for 20 years. We have two kids 9 and 11. He has a son 21 from a previous relationship. About two years ago I had a loan of his phone to make a call, I noticed a missed call from another women. It was just before we were going on holiday. I was totally devastated but tried to enjoy the holiday for the children’s sake. We don’t really have sex due to me having a lot of issues down below plus Iv put on a lot of weight, suffer from depression. He said his words, were am I supposed to go? Meaning going elsewhere for sex. Well I never spoke about this other women again and just got on with life. Lockdown, home schooling. We get on ok, don’t usually fight. I tried to bloke this other women out and get on with life, I didn’t want the family split up. Now yesterday he left his phone in the kitchen while going out. There was a message from the same women. I couldn’t read all of it as I don’t know his code for his phone. It says, hey you! Sorry I missed you last night, I was decorating olives room. Not real name. I’m trying to act normal but I’m heartbroken again. He goes to the gym a few times a week, so I’m thinking he meets her there, as he dosent go anywhere else. I don’t know what to say to him. I’m only on a crap minimum wage job, he’s the breadwinner. Mortgage, car and everything is in his name. I feel stuck. We live in a nice quiet area. I don’t know what to do. The whole family would be devastated.

Sorry but I have to ask, why are you not married after 20 years together? How long have you been engaged?

Are you seeking help for your gynae issues, depression and weight ?

We have been engaged about 6 years. Marriage wasn’t really up there for us. We bought the house, had the kids. Really down to money. I have actually taken my engagement ring off yesterday when I saw the message.

Yes I have started Prozac in the past few months, noticed a difference to start with but it’s worn off. I’m waiting on a referral to the hospital and I think I need a hysterectomy. I’m trying to loose weight, but it’s been difficult with depression as I comfort eat. I haven’t eaten since I saw that message yesterday. I’m 49, he’s 48.

So what do YOU want to do ideally ?

He's getting exercise , just not at the gym.

Are you having a medication review for the Prozac ?

Yes you haven't said what you actually want. If you want to stay in the relationship I doubt the dynamic will change. He will continue to cheat.

What do you realistically want to do? It’s never an easy one to bring up, but the reality is that if a relationship is sexless there is going to come a point where the partner needing/seeking sex is going to become frustrated, even if they are understanding.

I am currently in a sexless relationship due to a medical condition and the medication I take for it. I have 0 libido and there is no realistic answer.

My partner is incredibly understanding of the fact, but I am only too aware that that he becomes frustrated with the fact. I will do things for him but I can’t bear to be touched in any way shape or form and that leaves him feeling almost as if he is violating me when I do things for him and I don’t want the same in return. It feels one-sided for him, and I totally understand that but I am powerless to change it.

As I said, he is completely understanding and has never pressured me in anyway because it is what it is.

But I would be naive if I didn’t think that there may come a point if, given the opportunity, he could end up being drawn into something physical with someone else.

I’m not open to the idea of an open relationship, but equally if he moved on I wouldn’t be angry at him, he has just as much right to a physical relationship as I have to not have one.

If the lack of sex is frustrating him to the point where it seems he’s been having an affair for the past 2 years then it’s something you need to discuss on a serious level.

He’s not wrong to want sex in a relationship, but equally you’re not wrong to not want it. But there has to come a point where one of you needs to compromise, and you need to talk between you about where that compromise lies.

I have name changed for this post as I am a regular…

You need to decide if you want to stay with him whilst he has another relationship. He clearly feels unable to stay in a sexless relationship, though he must want to stay with you as he has not left. This appears to be his solution to stay with you. After you found out before, he may feel he got your tacit consent to carry on seeing this woman. However, you need to decide if this is a solution that works for you.
And you both need to have a serious and honest discussion about how to move forward, whether your marriage remains in tact, what that will look like. You both seem to have been avoiding this conversation, which is understandable - it is hard and painful for both of you - but now is the time to have it.

(Btw, if he continues to see this woman, you cannot put parameters around the emotional bond that they may develop)

AutumnWreath
Haha in more ways than one lol 😂

I am sorry you are hurting.
But with respect - this is not a new discovery. It was two years ago, and you made peace with it. You put it out of your head as you said.

You have an OK relationship on every other dimension. Family, home, holidays. But as a couple you don’t have a physical relationship. You don’t have physical needs. He does, and fulfils them outside of marriage. Which you already knew.

I understand that it’s easier to ignore the reality and hide from it. And I am sorry you are faced with it again. But this is your life as it really is. Your family is no different today than it was yesterday.

Regardless of what you chose to do - I do hope you deal with your depression first. Long term depression is hard to live with. And if you do chose to separate, given your financial situation and small kids - I worry if you will manage. And I feel really sorry for the kids - as it’ll be extra hard on them.

I agree with all you comments and thanks for your advice. I think I need to deal with myself first before anything. Start exercising, focussing on myself and mental health. The kids don’t see anything, they are oblivious to anything, things are just normal at home. I wouldn’t be here if they were affected by any negative. Eh fighting or hostility

It’s quite daunting if I we separated, I used to be so independent years ago. Had my own house. My confidence has disappeared. I have money tied into this house, so I do have some money. Not a lot but, prob about 20 grand.

Can you legally prove your percentage of the house ?

No I cant. I would like to think if he sold it I would get half.

Stupid and silly I know.

OP - if you put in the money for the deposit on the house - there must be a record if it somewhere.
However, not being married, you aren’t entitled to a half. And he is unlikely to just give to you. People think of themselves when relationships breakdown.

Can I ask though…. As sex stopped - what did you think he felt? Did you assume he stopped wanting it because you did?
And did you really think he gave up sex two years ago?

Yes there is a record of it. I would like to think he would give me half or a good bit of the house if it sold. Especially for the kids sake. I just blocked this other women from my mind the past few years. Our relationship is fine apart from sex. My sex drive is zilch. I feel so low today. Time to get myself sorted and think about myself

He’s acting like he’s not a care in the world. He prob knows I saw the message as, i said to him when he went out earlier with my dad. Don’t forget your phone, like you did yesterday. Plus Iv been pissed off since yes afternoon and it shows.

Do you want to save the relationship or do you want out ?

OP - you are still avoiding the question.
Did you really think your H stopped wanting sex?

And I guess a related question here would be - given that you get everything YOU need in life from this marriage (companionship, kids, house, financial security) - while YOUR H doesn’t, why do you care that he outsources one of his needs that is unmet within the relationship? And do you think it’s fair of you to demand he stop needing sex?

There is absolutely no reason for him to give you half of the house. Expecting or hoping for that is naive.
From his point of view - he already did a lot for the family sake - he stayed in a sexless relationship with a depressed partner for the sake of the kids. This is already a lot for anyone - it could not have been easy as is.
You demanding he gives you more than he has to - won’t work.
And if you aren’t able to afford housing - at least in the short term - the kids may end up staying in his house.
This isn’t fair, but it’s how the law works.